Tuesday, May 2, 2023

Very Sad: A 2023 Boston Bruins Playlist

Alright so the Bruins may or may not have broken a lot of hearts this past Sunday night. What was a historic regular season turned into an utter embarrassment as they lost in 7 games to the shitty Florida Panthers. I won't dwell on the series long outside of keeping in mind that it was the Florida god damn Panthers. Leading up to the end of the season, Bruins coach Jim Montgomery chose to make Bryan Adams hit "Summer of 69" the official team song, as it was the "best days of our lives". That choice of song was the first time I thought to myself, "hmm...maybe this won't end well". That song kinda sucks. It's just...Bryan Adams. I don't think anyone on the planet considers that their favorite song, no matter the situation. The purpose of this blog is to give all of you still reeling from the epic playoff disaster a playlist that will make you feel bet....well it'll make you feel something.

I want to address the angst, needs and frustration all Bruins fans are feeling. Therefore, it may be eclectic but I think I compiled a nice 20 song playlist that you can all come to appreciate. And if you don't appreciate it? Well, Bucko, I believe that I have the best taste of music ever, so, there!

Without any further ado: The 2023 Boston Bruins Playoff Disaster Playlist

'Family Reunion' - Blink 182: If you are familiar with this song, you know why it is here. If you are not familiar with this song, I'd recommend googling the lyrics or make sure you listen to it with headphones on because the words may shock anyone nearby who may overhear. I reckon many of us were singing...well, saying, these lyrics in some way, shape, or form when the Panthers tied up the game with a minute left.


'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now' - The Smiths: Food doesn't have any taste. Things are numb. Joy is lost. Everything stinks.

'Until the Day I Die' - Story of the Year: This is a throwback song to get the anger out. I like to think I spill my heart for the Bruins, and whatever is spilling out of said heart is definitely black and gold. The screaming in this song is a good way to get the frustration out. 10 out of 10 don't recommend trying this at Karaoke. Your vocal chords are precious, people! Take care of them!

MTV2 flashbacks for anyone else?

'Boys Don't Cry' - The Cure: Right? RIGHT!?

'Thank U' - Dido: I would like to thank the Bruins for giving us the most fun regular season I have ever seen in my entire life! Every single game seemed like they had a chance to win, no matter the odds. That cannot be cast aside. It was a fun run. Oh god dammit who am I kidding this sucks the regular season is meaningless and NONE OF THIS MATTERS WITHOUT A STANLEY CUP GAHHHHHH WHY GOD WHY.

'Constant Headache' - Joyce Manor: This one goes out to Matthew Tkachuk. I hate him but I sure wouldn't mind if he was a Bruin. What a pain in the ass. 

Zack Kassian doing the Lord's work here.

'Rock Lobster' - The B-52's: Okay so I know this one seems random but hear me out. There is no wrong time to listen to Rock Lobster. It is a weird, catchy-as-hell song, and it provides the listener a great distraction from things when they make all the supposed noises of sea creatures like narwals, sea robins and even jellyfish. It really is an amazing song when you come to think of it. Kind of haunting? Anyways, it's a distraction to quit thinking of Sam Bennett being such an annoying prick all series long.  

'Hard to Explain' - The Strokes: A song fitting for when a team who won 65 out of 82 games in the regular season gets bounced in the first round of playoffs to the little brother team of Florida, who has something called a Radko Gudas playing defense for them. Nothing makes sense. 


'Let's Get Fucked Up and Die' - Motion City Soundtrack: I'm (not) speaking figuratively, of course. I imagine this was the general feeling of the crowd leaving the Boston Garden in the pouring rain on their way to Sullivan's Tap. In times like this, as the Irish like to, you just have to look towards the bottom of a glass in silence to try and figure out what the hell just happened. Please note: there is never a good answer. 

'Break Stuff' - Limp Bizkit: I'm not telling you to always follow the advice of Fred Durst and Co. but this song at the very least sums up what a lot of us wanted to do (they were up 3 games to 1 and blew it!!!!!!!! God I hate sports so damn much).


'The World Has Turned and Left Me Here' - Weezer: A song of loneliness to pair with the abysmal feeling of being left out...of round 2 of the damn playoffs. 

'That's Life' - Frank Sinatra: I mean, yeah disappointment is a part of life. I'm more interested in the end of the song where Ol' Blue Eyes says he wants to roll up into a big ball and diiiiiiiiiiiie. 

'Cruel Summer' - Bananarama: I think back to 2011 and how awesome of a summer that was. To be fair, turning 21 that July helped things, but having that Stanley Cup winning run happening all summer long was amazing. This summer? A whole lot of what if's and god-dammits while thinking of what could have been. Cruel indeed.

2011 was awesome. So many Miller Lites in Vortex bottles

'Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?' - Culture Club: I know they didn't want to hurt us, but the hurt happened. 

'I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself' - The White Stripes: What the shit am I supposed to do from now until mid June? Watch some other trash hockey team go out and win the Stanley Cup? Time to take up some new hobbies. Crochet sounds nice. Maybe there's a bobsled track nearby? Need to pass the time.

'I'm So Tired' - Fugazi: A nice simple song from hardcore legends Fugazi. "I'm so tired, sheep are counting me". Yep. I'm so damn tired of being disappointed year in and year out. 

'It Will All End in Tears' - The Drums: Sad. Self explanatory. Would've been a lot cooler if it ended in tears of happiness. 

'What It Is To Burn' - Finch: For the emo's out there. It's really just about that guttural scream after the big breakdown. It's rather fitting to get out the angst and emotions after all those turnovers the Bruins gave up. 

'My Hero' - Foo Fighters: This one goes out to Patrice Bergeron. The man is a saint. There should be a statue of him already in the planning stages. If this was indeed it for the Captain, it was a hell of a run. He is a hockey coach's dream example of a perfect player on and off the ice. 

'Somebody Kill Me Please' - Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer: 'Oh somebody kill me please, somebody kill me please, I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please, kill me'. Drastic? Absolutely! Does it hit home after the events of Sunday evening? Also, absolutely. 

This one hurts. It's going to take some time to get over this one. 

Nothing makes sense.

Up is down. Left is right. 

Misery. It's all the rage right now.

Monday, March 20, 2023

Not Very Cool(ey) Of You!

Well cut off my legs and call me Shorty! Today was not the greatest day for fans of the recently underwhelming Providence College Friars. The Friar Faithful all took a shot to the nether regions when our worst nightmare of coach Ed Cooley leaving became true. Not only that, but leaving to take the helm of fellow Big East member/rival Georgetown. Basically, Ed Cooley is Tom Sandoval, Friar fans are Ariana, and Georgetown is Raquel. I guess this makes me James Kennedy because here I am about to rant and rave like a lunatic but hey whatever works. 

What the shit gives, Ed?


I’m going to get all the praise out of the way to get it out of my system. Coach Cooley was good for PC. When he took over for that dolt Keno Davis, it was a sort of dark ages for PC Hoops. Cooley came in and turned it around relatively quick. It’s hard to complain when they won a Big East tournament title, a Big East regular season title, multiple trips to March Madness, making the transfer portal his bitch, and overall building PC into a team that was no longer a joke. For that, I thank you! It was a hell of a run. It was nice to no longer be a laughingstock, basement dweller charter member of the Big East. As I write this, I’m kind of feeling slightly bad about ripping a guy who did all this…but then I quickly remember how the last month of the season went, and all the questionable at best nonsense that has come out in the last few days. 

I don’t really feel too bad anymore.

As it turns out, Cooley put his house in East Greenwich up for sale 3ish weeks ago, which coincides perfectly with the slump that began for the Friars. The team definitely found out and gave up all hope, and who can blame them? Why bust your ass and play hard for a guy who already made up his mind to sell out and go to a rival school before the season is even over? For someone who always prided himself on professionalism, stepping up and doing the right thing, this is how you are going to leave PC? Take care of business, except when that new job offer is waiting for you. You owed it to this fan base and the kids you recruited to at least give it your all for the rest of this year. This was not a lost season up until 3 weeks ago. This team could have made a run in March Madness but it all went to hell, and it’s a shame. As for the future, it’s also a damn shame that you’re ripping apart this program that you built up. Kids are de-committing already, and apparently some kid from TCU agreed to transfer to Georgetown amazingly quick after the news broke. I know there was a follow up report that it’s not true and the kid hasn’t actually decided, but we all know you brokered that shit to get him to Georgetown while you were still under contract at PC, and that’s shady as hell. That interview you did was bizarre and no one believes a word that you say. “This was my dream job”. “It’s not about the money.” Yeah okay. Do you think we are stupid? Not one fan thinks that Georgetown asked you what you wanted and you did you best Dr. Evil impression and said ‘I want Six MILLIONNN DOLLARS!’ And Georgetown was just like oh okay yeah sure. 



We all know you looked up to Georgetown (…and PC) legend John Thompson. I know you’ve mentioned how big of an influence he was and how you wanted to lead a program like him. That’s all well and good Buddy but why couldn’t you have done it here, where you already had something built? Just because you want to be like John Thompson doesn’t mean you have to do it at Georgetown itself. You could’ve had it all here in Providence. You had the path to carve out a nice long career here. You’ll could’ve had a statue out on the Aquinas quad. You could’ve gotten your own line of local pasta or Marinara sauce like Rick Pitino and Buddy Cianci did. There could very well have been a Cooley Center built on Eaton Street. But now? Now you’re just like the rest of them. Pitino, Barnes, and all the rest who simply used PC as a stepping stone. Unlike the others, you were the one to be all proud to be a son of Providence. Coming home to a ‘dream job’ who took great care of you. How many raises did you get from PC? You had it all here and now you’ve taken everything you built up just to go to a rival in the same damn conference. Fans would have been much more understandable had it been a job with Duke or UNC or something like that. Not a program that Patrick Ewing left in a worse state than his own knees. 




You want to be John Thompson? Best of luck to ya! You’re chasing a legacy that you simply won’t match at Gtown, with a very tall shadow lurking that you won’t be able to escape. I think Thompson himself would be questioning why you’re giving all this up. 



The state of Rhode Island has a bit of a Napoleonic Complex. Do not cross us! This place is small but mighty! It’s not all sunshine and Del’s lemonade stands. I cannot wait until the day comes that you come back to the Dunk (Dunk not AMP. I refuse to acknowledge it as the AMP). That place is going to be buzzing. Joe DiMaggio said ‘they can boo as loud as they can cheer’, and you know how loud the Dunk could get during the glory days before you turned your back on everyone. 

I have to laugh now thinking of that line you always had about the Friars that looked nice on t-shirts:
Us, We, Together, Family, Friars. 

Bull. Shit. See you at the Dunk. 

Thursday, February 9, 2023

Super Bowls, Whoppers and the Renaissance of Pam Anderson

The Super Bowl is near! To sum it up short and sweet, this matchup kind of sucks. Philly is a terrible city. I’m sick of Patrick Mahomes, his idiot brother, his douchebag of a tight end and his annoying-ass wife. The only thing I’m rooting for this year will be my various Super Bowl squares, some meme worthy content (never forget Left Shark!), and Rihanna because who doesn’t like Rihanna?  Also, I don’t understand why the media is so obsessed with Jason and Travis Kelce’s Mom? Are we as a society really at a point where we are supposed to be obsessed with this woman just because her two sons are good at football? I hope they let her do the coin flip and the entire stadium boos her out of Arizona. Utter nonsense. Anyways!  This weekend usually provides some good pop culture content, so I felt the urge to right up a good ol’ fashioned pop culture smorgasbord for old times sake. 

Boo this woman!

There seems to be a certain renaissance of late 90’s and early 00’s superstars here in 2023, and I am all about it. Jennifer Coolidge is a gift from the comedy Gods. Brendan Fraser back in Hollywood is a feel good story, especially with all the weird shit that happened to get him blacklisted by studios. Let’s do him right and get a new Mummy movie. Pam Anderson is once again the baddest bitch on the planet, a title that should never have left her. This is great to see! Icons are icons for a reason. Hell, even Bennifer is back together of J Lo and Affleck…holy shit I hope they make a Gigli 2! Please God make Gigli 2. What could go wrong?!

...and bring this hat back into style!

While I’m not the biggest fan of their food, I have to give Burger King their props for their marketing teams. I was obsessed with the creepiness of the BK King in their ads. That magnificent bastard was creepy as all hell yet it would always make me laugh when he popped up out of nowhere. Maybe that says something about me but it’s the truth. Now they have their catchy Whopper Whopper jingles that could and should take home a Grammy next year. They have managed to create something that has instantly gone viral and now covered/remixed by TikTokers. It’s the catchiest song I’ve heard in a while and it shows how important a simple jingle can be. I don’t know about you but if I ever need flooring, I’m rolling with Empire Today because of their ear-virus of a jingle. That stuff works! I hope you all eat like a King who’s on a budget this weekend.

An Icon seen here with Bob Baffert

Are the Charlotte Hornets the most random team in the history of American sports? This dawned on me when thinking about the popularity of the purple and teal starter jackets that randomly everyone owned. You either had a Chicago Bulls (duh), Orlando Magic (Shaq and Penny Hardaway) or a Charlotte Hornets one. The fact that they had an iconic Starter jacket may have been the high water mark for them as a franchise. They haven’t won a playoff series since the 2003/2004 season. Their most famous player had to be Muggsy Bogues, and that was mostly because he was a little fella and got some screen time in Space Jam. Throw in the fact that they moved to New Orleans, then got a new team as the godawful Charlotte Bobcats and then switched back to the Hornets…there’s a lot of weirdness going on there. This has really been weighing on me lately. It’s my slow season at work. Cut me some slack. 

The Razzies got in trouble for nominating some girl who was like 10 for her performance in some movie I never heard of and people got mad. Meh. If Shirley Temple could win an Oscar, and Macaulay Culkin could make Home Alone and Home Alone 2, this girl could have simply stepped up to the plate and been better. I blame her presumably awful stage Mom. 

UFC head honcho Dana White has a new show called Power Slap where it looks like a bunch of drunk guys who never leave their home town stand still and slap each other in the face. I caught about 24 seconds of an episode while looking for the remote to change the channel, and I felt dirty just glancing at it. This has to be the lamest thing on television, right? There was so much more entertainment in the hallway fights back in high school. Some of those were legitimate battles! I just find it amazing that this show of slap and tickle matches got the green light for a real network deal. We used to be a proper country. Bring back Most Extreme Elimination Challenge already.

The only bigger head scratcher of a TV show still on has to be the fact that Chrisley Knows Best just kicked off a new season despite Todd and Julie starting their prison sentences. USA Network just acts like nothing has happened and they just love filming all the totally not staged hijinks with the grandma and weirdo kids. I really do think Todd Chrisley’s biggest gripe is that he won’t be allowed to have his face moisturizers in the pen. I cannot wait to see the before and after photos of him when he gets out of prison. You know how they always show pictures side by side of Presidents on their first and last day in office? This has potential to be blow all of those out of the water. I know you can learn to make toilet wine in prison but I’m not sure if anyone has perfected toilet Botox yet. Poor bastard.

I bet he'll be saying this quite a few times over the next 12 years.

People love the notion of Super Bowl commercials even though they seem to be few and far between in terms of quality these days. Not a whole lot really have the staying power that they used to. This whole M+M’s ad campaign about a name change with Maya Rudolph is a waste of time. It seems exactly like the flop of when IHOP tried to jokingly rebrand as IHOB (you know, burgers instead of pancakes). The only noteworthy thing about it is Tucker Carlson getting all hot and bothered over the sexy green M+M and her shoes. That weirdo has got some kind of perverted mind if you ask me! Obsessing over a candy person. Sheesh. His poor wife. Outside of that, I guess the inevitable Ben Affleck Dunkin’ Donuts commercial could have a chance at being an all-timer. Just don’t over-Boston it. It’s played out. The accent jokes are too easy and lame. 

While this blog is all for funsies and the point is to skewer all things pop culture or whatever, may I please pass along my deepest condolences to the legendary Burt Bacharach, cut down in his prime at the tender age of 94 today. 

Your performance in ‘Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery’ and ‘Austin Powers: the Spy Who Shagged Me’ were spellbinding. As a youth, I thought it was the classiest thing in the world to try and woo a woman by hiring Burt Bacharach whilst on top of a double decker bus in Las Vegas. Mr. Bacharach dressed to the nines, tickling the ivories with a candelabra resting on top of his piano, all while drinking champagne on the Vegas strip was the epitome of class. In fact, when I was planning the first date with my girlfriend, I tried to recreate this. I was dismayed to learn that Mr. Bacharach was 91 years old and double decker buses don’t really do a lot of sightseeing in New York City in the first week of February. 


Anyways, rest in power, Burt. You brought a lot of joy to my generation via a couple cameos. 


Tuesday, January 17, 2023

Tostitos: Spice Up My Life!

 I like to consider myself a man of refined taste. I like the finer things in life and one of the finest things that I have enjoyed over the years is salsa con queso. When it comes to salsa con queso, Tostitos is the king. A true titan of the queso industry. Tostitos salsa con queso is something that has always been there for me. In need of an uplifting snack after the work day? Tostitos queso. Need some sustenance after stumbling home drunk from the bar after too many Narragansett tall boys? Tostitos queso. Just overall bored by life’s mundane moments? Tostitos queso. 

awesomeness in a jar

Tostitos salsa con queso has brought an absurd amount of joy into my life at literally any hour of the day. It’s mix of cheese with chilies and whatever else is in there is utterly divine. This being said, however, I must admit that here in the year of our lord Twenty Hundred and Twenty Three, I have one small gripe with my beloved Tostitos: I need more heat. Gimme more heat.

Why be mild when you can get wild, baby! This is the flaming hot generation. I challenge Tostitos to step up and give the good people of the world what they deserve: spicy salsa con queso! In case you didn’t know, their salsa con queso dip is only available in 'medium'. I am not one to mess with perfection, but I do think we can try to advance perfection by also have the spicier alternative available at grocery stores near you. I mean think about it, flaming hot this, flaming hot that. Flaming hot tires, flaming hot air fresheners, flaming hot towels, you name it, flaming hot has taken over and has become a way of life for most people. Shoutout to Cheeto’s for starting this movement, I guess. 

I mean if even Funyuns can get flaming hot...

Tostitos already has their spicy habanero salsa, quite tasty may I add, so why not up the ante on the queso as well? What could go wrong? Your so sales go so far through the roof that you may need to pay for a new one? This is a no-brainer. You already have the chip and dip industry in a chokehold. Now is the time to give the industry a stone cold stunner and finish the job. I believe that this is one of the few things that everyone in this country can actually agree on. 

Meg thy stallion knows flaming hot is the trend

As a very proud queso connoisseur (…quesonoisseur? May need to workshop this one) it is time to begin a new movement. I hope this blog not only finds Tostitos well, but it gives someone with a lot of brains the idea to pitch to the big board meeting next week or whatever. We deserve more spice in our life! My honest wish is that by the Super Bowl 2024, I will be able to heat up a nice big bowl of Tostitos Spicy Salsa Con Queso, rip open a bag of Tostitos scoops and have myself one hell of a day. It won’t even matter who’s playing or how much money I’ll have lost on various bets. As long as spicy salsa con queso is around, I’ll feel like a winner. 

Make it happen, people! Let the movement begin! 

Wednesday, December 28, 2022

No. Turnstile Didn’t Sell Out, Dummy

Nacho fries are back at Taco Bell. How do I know that? I was on my iPad playing Mario Kart when I almost snapped my neck looking up at my TV when the opening riff to Turnstile’s smash hit ‘Holiday’ hit my earbuds. Hearing Turnstile is always an honor and a pleasure, but I must admit I was caught off guard when it was for a Taco Bell commercial. It was unexpected but awesome. Kinda like watching the Muppets and Gonzo dropping an f-bomb. 

close enough!

Taco Bell is chill. I appreciate their ‘live mas’ attitude. Taco Bell even tries to make people care about baseball with their annual steal a base, steal a taco promotion. I’d say the Turnstile fan base likes to live mas as well. Crank some Turnstile while enjoying a nice cheesy gordita crunch with a Baja blast to wash it down and you are living the dream my friend. 

This is where I want to take my head and pound it against a wall for a good hour: people immediately arguing if Turnstile “sold out” by lending their music to a fucking Taco Bell commercial. 

What year is it? I know people long for the nostalgia of the 90’s, but one thing that can stay the hell back in the old days is the notion that bands sell out over trying to make a few bucks when they get an offer. People need to calm the hell down. It’s not like they have the AFLAC duck emblazoned on their drum kit or commercials for Subway play between songs at their live shows. Band tees that feature a Toyota logo would suck, but I don’t exactly see that happening anywhere. 

This is like the millennial version of an old person yelling at a cloud.  I find it nauseating that people allow themselves to get upset over the fact that someone wanted to pay Turnstile some money for a commercial and they said yeah sure. Why don’t people complain about soundtracks? Bands get paid for that stuff too. No one says The Rolling Stones sold out for Gimme Shelter appearing in every single movie trailer ever made. 

It especially grinds my gears seeing people complain on Twitter, bandying about selling out and shit when they are most likely the same people who haven’t even bought any merch, albums, cds, concert tickets or anything. The most they do is listen to them on Spotify or Apple Music which pays about 0.00001 cent for every play and think they are doing their part and Turnstile should cater to THEIR wishes and demands. 

Turnstile is finishing up one of the best years any band has had in a long time. The ‘Glow On’ tour was an epic success (I was blessed by them at the first night of the two Boston shows and they kicked so much ass live it was incredible). They just got nominated for multiple Grammy awards. They have been making the late night circuit. Everything is turning up Turnstile, and that’s great to see. Holy shit, imagine that! Feeling happy for a band that you like!!! Wow! What a novel notion! 

If you really are bothered by this, find help. I simply don’t understand being upset for a band you (allegedly) appreciate obtain some financial success. There guys need to make money to live their lives just like you do. Do you really not understand that this is their job? I bet no one reading this goes to work every day making zero money. I’ll tell you this, if they didn’t make any money doing this, Turnstile would have to get day jobs which would then mean fewer shows and albums and songs and hey look no more Turnstile. I can’t believe this is still a topic that needs to be discussed in 2022 because I am just so incensed that people still have this old fashion way of thinking. If you like a band or musician, support them. And don’t get all angry if they are offered some money for a commercial. It’s 2022, no one pays for cds anymore. We can all grow up and accept this. 

Turnstile sent me!

We, as a society, need to give up on the selling out bullshit. You should be more concerned if a band completely changes a sound or message. If Turnstile’s next album went full on country pop and every song was bout a different fast food chain, well okay we can discuss that.

I, for one, hope that Turnstile makes millions because they are tremendous. I also hope this deal with Taco Bell got them all a lifetime supply of Mexican pizzas. They deserve it!

Sunday, October 23, 2022

Album Review: Arctic Monkeys 'The Car'

 Oh no. 

That was my reaction to the first 2 seconds of the Arctic Monkeys lead single 'There'd Better Be A Mirrorball' off of their new album 'The Car'. Right off the bat I just knew it was going to be just like their last album, Tranquility Base Hotel and Casino, and that's not a good thing. 

I love the Arctic Monkeys, I really do. Their first 4 albums were simply delightful. They have great, witty lyrics and, what I appreciate the most, insanely catchy guitar riffs. TBHC came out in 2018 and it felt like their first whiff, yet it still sold well (in this day and age). This album? Yikes. 

I appreciate Alex Turner and company reinventing themselves for each albums. Over the years they've been young partying hotshots, greasy biker dudes, smooth leather jacket wearing badasses, and even with TBHC they went all in on some sort of bizarre hotel in outer space. Sadly, the album felt like they were trying to make music fit for a Heineken or Stella Artois ad. It was a total snoozefest. They got a pass with the last album do they another reinventing of themselves, but The Car is a copycat of the last album, and that ain't a good thing. Nothing is exciting about this album outside of the song titles. At least those are kinda creative and fun. 'Jet Skis on the Moat' should be the title of an absolute party anthem. It's a damn shame the song belongs at a funeral home. 

I will admit it's hard to stay mad at them since they are still one of the coolest bands on the planet, but: they need to quit the 70's lounge act shit. Why are you singing in this weird style? Stop it.  You sound like a Saturday Night Live skit parodying the Arctic Monkeys. We need the rock and roll saviors that they appeared to be up until 2018. Make more songs that would look fitting for an episode of Peaky Blinders. I can't really picture Tommy Shelby walking the mean streets of Small Heath to 'Body Paint'. You had a great thing going! 


The big problem with The Car is that it is incredibly slow. There's nothing wrong with slow songs. In fact, the Arctic Monkeys have their fair share of very good slow songs: 505, Cornerstone, no.1 Party Anthem are all absolute gems. All of them are still catchy and you will find yourself singing along to them at a show or in your own car sitting in traffic without even realizing it. This album is like they are trying to become the leaders in elevator rock music. There is so little drumming on this album (and the last one to be honest) that it makes a lot of sense that drummer Matt Helders had time to focus on his photography career. His cover art photo of a car on a rooftop parking garage is the most useful thing he contributed. Not saying it's his own fault because Alex Turner seems to be the band leader and visionary but good grief, let's pick it up a bit gang!

This was really frustrating because everyone who listens to the Arctic Monkeys know that they have the capabilities to turn out another great rock album. I'm not giving up on them and you shouldn't either. Maybe Alex Turner was pissed that the last album wasn't viewed as another work of his genius and tried to double down on The Car. I don't know. We could've used another great rock album and instead...garbage was made. The best part of listening to The Car on Spotify is that you can quickly click on their artist page and throw on I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor or R U Mine? I recommend giving it a full listen through the once and then go back and listen to any of their first four albums to make yourself feel better (or to wake up). I haven't had this bad an experience with a car since I totaled my mom's 1999 Dodge Intrepid. 

Here's hoping Alex Turner is motivated to rock our socks off on the next one. 

Monday, October 17, 2022

Ticketmaster Can Go Fuck Itself!

 About a week ago, aging pop-punk and emo enthusiasts got some great news: Blink-182 was bringing back Tom DeLonge. The not quite original but definitely most beloved lineup of Blink told us they were back, complete with a new album, a song release (it's decent!) and most importantly, a massive world tour in 2023. 

Of course in this day of the internet, many made jokes about the age of the current fans blah blah blah. Some were decent, most were not even remotely humorous but whatever. It didn't rain on the parade of a proper Blink tour with the band back together (Sorry Matt Skiba). I don't think it's crazy to say that people of my generation still adore Blink. I'm 32 and they were like kings to my friends and I growing up. Mark Hoppus is like the Tom Hanks of Pop Punk, he's like a scene father figure to us! All three of the guys are beloved, and still keeping on everyone's radar. Travis Barker has produced like 33 trillion things, and married the only Kardashian that is worth a damn (also the one with the least amount of plastic in her). Mark whooped cancer's ass. Shit, Tom even managed to get the US government to admit that Aliens do in fact exist, because of his own research. God bless these three! They all have been thriving on their own, but everyone knows when they are together, full Voltron mode, they are the best.

I hope Mark finds that as a compliment!

A massive added bonus to the tour was the addition of the increasingly popular Turnstile, along with the legendary Rise Against (excellent band live, from what I remember from, like, 2009) and The Story So Far. That is one stacked tour for anyone who still likes guitars. This had the making for the tour of the year.

Then this morning happened. 

Holy shit. What a disaster. 

For anyone who has seen Peaky Blinders, there is a point in season 1 where Tommy Shelby explains the "soldier's minute". That one final stretch of calmness before the storm. It lasts seemingly forever and it oozes with tension of what is going to happen next. I felt that as the clock hit 9:59 am. Patient as ever, I waited out that minute only to be told that I was in a waiting room with over 2,000+ people trying to get tickets to the Boston Garden show next May. This part made sense, whatever. Not a surprise. What was surprising was being so incredibly victimized by Ticketmaster's "dynamic pricing". When I finally was allowed to go looking for tickets at about 10:25, my jaw damn near broke from looking at the prices. $1,000 for floor seats. $500 and up (before fees of course) for lower bowl, and even close to $400 for the nosebleeds up in the balcony level. 

Ticketmaster. Absolutely. Blows. 

They try to argue that "dynamic pricing" will cut out scalpers but then the prices get absurd because of the demand for the tickets....right when they go on sale...as if...a bunch of people aren't going to try to get them right when they go on sale....instead of going to scalpers....I don't care what bullshit excuse they try to use. These prices are just insane. They should bring back box offices at this point. Everyone knows the stupid fees we all get overcharged which don't make sense. "Handling fees" for e-tickets that don't have to be printed out. "Service fees" and "tax fees", go screw. Back in simpler times, you'd swallow the stupid fees, shrug it off and say eh okay it is what it is. These prices? No thanks. I'm not going to pay for prices that rival my half of the monthly rent for a somewhat decent seat. I absoultely loathe Ticketmaster. They are pure evil. I think even employees at the DMV would be in awe of how poor Ticketmaster treats their customers. 

They try to say this "dynamic pricing" is a way to curb scalpers but I really don't want to hear it. I have never dealt with prices like this when they go right on sale. Face value prices don't exist anymore. They have gone the way of the Dodo bird. This bullshit by Ticketmaster has jumped the shark. Egregious is too weak of a word for it. Anyone who works for them should be ashamed. They probably all clap when their airplane lands. I truly want this company to fail so badly. You know if they are pulling this shit already, it's just going to get worse and worse. 

What should be a super fun tour of the year, feel good reunion for an entire generation of people is now just a frustrating reminder that makes you say "Well I guess this is growing up."


Ticketmaster can go fuck itself. 

Count me out, folks!