Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animal

I'll start this post off with a beg forgiveness. I apologize for not blogging since November the 27th when I made the world realize that the Christmas Shoes song is the worst thing to ever grace this good earth. I have an excuse, however it isn't a good one, but to be honest, I've just been too busy with school to blog. Okay anyways, Christmas time is upon us, and my gift to all of you is me taking a day off from finals to blog. I'm going to give you my Christmas list for this year. This means that all of you have 10 days (including today) to get me the stuff that would make my Christmas so great.

  • Something good happening to Tiger Woods. The poor guy needs it. Even the porn industry is taking shots at Tiger by making a porno intitled "Tiger's Wood". Honestly, this is the worst month for any human being of all time. 92 mistresses, a link to human growth hormone, losing sponsors such as Gatorade and Buick, being beat around by his model wife with his own golf club and having to take an indefinite leave from golf. I want a good thing to happen to Tiger for a change, the poor guy needs it. I think Tiger was framed honestly. I want to hear that Tiger was framed. I know, I want one of the Tiger mistresses to actually be good looking. So far Tiger is 0-92 on the hot mistress count. One hot mistress can let the world know that maybe he cheated on his model wife for a good reason. Eh, that would be a Christmas miracle now wouldn't it?
  • Lowball glasses. This may be weird, but after the lovely Alyssa Parella introduced me to lowball glasses, I fell in love. They're so simple yet sophisticated, they're clear, they hold fluids, what more can I ask of a glass?
  • I want a reunion show of Boy Meets World. This show was underrated. Whatever happened to Cory and Topanga? Did the marriage last? Most young marriages usually don't last in today's world. Just look at MTV's Engaged and Underage. What about Shawn Hunter? Is he still as cool now as he was in High School. One things for certain though, Mr. Feeny is still the greatest principal to ever live. In fact, I'm declaring that Mr. Feeny was the greatest fake principal ever. This list includes Edward Rooney of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Principal Prickly of Recess fame, and Principal Bone from Doug.
  • I want someone to tell me that my blog is better than a celebrity. Haley Cook told me the other day that my blog is close to being better than John Mayer's blog because it's more fun. This being said, apparantly I'm not as good looking nor as important as John Mayer, so she still said that his blog was just better based on the person. So I want someone to truthfully tell me that my blog is better than an A-list celebrity's blog. Please and thank you.
  • Legos. I can honestly say that if there was one toy from my childhood that I could still play with today and not get made fun of, it would definitely be Legos. Alright, maybe not get made fun of, but I wouldn't be ashamed of playing with Legos. I spent so much time creating perfect societies out of Legos. It could be the greatest creative toy of all time, and it certainly kicks the bejeezus out of Lincoln Logs. What else could you build with Lincoln Logs besides a Log house? Still to this day, one of my proudest moments was creating this Lego Pirate Ship which looked like this. I guess Legos are the only toy that I still have fond feelings for.
  • A Columbia University/Barnard t-shirt. Danielle Rizzini, this is your shoutout. It also is doubling as a request for a Christmas present. You are my favorite Jewish person in the world, so since I know you will be reading it, you can make it a Hanukkah gift if you want.
  • A female companion. After surviving the most horrific relationship known to man, I promised myself that I would stay low and keep myself single for a long time. Fast forward from July 27th 2008 to now and I've decided to take a bold step back into the world of dating. If you're interested in a guy with wavy brown hair who writes blogs, then go to my facebook or something and tell me how much you love me. If you have a female friend who is good looking and might be interested, or want to play a cruel joke on them, send them to me.
  • People to spread peace, joy, happiness and links to this blog. I want to affect as many people with my knowledge about useless things as possible. I'm telling you, this blog will be famous one day.
  • Tickets to the Bruins/Flyers Winter Classic game at Fenway Park would be nice. Do I expect anyone of you to give me these? No. But I can dream can't I?
  • A Red Hot Chili Peppers cd in the near future.
  • A bobblehead of myself. I like bobbleheads, so having one of myself would be pretty cool I guess.
  • I want Danny Allen to crack a smile. Lord knows that that kid needs it. Everyone knows that it takes more muscles to frown than it takes to smile.
  • Another good Christmas present would be for Eric Lamy to no longer bother me about giving him a shoutout on the blog, therefore I'm giving myself an early Christmas present and giving Eric a shoutout right now. Thanks for the ride from Louie's Eric. You are without a doubt the wisest man I've ever met.
  • Now that I've been thinking about it, how about a Ferris Bueller sequel? I mean it couldn't be worse than D-3 the Mighty Ducks nor Caddyshack 2. Or the second Ace Ventura. Or Jaws 2, 3 and 4. Actually nevermind. I don't want a Ferris Bueller sequel.
  • Tickets to see The Clash, Nirvana and The Ramones.
  • Heidi and Spencer Pratt, so I can light them on fire.
  • A puppy.
  • A portrait of myself to hang in my dorm.

Is this too much to ask for? I don't think so. I mean I realize that the only plausible thing I may get is the Columbia/Barnard T-shirt from Danielle Rizzini, but even that might be a stretch. Oh well.

Welp, see ya later.

Friday, November 27, 2009

The Christmas Shoes

It's officially the holiday season, which normally means that many people will be either A. extremely happy or 2. extremely depressed. I've felt both of these during the past few Christmases, but that's besides the point. Speaking of extremely depressing, let's take a look at one of the worst songs ever written. The Christmas Shoes is without a doubt the most depressing, nonsensical and awful songs ever written. I can't tell if it's a good thing its a Christmas song or not. Being a Christmas song, it's only played for 2 months out of the year, which is more than enough in my opinion, on the other hand, it's a Christmas song yet it's so depressing it would make Jack Bauer cry. I'm going to absolutely tear this song to pieces, so if you're easily offended or think that it's a cute song, be prepared to keep reading, because you'll be offended and/or realize that it is a stupid song.

Now to be fair, I will admit that I'm not a fan of Christmas music. I never really was, and I don't really have a reason for it. Now I know for a fact that my great roommate Matt Rizzini thorougly enjoys Xmas music and will be playing as much as possible in the dorm to 1. indulge himself and B. to piss me off. Last year I managed and just tried to ignore the music, but when the Christmas Shoes came on, I would have to leave the room. Now onto the Christmas Shoes, for those of you who don't really know what I'm talking about, it's pretty much a song about a little boy who goes out and buys his dying mother a pair of shoes that she liked around Christmas time. There are so many things wrong with this song that I can feel myself getting sick just thinking about it. I'll do a numbered list of reasons why I hate it and what's wrong with it, so let's start with:

1. Nonsense--It just doesn't make sense. This kid is about to lose his mother, and instead of working on finding a cure for her illness, he's worrying about shoes. Who cares about the damn shoes, you're about to live the rest of your sad life without a mother. There are so many arguments for this song being complete nonsense that I can't even list them all. I'd be worrying about going to my mother's funeral instead of going to Payless shoes to find a good deal.

2. Mishandling of Money--This kid's mother wasn't even in a hospital because the family is too poor to afford to pay the hospital bills. So what does the kid do? Piss money out the window by trying to buy some shoes for his mother. That's nice, pay money that you barely have so your Mommy can kick the bucket with. At least she won't hurt her feet when she kicks the bucket now that she has her nice new shoes that she'll probably spend the last 5 hours of her life wearing. Great job kid. Now you're gonna be 30 dollars shorter when paying the funeral expenses. I'm sure your Dad will be thrilled.

3. Lack of Judgement on the Mother's Behalf--Okay, put yourself in her shoes (pun intended). Imagine you're dying. What would come to your mind? If you weren't the selfish type, you would think of what would happen to your poor son. College funds, growing up without a woman in his life, not being there for his wedding, not being able to send him off to middle school, not being able to ground him, not being able to watch him grow up. Yeah, those would be the thoughts of most people. Now let's go to the mother in the story. She's worrying about shoes. To her, having a pair of shoes is more important than all the other things I mentioned a few sentences ago. What kind of a mother is this lady? Making her son go out in the cold (probably without a jacket; how could they afford a jacket for the son if the mother couldn't afford shoes?), risking catching a cold, just so she could get some shoes. Great job Mom, you're worse than Lindsay Lohan's mother Dina. Stop being selfish on your deathbed and think of someone else for a change.

4. Question of Style--How stylish can an 8 year old boy be? This mother is risking being made fun of in Heaven with shoes her little brat kid is going to pick out. If I were 8 and had to pick out shoes for my Mom, I would have just played it safe and gotten my mom some Chuck T's, probably in red. Now that I'm 19, I realize that although getting Chuck T's is always a safe bet, I don't know how happy my Mom would be with Chuck T's. She probably would've wanted some heels or some comfy moccasins or something. What is this poor kid going to pick out? Choices for him are even more limited than ever considering he probably has about 13 dollars to spend. Remember that episode of Doug where he can only afford one of the Chuck "Sky" Davis' shoes instead of the full pair? This may happen to the poor little bugger that is trying to find a pair for his Mom. Plus, does this kid know his Mom's shoesize? I don't know my Mom's even today, nevermind when I was 8, so how would he know?

5. Misjudgement of the Father--Where is the father's mind anyways, and who does he think he is? He doesn't have the common sense to tell his kid to not worry about getting the mother shoes she won't need? In a poor economy, this family should be saving up as much money as possible, not just pissing it out the window. You're gonna convince me that this father really didn't have a problem with buying shoes that won't be used? If I bought shoes that would never get used, my Dad would be pissed. This father (if you can even call him that) just doesn't use common sense. Waste not want not my dear sir, waste not want not.

6. The Why Factor--This story isn't true, which means someone made it up. Tell me, what kind of a Grinch would have the audacity to actually dream up a song like this and then push the envelope even further by marketing this song as a CHRISTMAS SONG. Christmas is supposed to be joyous, fun, family-oriented and the "most wonderful time of the year". Now, some idiot concocted this great song to spoil all the good feelings associated with Christmas. It's like being a concert and someone turned off the electricity, thus sending everyone home being disappointed. It's like watching a football game and having it end with a tie. It's like being in class and your teacher is 20 minutes late, so the class is having a goodtime by simpling just talking to friends, and then she shows up and tells everyone to sit down and shut up. It's like when you first found out that this guy died. It just ruins everything. This song just ruins Christmas. Good job Mr. Grinch. You spoil the Christmas cheer everytime your song that you wrote in order to make some money (presumably to buy shoes for himself).

In conclusion, I hope you have come to realize just how pitiful this song is. If you hate me for writing this, I really don't care, because deep down, both you and I know that I'm right. Merry Christmas ya filthy animal.

Welp, see ya later.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Planes, Trains and Elevators

I have a new outlook on life, and I'll tell you why. One of my biggest inspirations to actually create a blog is Club Trillion. In a nutshell, it's written by this guy Mark Titus on the Ohio State U basketball team and rides the bench, but tells stories about being a college basketball player. I'm saying this because this post is very similar to the one he wrote about when he was stuck in an elevator. Thanks to Meg O'Neil for the topic choice, it makes perfect sense to blog about a topic and I'm somewhat jealous that you thought of it before I did.

Where do I begin? I guess to give the full layout we'll start with the cast of characters involved. It was yours truly, Matt "The Rat" Rizzini, Sean Mottola, Ryan Urkiel and Quentin Staudt. This magical thing happened this past Tuesday night, and the evening started out nice enough. Myself, Rat, Urk and Sean decided to go to the mall so Sean could by Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 so he could finally fit in with some type of crowd. Matt offered to drive us there since his brother has their car on campus at PC. All was going well, but we had to walk over to the Suites to get the keys from Chris Rizzini. Upon the walk we ran into Quentin, asked him to join us, and simply just said "yeah, sure" and tossed away his ciggarette. The night was still going well even as we picked up the keys from Chris's suitemate Rickey Mansfield. Upon him wishing us a safe trip and begging us to buy him some lube from Spencer's, we decided to take the elevator. It all went downhill from there.

Now I know that when you were a little kid, you did exactly what we were about to do. As soon as the elevator goes down, you would jump up, and for about .00007495 seconds, it felt like you were floating, or even better, wearing moon boots. Since myself and Ryan are basically still little kids when it comes to elevators, we both gave each other a glance and jumped as it went down. Like every time I've done it in my life, nothing happened. Unfortunately, something happened soon after this, and it became the longest 6 floor elevator ride of my life. After seeing how cool me and Urk was by jumping, Matt the Rat obviously had to do the same thing, but of course, before he did, he wanted to be the center of attention and get all of us to jump at the same time. He egged us on and did a three count. I'm not talking about a normal 1-2-3 count, I'm saying that The Rat used his finger for each number, increasing the fingers for each number, so more of like a OOONNNNEEEEEE (point one finger).......TTTWWWWWWOOOOOOOOO (point two fingers)...........THHHHRRRRREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!(point three fingers). Normally, I never questioned not doing anything on the count of three. If someone counts to three the way Rat did while I was on a diving board, I would naturally jump on the count of three. I guess I thought I was on a diving board when I heard number three. Actually, I guess all five of us thought we were on a diving board when we heard three. Sure enough, all five of us decided to jump on the count of three. That's when all hell broke lose. This stupid elevator named Otis2 bounced down and then slightly bounced back up. Then it just stopped. Yep. We actually broke an elevator. We all had one those faces on us like a. We just got caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar, b. just witnessed one of our friends ex-girlfriends come back to our floor to say hi, while said person is hooking up with another girl, 3. like our reactions when we heard that Michael Jackson died, and d. like we were waiting for the last number we needed to complete a bingo card.

So basically the five of us were stuck in an elevator. For the first five minutes or so, we all were questioning what to do. Sean immediately sat down and started freaking out saying "Oh my god, why did we do that? We're such idiots. You guys are so stupid. I knew I shouldn't have done that." I don't know if Sean was trying to blame us for it, but he jumped just as much as we did. We contemplated pressing the button with the firefighter's hat on it, you know, the button that if you were on a field trip and you pressed it you'd be suspended for lunch or something. After arguing about pressing the button or just staying stuck in the elevator until the cows come home, we realized it would probably be safe to press the button, so Matt just poked it like it was silly putty. A voice came on the intercom which sounded like God. That is, if I had to think of God's voice, it would definately sound like it was in an elevator. After asking us if we were okay 14 times, the voice of God told us that help would be on the way. The only thing we could think of was the heat in the elevator. Quentin suggested we just get naked because we would stay cool, and we would really give our rescuers a surprise. We basically all sat down and to pass time, we told Sean that if it came down to it, we would naturally eat him first because he was the tallest, and always drinks those crappy protein shakes that don't work. This somewhat freaked him out, but he settled down when I thought of the bright idea to play a game. I simply asked the question, "If you were stuck on an elevator forever and you could bring 5 things with you, what would they be?", and of course Sean went first. After telling us he wanted a gun to shoot himself, porn, and a change of clothes, the voice of God came back on (thank you God, no one wants to know what else he could have wanted) and told us that the fire department was on the way. This was when we realized we could be in trouble. We then heard a knock on the elevator thinking it was our savior, but it turned out to be Rickey. Turns out we were only about two feet away from making it to the 2nd floor. Again he reminded us to not forget his lube and then for some reason vanished. Ryan and Matt texted their girlfriends telling them they were stuck in an elevator. I thought about calling my Mom to pretend I was in serious trouble but then thought against it. We discussed some classic movies that changed our lives, which consisted of Dennis the Menace, Home Alone and Happy Gilmore, and then a different voice asked us if we were okay, how many there was of us, and if we were all male (yes). Finally, we saw some light as a nice Providence firefighter took a crowbar and opened up the elevator and we jumped down about 9 inches to safety.

I felt like I had just got out of prison. It was definitely the longest 35 minutes of my life. It was so nice to see the 2nd floor lobby of Suites Hall and the rescue party. I was hoping there would be a crowd who were waiting our safe arrival and praying for us, but it was only a couple of RA's, some firefighters, a security guard and Chris Rizzini. The old security guard who I can only say looked like a more well built Bob Barker joked that we were throwing around Ryan in the elevator, only he referred to him as "this little guy", to which we jokingly said yes. After saying that the elevator just stopped (which it did...right?), we thanked our saviors and went to the mall. I had never had a better tasting Johnny Rocket's cheddar bacon double before in my life. After this ordeal, I have a whole new outlook on life. I can see how Travis Barker claims that he had a new outlook on life after surviving a plane crash. It was basically the same thing for me. All of a sudden, the sky looks bluer to me, I find myself smiling more, and New Jersey doesn't seem like such a bad state anymore.

One final note, some people have been asking me if I regret jumping. I don't. I also tried to get a video on my phone of the whole ordeal, but I failed miserably.

Oh, and since I know many people who are jealous about this, I would like to rub it in their faces some more that I saw Brand New in Boston on Wednesday night, and it was sick. If you ever get a chance to see them. Do it.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A Decade Under the Influence...of Fun!

Once again, Andrew "Danger" Chace has come through in the clutch, and delivered an absolutely perfect idea for a blog topic. I thought about saving this one until New Years, but to be honest, I can't wait that long to post it. After making my facebook fan page, I simply asked for people to give me topics to post about, and Andrew the Mandrew came up with the best response, so without further adieu, I give to you the 10 best things about the past 10 years. Technically, this will be from 2000-2009, and I realize I'm leaving out this month and next month, but I really don't care.

10. Movies of the Decade - My generation will forever be screwed up by the movies that came out over the last 10 years. I guess this can be said about most generations, but let's face it, my generation will be the most screwed up. When we're older, we will get revenge the same way The Bride did in Kill Bill. If the government keeps acting up, we will become like V in V for Vendetta and make the government fear it's own people. For those of us who are out of shape, big, and have curly hair, you will think you can get a hot blonde chick like Katherine Heigl knocked up. When we're parents, we'll be hoping that if our children's teacher breaks her leg, Jack Black will be their substitute teacher and turn our kids into rock stars. For those of us who will become professional assassins, we will have been tricked into thinking that we can "curve the bullet" like in Wanted. I can guarantee that some people will think that Gotham City is real. Nerds all across the universe who were teenagers during this decade will tell their kids that they were just as awesome as McLovin was. What a scary thought. I think the only thing worse would be if Transformers ruin the world. Either that or 2012 will kill all of us. Oh yeah, and even though as awesome as it would be, no one will have a night like the guys of The Hangover.

9. The Implemention of East Providence Lacrosse (2006) - Matt "Rat" Rizzini one day came up to me in the poorly constructed and awfully painted halls of East Providence High one day and told me he wanted to start a lacrosse team. I had nothing better to do, so I decided to help by giving him the name of my math teacher who played lacrosse at Syracuse. Bam. Team started. I couldn't even spell lacrosse, let alone know how to play, but Matt showed me the light, and soon I was on my way to one of the finest careers ever seen in the history of EPHS lacrosse. I had never had so much fun at a sport. It can be said that this sport was probably the sport I was the best at, considering I sucked at hockey and I ran only one year of cross country, so this could be why I had so much fun playing, but that's besides the point. East Providence Lacrosse introduced me to numerous fellows, most good and a few bad, but playing a sport for fun in a high school environment, hearing my name sometimes called over the loudspeaker for scoring a goal in a 14-0 win over Tiverton High (obviously the most important of those 14), and picking up chicks with my athletics (alright maybe it's not true, I was kinda whipped on a psychotic you-know-what back in my high school days)were what made my high school experience that much better. I will never forget when Scott Damiano 'rode the pony' with his lax stick after scoring a meaningless goal in the 4th quarter of a blowout against South Kingstown, nor will I forget the brawl that broke out where we kicked the $#!% out of Bitchuate High. I still don't consider myself a 'lax bro', but I will always have a soft spot in my heart for 2006.

8. Los Angeles (2007) - Los Angeles. The wild west. This was a vacation for my cousins wedding, and it was one of the most relaxing weekends in my life. I knew it would be a great trip when we first arrived at our hotel, and we came across what looked like a prostitute transvestite who I can swear on my life looked like Shaq. I mean I highly doubt that Shaq would be wearing red heels, a blonde wig and a cheetah print dress, while keeping his goatee on his face, but she/he/it really did look like Shaq. I chilled on Laguna beach, cried at a wedding, finally made it to Dodger Stadium to see my boy Nomar pinchit and fly out to leftfield (thanks for the tickets Dad) and learned what smog was. Los Angeles is just different from Providence in a few ways, and it was a nice change to see how A-listers live, and where they live. Alright, I'll be honest, this trip was awesome mainly because of the females I saw on the beaches, and that prostitute. God bless L.A.

7. Discovering Jack Bauer and 24 - I started watching 24 only because it came on after the NFC Championship game in 2005, and I've been hooked since. There is no doubt that Jack Bauer is the greatest American Hero of alltime, and I will challenge anyone on this subject. Jack Bauer has had the worst day ever. 8 times. No man has ever kicked so much ass, spent time captured, found ways to get out of being captive, taken down evil political figures, and save America in one day than Jack. Each season I know that Jack will survive and save the day, but still, for some reason I keep on questioning whether or not he will do it. I can tell you right now, if Jack Bauer were real, we wouldn't be in a recession. The economy would be great. Everyone would have jobs. The Bruins would win the Stanley Cup. This guy would still be alive. Danny Allen would crack a smile. Long sleeve plaid shirts will never go out of style. Imagine the possibilities.

6. Meeting Joe Rippolone (2008) - Joe Rippolone is one of the most influential kids I have ever met in my life. No man will ever go as far as Joe in any aspect of life. This man, as most of you know, is one of the sharpest dressed, mature, and interesting men I have ever met. I always considered myself a snappy dresser until I met Joe. I've known him for a year and a couple of months, and I have enough stories from him to tell my grandkids until they're 9 without repeating. No kid has ever had the cajones to meet two strippers and bring them back to PC as a freshmen. No kid has gone out to buy a security camera to install in the hallway, just so he can tell who is at the door so he can pretend he's sleeping or if he really want to make the 3 step trip to the door and answer it. Joe has ties to the Ford Family, represents Detroit with all his heart, and is a diehard Lions fan. I will be able to come back to Providence College for class reunions, and if I run into someone I don't know, I'll already have an upperhand in the conversation because I was a friend of Joey Ripp. Joe is virtually a 35 year old executive making six figures trapped in a nicely dressed body. College is a wonderful place.

5. Facebook - This one was somewhat hard to swallow (that's what she said), but facebook is one of the best inventions of this decade. We all benefit from it. Before facebook, I would never have to turn down invitations to groups and events, now I do. Each time I deny or ignore something/anything, I feel better about myself because I am superior to this person/thing. Facebook statuses also helped me spread this blog around like it was swine flu at a college campus. Honestly though, facebook has some benefits. It makes it easier to stay in contact with friends from home, blah blah blah, okay yeah facebook is kind of lame, but we are all guilty of looking forward to notifications, especially on our respective birthdays. It's always fun to get tagged in pictures, and even more fun to look at the loser who sat in front of you during graduation's status informing us that she is in love with a kid you know will turn out to be a convicted felon.

4. Getting in to Providence College (2008)- College will most likely be the greatest 4 years of my life. I've come to terms with this early on, and it's probably for the better that I face this somewhat sad fact. When I got the big white envelope in my mailbox from Friar Town, I knew right off the bat that this was where I was going. Sure, I considered URI, Bryant and Syracuse, but Providence College was always my #1 spot. Since coming here, I have made numerous friends, few enemies, met some of the hottest girls I will ever lay eyes upon, have witnessed some of the most unbelievable things imagineable, and have made memories to last a lifetime. The best part is, my college career isn't even halfway over. Take my dear friend and fellow Bruin fan Mike Marella. I spent a solid 8 months of my life convincing him that he stole my Reese's peanut butter cup, when both of us knew that this was not the case whatsoever. This past September, as I walked into Civ, Mike told me he had a present. I was thinking it would be a highlighter or a pumpkin or something, but no. Mike gave me a king sized package of Reese's. Where else over the course of my life can I accuse someone of stealing, and then get free Reese's? Retirement? Doubt it. While being a working stiff for the majority of my life? Highly unlikely. College is just a magical place, where dreams come true, legends are born, and blogs are created.

3. June 27th, 2009 - This could be my the favorite day of the whole decade. Myself, Andrew Chace, and the magnificent Rizzini Brothers (yeah there's a second brother, Chris, but we don't talk about him too much) went on a day trip to Boston that will not be forgotten for a long time. Started off as a long drive to Boston which consisted of playing I Spy (here's your shoutout Steve Sheridan of Don Bosco Prep, the greatest I Spy player ever), the GPS dying, and the backseat driverside window (my side) not being able to go down. This soon became even better when we finally reached Beantown and got a bite to eat at Eagle's Deli. This place, without a doubt, has the greatest burgers ever, and is even the home of one of the greatest eating challenges ever, as seen here. After shopping on Newbury St. and telling a homeless person that I don't want to fill out a survey so I could just go on my way to Dunkin' Donuts, we ended up behind the famous Green Monster. What is behind the Green Monster you ask? The House of Blues. Why were you at the House of Blues, Jim? Taking Back Sunday. Taking Back Sunday is my favorite band of all time, and they may be one of the greatest live bands ever. This show was amazing, from meeting up with fellow PC Friar Meg Mahoney (thanks for letting us cut half the line, here's a shoutout for that), to the encore, everything was amazing about this show. Sure, Andrew Chace got temporarily thrown out of the show for kicking the bejesus out of some drunk punk (rhyme?) in self-defense, but he ended up smooth talking his way back in. TBS opened up with You Know How I Do and played every song I could've asked for. Oh yeah, then I caught a guitar pick. Then when we got back home we crashed a party which at one point had a minivan drive through it's backyard. Now that's what you call a night to remember.

2. Sports in 2004/2005 - Ah yes, what a great time to be alive. I call this year, the year of bling. 2004 will always stand out as one of the most sucessful years ever in New England sports. The Red Sox had won a World Series, the Patriots won another Super Bowl with a lack of wide receivers, and then even I got lucky. Not only did I win a PYHA hockey championship as the captain of the Red Team, a week later I became a true legend of East Providence when I was the waterboy of the Division III hockey state champion East Providence Townies. We went undefeated, 24-0. The ironic thing is, I played in just as many games as we lost. Zero. You may be asking me, "Wow, Jim that kind of sucks, how can you possibly say this was a great thing for you?". Good question, and for every good question, a great answer should be returned. My good answer is this: I have a championship ring, medal AND letterman jacket for filling waterbottles and only going to two practices a week. It all comes down to the championship rings, and I have one. I don't know too many other Division III Rhode Island hockey players who got rings in February of 2005. Oh wait, no one else had any because us Townies had them. Oh I'm sorry, was I ranting? I must have got carried away while looking at my reflection in my shiny championship ring.

1. Breakfast at Jimothy's (2009) - This blog is the only thing I truly love in life. The love I have for this blog surpasses any love I had in middle school. I know your thinking of that old commercial for Kix "Well if you love it so much, why don't you marry it!", but that's alright with me. I take care of this blog and I enjoy writing us and hope that you, the reader, has some fun reading it. This blog is like my life calling. Do I want to move on in life? I guess so. Lord knows what the future will bring. Maybe I'll write a book. Maybe I'll form a band. Maybe I'll create my own movie. Lord knows what the future will bring. The point is that I wanted to do this for two years, but never thought it would work out. Now I'm doing this and thinking of the next 10 years. I'll be 29 in ten years. What a scary thought. All I know is that it's been a fun decade, and capping it off by creating something that's fun is one of the best decisions I've ever made. Without this blog I'd be staring at my ceiling or annoying someone on my floor. Where would random pictures of Michael Jackson come from? Not from Perez Hilton. Where else can you get an insight into my life? Hopefully nowhere else. Where else can a kid in Providence, Rhode Island talk about the most pointless things in the world? Nowhere. Oh well, enough about showing my true feelings for this blog.

Until next time, welp, see ya later. P.S. Ryan Urk, here's your shoutout. Love you buddy. Tell Brit I said hey.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

A Midnight Stroll Through the Daisies

Tonight, I will be attending Smackdown! at the Dunkin' Donuts Center. I'm posting this blog for Tom Silva who wrote this back in late August. He told me to hold off on posting it until he perfected it. Last weekend when he visited me at PC, he reviewed this post and didn't make any changes to it at all, so he gave me the okay to post it. This is one of the worst things I've ever read. Be sure to click all the links because they are all corrupt. Anyways, enjoy. Tom, you're welcome for me actually letting you post this blog. Keep in mind, I DID NOT write this post, so I don't blame me if you are offended. Until next time, welp, see ya later.

In today's world there are topics which have caused arguements among all types of people. They have caused tears, anger, and if we're lucky, bloodshed. Hello. My name is Thomas and today we will discuss these controversial topics whether you like it or not, Jim.

There have been many advances in modern science. Now you can call me a doubting Thomas but I'm just not buying all this scientific mumbo jumbo. In biology they teach us about our brains, hearts, etc., but what proof do we have of these so called "organs." Have you ever seen your heart? I have not seen mine. Becuase it simply does not exist. As far as I'm concerned the only organs that exist are my hair, my eyes, and my penis. I know what you're thinking. X-rays. X-rays are all Hollywood. X-rays are more fake than Jim's toupée . You're not fooling anyone Jim.

This paragraph was going to be dedicated to child pornography but I'm not even going to deny how terrible it is. How terrible it is that its illegal. So instead I guess I'll just talk about one of the biggest frauds in American history. No not this guy. I'm talking about none other than Amelia Earhart. Most people believe that she disappeared. Well folks, its a lie. I was shocked to learn this myself. The truth is that Amelia Earhart was a spy for FDR. She was spying on the Japanese during WW2. After her mission was complete she created an entire new identity as Irene Bolham. Irene Bolham denied the accusations that she was infact the sneaky pilot-ess during her lifetime but I see through her lies. You decide for yourself.

All my life my parents have said, "Tom why don't you get a fucking life you worthless piece of shit." I decided to take their advice and dedicated my life to finding what every man is looking for. A twenty cent hooker? No. Better. Bigfoot. Yeah, three one word sentences in a row. What up Ms. Kelly (everyone knows shes my old Enlgish teacher). There are very few things that I believe in. But I am very adamite about Bigfoot. No one to date has found the legendary beast. I think the reasoning is because they're just looking in the wrong places. Bigfoot wants us to think he's in the woods. That's because he's on the mother fucking moon or some shit. You think Buzz Aldrin is looking for Bigfoot when he goes up there? Hell no he's looking for some moon sluts. Bigfoot is on the Earth's moon getting it on with all the moon whores, ya heard?

Today's song quote will be from Queen. Freddy Mercury once stated quite ellegantly in Bohemian Rhapsody:

I see a little silhouetto of a man,Scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the fandango-Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me-Galileo,galileo,Galileo galileo/Galileo figaro-magnifico-But Im just a poor boy and nobody loves me-Hes just a poor boy from a poor family-Spare him his life from this monstrosity-Easy come easy go-,will you let me go-Bismillah! no-,we will not let you go-let him go-Bismillah! we will not let you go-let him go/Bismillah! we will not let you go-let me goWill not let you go-let me go/Will not let you go let me go/No,no,no,no,no,no,no-Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia let me go-Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me,for me,for me

Please do not blame Jim for anything stated above. It was me. All me.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

....To Pick You Up On Our Very First Date

Since I've created this blog, as you can imagine, I've been bombarded with e-mails from people who need help when it comes to girls. I don't get why they would come to me for help, but for all the lonely men who need some help with the opposite sex, I will provide you with stories about tips to help you gain your love.

Believe it or not, I was a loser until the 8th grade. Teachers didn't even know my name and people walked by me as if I blended in with the beige walls at Martin Middle School. I got rejected more times than Charlie Brown missed kicking that damn football. I was the last kid picked for all the pickup games during gym class. I was the kid who would get cut in the lunchline and then cut again in the snackbar line. I missed 4 days of the school in the 7th grade and still received a certificate for perfect attendance, because my homeroom teacher just didn't notice I wasn't there. I would then get made fun of for having perfect attendance. Basically I was like a less cool middle school version of McLovin. Then it all changed. I grew out my hair.

My hair is my favorite feature of myself, if that makes any sense. I have what most people call "the flow". One of my friends and fellow East Providence lacrosse teammates called it a "McFlowski". Growing out my hair was one of the greatest decisions I could have ever made. It was like somebody decided to put a fork and a spoon together to make the spork. It's just one of those decisions to never be challenged nor questioned. The summer before 8th grade I decided to simply not get a haircut, and the results paid off. The girls started to notice. Soon enough, I went from being the invisible man to The Fonz after the first week of 8th grade. Girls were coming up to me, running their fingers through my gorgeous locks, and that was when I just knew that I was onto something here. I still had my doubts however. I was nervous for my first school dance, but I gained some confience when I actually was asked to dance by a few young ladies whose names I have forgotten. With all the momentum in the world, it was all about to come to a great realization when a friend of mine asked me a question one day in May of 2004.

I grew up with Madeline Laliberte, and mostly knew her from the local pool club. She went to the all-girls school in East Providence called Bay View. For guys in East Providence from ages 11-13, Bay View was like a whole different planet. No one had ever been to Bay View, nevermind talked to girls there, it was even weird to talk about it. Guys would always talk about just skipping school and going to Bay View for the day, without even contemplating the fact that it would be pretty easy to get caught considering no boys were allowed, but dreams were still running rampant. Anyways, Maddie and I were at the Kimberly Ann Rock field in Rumford when Maddie asked if I wanted to go to a semi-formal dance with a friend of hers "who looked like Barbie". She told me that this girl saw a picture of me somewhere and said I was "cute", which had a HUGE meaning back in middle school. If you were cute, you had it made. After asking my Mom, I told her yes via AIM. Her friend was Meg Smith. Meg Smith will forever stand out in my mind as my first date.

I guess you could say that this was a blind-date, but I think blind-dance-date would be more appropriate. After a few weeks of chatting through AIM with my screename epzslimjim, it was official, I was going to go to a Bay View dance. All my new friends were so incredibly jealous. In the week leading up to the dance, I was a legend around Martin Middle School. I was like the Ferris Bueller of the school. I was so anxious. Granted I had never seen this girl, and only had the image of a Barbie doll to work with, but this was still exciting to me. Finally, Friday night came around, and it was showtime.

After learning that a corsage is a flower, I went and put on the nicest shirt I had, since it was semi-formal. I'm pretty sure if I owned that same shirt now and wore it, people would make fun of me, but at the time it was decent. I then anxiously waited for Meg to have her Mom pick me up. There I was, looking spiffy in my green button up shirt and khakis holding a corsage when the doorbell rang. I can honestly say that I was very nervous. I didn't know what was going to walk through my front door, but when my Mom opened it, my jaw dropped. Meg was by far the most beautiful 13 year old I had ever laid eyes on. All the girls in my middle school were somewhat hip/hop wannabes who looked up to three people: J.Lo, Britney Spears and Lil' Kim. Not to say they were horrible people or anything, but there wasn't anyone like Meg at my school. She was classy and tall and blonde and just stunningly beautiful. When I first saw her I could only think of doing this. I felt like I had won the lottery. After posing for some pictures in which I look very awkward, we were on the way. Oh, and for the record, I would most certainly post the picture on the blog if I had one, and if I do come across one, I'll post it.

The dance was a great time. They served food, I met a lot of Meg's friends who I don't remember, and I had made it into the Mecca of East Providence. I danced with the most beautiful girl I had seen in person, and at one point, some weirdo came by as we were slow dancing, took my hand and slapped Meg's rear end with it. Thankfully, Meg told me this girl was a weirdo and wasn't blaming me for it. I had the time of my life on my first date, and as her Mom drove us to the Newport Creamery for ice cream, I realized that this was the best first date anyone could possibly have.

I'm bringing up this first date mainly because Meg asked me to blog about it, but more importantly to help you, the reader. It goes to show that when it comes to dating girls, you have to start out somewhere, and this start is with your first date. Now I know this may not be the best example, because my first date was simply amazing and the best night ever. I'm not saying that you have to have a night nearly as good as mine, but just having a first date will help. The only other advice I have for you guys is to grow out the flow. Let your hair rage, make it look good, then let the ladies come to you. To be honest, growing out your hair is the only real advice I have for you, now that I think of it. I mean, I guess it's alright to be nice, chew with your mouth closed and show the lovely lady a great time, but the main point is to have a nice flow.

As for myself and Meg, we've remained friends throughout high school and here at Providence College. Each time I see her at a party or something I always bring up the greatest night of my life. So thank you Meg. Thank you for making my first date the greatest one in the history of mankind. You deserve this shoutout. As for relationships go, I've had some good ones, and one awful one which wasted almost 2 years of my life, but hey, you win some you lose some. So gentlemen who asked me for advice, all I can say is grow hair, be courteous, and aim to have a first date half as great as mine.

One other thing just to say, is next week I will FINALLY post Tom Silva's blog. This is filled with controversy and ungodly things. The conversations in this blog are just inhumane. I may regret actually posting it, but just place the blame on him. It will be one of the most corrupt, awful and sickening things you will ever read.

Welp, See ya later.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Fast Times at Facebook High

After I left my laptop open in my dorm at 12:42 on October 15th, my roommate Matt Rizzini decided to change my status on facebook to "Jim Kirwan i says wat i wants and if u's dnt lik it, we gut problemz and muh boiz gon fuc haterz up if haterz keep runnin deir moufs". Upon further inspection, I realized that statuses have become a staple of our lives. I had some great feedback to that tainted status, Kristen Conners liked it, and I had three different people comment it, including Cat Crimmins who told me to 'ride or die'. This status harassment gave me a great idea however: make a status to think of a new blogpost. The response to this status was overwhelming. At 1:07 on October 15th, "Jim Kirwan whoever responds to this question will get a shoutout in the next blog: what topic should I blog about next?" was written for the whole facebook community to see. I had the type of response I could only dream about. Some whiney dork kid asked for it to be about him, two people asked for the Bruins, one person about famous white centers of basketball, such as Goerge Mikan ( I think you meant George Mikan), but most importantly, stupid facebook statuses and endless facebook photo albums. Since I am a man of my word, I hereby give shoutouts to Fordham's Christina Curran and DePaul University's Andrew "Danger" Chace (the kid on the right, or my left, in the picture with the title of the blog) for making a combination idea to blog about.

SO what I've decided to do is take actual facebook statuses that I have deemed 'stupid' and will discuss the various forms of pictures most girls take on facebook. To protect people from getting mad at me, I will change everyone's name to So and So, basically so no one can get me for slander. Let's go.

So and so anyone wanna go to the dentist for me today? - No.

So and so waking up because school makes me. - Alright. So if school didn't wake you up, what would? Your mother?

So and so cant sleep...maybe ill count tom brady's TD passes tonight instead of counting sheep. - Alright I can't make fun of this status, it's a pretty good idea.

So and so is not a widget. - Maybe you're not a widget, but this is a widget according to google images.

So and so Okay, so first of all! Michael Myers COULD BE real! And! There are definitely clowns that live under your bed that WILL eat your toes in your sleep if you let them hang over the edge of your bed. DON'T DOUBT IT! - Yeah, I know Michael Myers is real, he played Austin Powers and even starred in Wayne's World 2. Clowns are scary and I'm sorry to hear about your lack of toes, but what are you doing letting them hang over the edge of your bed?

So and so Fml....smh! Boy o boy I tell u. - Thanks. Now I can sleep at night.

So and so omg so and so just farted on me in his sleep. About time to pee on him. - Please don't. Thats unsanitary.

So and so took a shower without flip flops! - W0W! Did you teach yourself that?

So and so Giants lets get it. - Yep. They got it alright.

So and so FUCKING BINGO! - I wish I could get that excited for something along the lines of bingo.

Danny Allen knows nothing of health care reform. Do you? - No.

So and so fort. - Makes sense to me.

So and so just spent 5 hours in traffic f#$k me right? - Good luck with that. Do you really think girls will do that to you just because you spent 5 hours in traffic?

So and so is wicked sick and can't stop coughing. - Informative, now I know if I see you to stay away from you. Just goes to show that statuses can be useful sometimes.

So and so Is in class... I think putting my head down on the book and letting osmosis kick in is the only way I'm going to understand his garbageeee. - You spelled garbage wrong.

So and so lovin my bitties in 315. - So do I ;-)

So and so I want a friggin sea turtle!!!... someone find one so i can have one. - Yeah I'm on it. But only if I find one for myself first.

So and so who killed hip hop? - My money is on Chingy.

So and so class then taking a serious napopotamus. - Really? A napopotamus? I hope those are on the endangered species list. (P.S. Thank you to Steve Sheridan for showing me this one).

Aright, time for pictures. Now anyone who has a facebook knows that some girls just have endless albums. I'm talking about like albums with 100+ pictures. I'd say the good majority of these albums consist of the person and two friends posing in clothes they are trying on, with different faces in each picture and then later making comments on those pictures about "ew, OMG take this down!!!!". The most common pictures are the infamous "Myspace mirror shot", the always clever "Hand on hip/arched back shot" and the "Look at me dammit shot". These are current staples of facebook albums. Girls think they're soooo h0t in their shiny high heels and highwaisted skirts, with random belts that arent even belts to hold up their shirts (aren't belts used for pants?), dresses that you can't wear to prom but can wear to bars, new hairdo's and leggings. Don't forget about Uggs. Never ever underestimate Uggs.

So once again, thank you to Christina and Andrew, it's people like you who give me great ideas when I can't think of anything and help this blog happen.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Predicting the Future

Some people predict teams to make it to a championship. Some people turn to Miss Cleo for predictions of their lives. Weathermen predict the weather. I'm going to predict the near future for everyone. For this blog, I shall be referred to as The Great Jimbabwae (like Zimbabwe).

First off, the next big celebrity to die will be either Hugh Hefner, Amy Winehouse, or Kanye West.

In 2014, Kill Bill Vol. 3 will come out.

Michael Vick will end up starting a game this year for the Eagles. My guess is week 15. He'll have a rushing touchdown, 1 interception and 1 passing TD.

The World Series champions will be the Los Angeles Dodgers, defeating the Yankees in 6 games.
Manny Ramirez will be the MVP, and then sign with the Yankees when his contract is up.

Miley Cyrus will pose in a magazine scatily clad, wearing nothing but the American flag to promote 'Party in the U.S.A.' and be in the tabloids for a solid 3 weeks over it.

John Madden will make a surprise return to the commentator's booth for either a Thanksgiving day game or a Monday night game.

I will be Heath Ledger's character from Brokeback Mountain for Halloween.

Steve from Blue's Clues will marry Drew Barrymore and no one will care.

The Providence College men's basketball team will defeat URI in one of the worst games ever known to man. Unfortunately, these are the two best basketball teams in the state of Rhode Island and will get plenty of coverage.

The Backstreet Boys will go on tour with *Nsync (minus Justin Timberlake) and 98 Degrees in 2011.

The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series in 2014, but a scandal similiar to the Chicago Black Sox in 1909 will occur and they will be stripped of the championship. They won't win the world series again until 2238.

Harrison Ford will NOT make another Indiana Jones.

Madonna will make out with Lady GaGa at next year's VMA's.

Walmart will one day rule the world.

Mortal Kombat will be made for Nintendo Wii and will become the highest selling game of all time.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers will release an album in 2010.

North Dakota and South Dakota will merge in 2050 and become 'Dakota'. No one will care.

Guam will declare war on Peru. No one will care.

By 2034, the world will go a full year without one action figure being sold. Kids will not care about wrestling figures, G.I. Joes, nor Ken dolls. They will only care about computers/video games.

Someone will die driving a Smartcar by the end of 2009 and people will finally start to realize that they are driving a box of death on wheels.

Tom Brady and Gisele's son will be the greatest quarterback of all time.

Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan's son will be the greatest wide receiver of all time.

Both of Tom Brady's sons will play for the Washington Redskins, who will win 5 straight superbowls in the 30's. (meaning the 2030's).

This year's final four will be Kansas, Duke, North Carolina and the Cinderella story team of the year: UConn.

Jim and Pam Halpert will not get divorced.

I'm giving it between 3-5 years until people realize that there is actually cocaine in Red Bull.

Remember the kid with glasses from Stuart Little? He'll be very very rich in the near future.

Big Foot will be found in Nashville, TN in March of 2013.

That 2012 myth the Aztecs created about the world ending will prove to be false. Nothing will happen.

The Titanic will one day disintegrate.

This blog will hit 1000 visitors by Christmas.

Alright that's about it for now. I have nothing else to really predict, or at least nothing worth predicting. Hopefully some of these will come true, and hopefully some things won't come true, like Furbies becoming popular again. Oh well. Enjoy gang.

Welp, see ya later.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Sweet Chin Music

Patrick Swayze died. So this blog will be dedicated to dancing in a way. Here are my top 20 most influential bands of all time. I know this guy may have been very influential, but he isn't a band, so don't worry, he's still dead and will not be resurrected in this list. This list was composed by myself and Matt Rizzini, so a lot of this credit goes to him, a wonderful friend and an even better list picker numberer guy. Let's get to work.

20. Asher Roth - What a long lived career. You want potential? I'll show you potential. This guy/band/rapper made his career on stating the obvious. Yes. He loved college. Most people do. Was "I Love College" a funny/witty song the first two or three times the world heard it? Yes. Is "I Love College" now a song that only the loner/tool/wannabe guido kids blast in their crappy souped up cars down main streets all over the country? Yes. Way to go Asher, if that's even your real name.

19. Paramore - I have to give them credit. This band is one of those bands that successfully became a "I actually do like them but I can't tell anyone, maybe I should change the band name on my ipod so my friends don't see it on there under artists". I call shenanigans on this. Paramore is good. Tell me that 'Misery Business" isn't a good song and I'll tell you that you're wrong. Everyone knows they know all the words, don't even get me started on 'Crushcrushcrush' and 'That's What You Get'. WhoooooaaaaaaoooohhhhhhhhhhhOhhhhhohhhhhoooooohhhhhhhhh. P.S. The leadsinger is one of my favorite redheads of all time, besides Wade Zawatsky (you'll be hearing more of him later).

18. Yael Naim - Warning, listen to the first 30 seconds of this song and you will have it stuck in your head for the next 3 weeks. That's impressive.

17. Journey - I think Journey is underrated. 'Don't Stop Believing' is probably one of the most influential songs ever. Just look at it's title. Don't. Stop. Believing. Can that be any more influencing? Although they may have broken up, generations upon generations are touched by the smell of wine and cheap perfume. It also helps to have hair like this while you're in your prime.

16. Panic! At the Disco - It's rare to have an exclamation point in the middle of your name. It's also more rare to breakup but keep on touring with blink-182 when your band consists of a lead singer and a drummer. It's also weird to start of a song with the lyrics "what a beautiful wedding", when its called 'I Write Sins Not Tragedies'. Everything about this band is weird, from ripping off Fall Out Boy to just looking like women.

15. The White Stripes - This is legit, because the White Stripes truly are a great band. The reason why they are influential however is because they fooled the world. No one knew what they were. Brother and sister? I don't know. Husband and wife? I don't know. Father and daughter? Maybe. Since I love rumours as much as Hans Landa does, I'll tell you the truth. They were married and then got divorced, but kept the band going, thank god.

14. Fountains of Wayne - Influential because for a solid two years, for me it was during the 7th and 8th grade, this band made every girl in the country named Stacy want to commit suicide.

13. Cobra Starship - Influential because they started out as a complete joke, sort of like what they wear. They right songs about being the hottest stuff out since tobasco, and they actually became popular. Look at them now. Cracked the itunes top 10 songs of the week with a song about good girls going bad. They went from a complete joke to partying with Leighton Meester. Living the American dream.

12. Kid Rock - Can anyone else do rock/rap better than Kid Rock? Makes a song entitled 'Bawitdaba' and all of a sudden he's hooking up with Pam Anderson. Sorta like Tommy Lee. Well anyways, he coined himself the "American Bad Ass" and I think it's true. I'm leaving out his new side which is mostly country. But nonetheless, he is still influential. Having self confidence is great. Being called an American Bad Ass because you wrote a song about it is even better.

11. Eminem - The great white hope. The man disses everyone including his own mother, and he doesn't even get grounded. If I even thought about thinking about dissing Mama Kirwan I'd get booted from my house. This man is nuts. Sure he hasn't done much recently besides that music video that got Mariah Carey mad, but still, he gives white people a chance to dream. Watch, white people will start taking over the rap business, then the NBA, then the NFL, then the NHL. Actually, I think we're fine with the NHL. Nevermind.

10. Lemon Lime Tennis Shoes - Wade Zawatsky, this is for you. I met Wade when I was a freshmen at East Providence High School. At the time he was in a band called Lemon Lime Tennis Shoes. After befriending him and having a class with him two years later, I finally asked him why they are called what they are called and his response was, "Well, basically the lead singer and the guitarist looked around one day when thinking about a band name and saw a can of sprite and sneakers. He then said, let's be Lemon Lime Tennis Shoes". LLTS is the greatest band to ever come out of the great state of Rhode Island. If they can make it somewhat big with a name like this, anyone can. Influential my friends, influential. Thank you Wade. (BTW, Wade is the red headed stepchild who can be seen in the picture barely visible behind the lead singer).

9. Hanson - How many other bands of three prepubescent brothers do you know can go out and write a song that has too many consonants in it? MMMBop. What did girls see in these guys in the mid 90's? I don't know either.

8. Limp Bizkit - Ahhhhhh Fred Durst. What a guy. Dropping hit after his like "Give Me Stuff To Break" and "Rollin'". The Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water is still to this day one of my favorite album titles of all time. Rap and rock may not always go together but Fred Durst made it work. To tell you the truth, looking upon it now, I really can't tell you what one of their songs were about. Love? Prosperity? Oh well, it doesn't matter.

7. Mysto and Pizzi - I know, you haven't heard of them. But, have you heard them? You sure have. Do you remember when? Probably not until you remember when it was right here. Maybe you've even seen them, because they've seen you.

6. Yellowcard - Inspiring electric violinists all across the world so actually do something with a talent most kids complain about learning. 'Ocean Avenue' was such a hit during the 8th grade and freshmen year. It is the ultimate summer song. It only takes me one finger to count the number of songs I know with a violin solo in it. And it is by Yellowcard. Yay Yellowcard.

5. Gorillaz - A band of cartoons. Brilliant. How come no one thought of this before? Sure maybe Josie and the Pussy Cats were kind of there, but did they ever have a number 1 billboard hit? Nope. The Gorillaz sure did. By the way, years later, I was shocked to learn that basically the Gorillaz were created by Blur, which is the band behind this hit. Now it makes sense. Almost the same exact voice in both bands. You learn something new every day now don't you kids?

4. Hawthorne Heights - Emo. Great hair. That's about it to describe them. It may be true that "Ohio is For Lovers" is there only known song, but just take a look at some of the lyrics. "So cut my wrist and black my eyes/so I can fall asleep tonight, and die". Doesn't that brighten up your day? If there is one band that can just ruin a day, it's probably Double H. The one thing I always wondered about them was what made them so upset? I just can't grasp what could possibly make them so sad and depressing.

3. Taking Back Sunday/Brand New - Don't get me wrong. I love both TBS and Brand New a lot. I do appreciate their old stuff when they were whining about girls and feuding with each other. 'Cute Without the E' and 'Seventy Times 7' are probably two of my favorite songs of all time, and basically they are about cheating, and having your girlfriend cheat on you with your best friend, respectivly. I don't know what that says about myself personally, maybe I have some problems. But these bands have developed from emo to legit bands now. I will admit I'm not crazy about Brand New's new cd 'Daisy' but I do understand that they want to grow and experiment with different things. Taking Back Sunday live is an experiment that everyone on this planet should consider doing. Having a whole House of Blues singing every lyric to every song for a whole night like what happened in Boston this past June was an experience I'll never forget. Influential for me? Yes.

2. Eddie Money - 'Take Me Home Tonight'. If anyone sees me out and about at a party, or anywhere for that matter, and blasts this song before I do, I will personally buy you a drink. I consider this a challenge for all you people reading this blog. Just try to play Eddie Money before I do at a party. Try me. Eddie Money was a former cop named Eddie Mahoney. Clever to take out the 'ah' in your last name and christen yourself Eddie Money. Ah. Words can't describe 'Take Me Home Tonight'. Each time I hear it I get chills down my spine. What a guy.

1. Sonseed - There really is no comparision when it comes to Jesus and music. I'm not going to go any further. All you have to do is listen to the words Sonseed says in this video, and you will know why they are the most influential band of all time.

So that's about that. I do want to add one more exciting thing. In addition to myself, Matt and Matt, we now have a fourth roommate. I now will grace all of you with Marvin the Moonman (aka the Cox communications guy). This is going to be a swell year.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Asher Roth is Correct

Has it been a while? Yes. Am I aware I haven't updated the blog in about two weeks? Yes. Am I sorry? Yes. Have I lost my mojo and creative writing juices? No. Is this a new blog for all my adoring fans? Yes. Now let's get to business.

It's been a while, so we have some catching up to do. NHL 10 just came out, my recently purchased Sega Genesis came in the mail on Monday, I've seen Inglourious Basterds 18 times, I have a new roommate in addition to Matt "Rat" Rizzini, and I'm living in a building that was involved with a bad fire back when my dear Mother, Donna Kirwan (there's your shoutout Mom, Love, Jim) was a freshmen at Providence College. In other words, I've been a busy man. Many eyes were glued to the television this weekend as football is in the swing of things. Through college football and football football, we can learn many things. The coolest name of all time belongs to a Notre Dame wide receiver named Golden Tate. Tate Forcier threw a beauty of a pass to upset Notre Dame. I enjoy Tate(r Tots) with my cheeseburgers at lunch. Right now is just an awesome time to be alive. I truly wouldn't want to have lived in any other generation then right now. I know, I know, I know you're asking "Jim what about living in the 50's, you look like you could fit right in on That 70's Show!", but screw that. If I lived in the 50's, I wouldn't be blogging right now, and I wouldn't be able to see Inglourious Basterds.

Praising Inglourious Basterds in this blog is way overdue. I feel like I should create a word to describe the movie, so I'll be working on that over the next few weeks. I will try my best to discuss my true feelings towards this film without giving away any big details for those who haven't seen it yet (and shame on you by the way). Watching this guy, this guy and this guy kill Nazis for two hours and 45 minutes is worth the obscene price of admission. In addition to it being a Quentin Tarantino movie, it is also hilarious. It's always funny when Michael Myers is making a cameo (we all should forgive him for The Love Guru). It's also funny to listen to Eli Roth, Omar Doom (if this his real name then he might give Golden Tate a run for his money) and Brad Pitt try to speak Italian. I have a whole new love and affection for the Italian language and Italy as a whole. I only appreciated Italy for its food, like Chef Boyardee, when in reality, there is so much more. If you still haven't seen this movie, keep in mind that David Bowie AND Ziggy Stardust get involved in this movie. Can you really ask for more?

Okay now for something completely off topic. College. Where legends are made of, nights are forgotten and magic is made. I've been back at PC for 9 days and I could tell you numerous stories already about the crazy stuff that's gone on. In a nutshell, a certain someone on my floor bought a security camera for his room, I witnessed a drunken karate fight that ended when one combatant sprinted down the hallway like Sarah the Cheetah and screamed "Eveyone run for your life, this kid knows karate!", I partaked in the annual Golf Party (don't ask), enjoyed some quality time in the Suites, went 6 for 12 from 3-point range in two pickup basketball games, spent over $500 on books that I'm not interested in, and even had an hour and 24 minute phone call with a department head for a certain book company that screwed me over. To say the very least, it's been an interesting week thus far. One part that may go unoticed when people talk about how great their college is is their dorms. Dorms are so interesting, each one is different in its own special way, kinda like all of us when we were in Kindegarten. And also like how every kid who played tee-ball ended up with an undefeated record because every game ended in a tie. Isn't it refreshing to start a sentence with 'and'? Anyways, back to dorms, they are just so interesting. On my desk right now are a pair of aviators, my hockey trophy for being named MVP when I was eleven and was the first line center for team Fleet Bank, a Paul Pierce bobblehead, three bottles of Coke, a bookstore receipt, a hockey puck, DunkAroos, silverware, these type of glasses (still don't know how I ended up with these), and some pictures of myself with Danny Allen. On the walls in front of me and to my left are pictures of some great Americans, such as James Dean, Scottie Pippen, the Reservoir Dogs, Nomar Garciapopup, Meg and Jack White, Patrick "20 Cent" Kane, Hooter the Owl and the Red Hot Chili Peppers wearing nothing but socks. College just gives me so much freedom. Where else in the world can I have such a sweet setup? Everything I need in life is here in this tiny room. My brain, Coke, Easy Mac, and a computer. The rest is history.

To be very honest with you all, this post is basically about nothing. Danny Allen complained to me via facebook that I haven't posted in a while, and Danielle Rizzini 'liked' it, so I'm just writing this to spare time. To close out this post, I'm just going to leave you with a few facts.
  • After snapping an 8 game losing streak to Matt Rizzini in NHL 09 with Team USA, I finally won 3-1 with Team Sweden. Special thanks to Johan Franzen, Henrik Lundqvist, Peter Forsberg and the crossbar for having my back in this one.
  • I know a few of you have been wondering about Rachel Wall's reaction to the previous blogpost. After texting me saying something along the lines of "I'm excited to see it!", I responded with a "Just promise me you wont kill me", to which Rachel responded an hour later with "I'm going to kill you". Rachel has since forgiven me for posting pictures of her on the internet and even claims to get revenge on me somehow.
  • Tails never fails.
  • The most absurd piece of written work will be posted in the near future on this blog, and just keep in mind that I didn't write it, JOM did.
  • I'm also thinking of having me and Ryan Urkiel, who I think is the only other sane person on my floor, interview Joe Rippolone, who is by far the most unique person I will ever meet in my life.
  • Taylor Swift deserves an apology from Kanye West. That was mad messed up son. I don't know what looked worse, Kanye getting up on stage and doing that, or Kanye's girlfriend.
  • Everybody hide your beagle, Vick's an Eagle. Thank you Wade Zawatsky for that.
  • I apologize for this crappy post once again, I'll have something better very soon.
  • I really don't know how I cracked 500 visitors on this thing, but thank you very much. This was kind of a joke when it started out, but me and Danny will actually be making tshirts for the blog soon. Since this blog is mocking pop culture and myself, I'm thinking of letting the readers of this blog pick out which tshirt design would be best through a poll. That'll be up soon.
  • It kind of scares me that people are still upset that this guy died.

Welp, see ya later.

Monday, August 31, 2009

I'm Gonna Makedamnsure that Buddy Holly was at The Rock Show

Before we get down to business about the 90's, I need to give a very important shoutout to a very important woman in my life. My very dear friend Rachel Wall became a key part of this blog before I even decided to create it. She gave me the nickname of Jimothy before anyone else, and deserves a huge shoutout for it. Without her, my blog would have a different name. So to thank Rachel for garnering over 400 people checking me out through this blog, I'm going to return the favor and let numerous people check HER out. Rachel is a very fun, outgoing girl who likes to have a good time. She's currently looking for an adventurous man who enjoys Twilight, the Boston Red Sox (especially this guy), and long walks on the beach watching the sunset. She lives in nearby Massachusetts, and as you can tell from the following pictures, is quite a looker, and looks good in a bikini while taking pictures of someone else. Now I'm not going to pick out a good man for my good buddy Rachel, I'm going to let her do that for herself. So if you think you can have a shot of love with Rachel Wall, here's her facebook!

Now let's get on to business. Saturday night I went to arguably one of the greatest concerts put together. Taking Back Sunday, Weezer and blink-182 all in one night. Now when you think about it, excluding Taking Back Sunday, Weezer and blink-182 were very influential bands of the mid-late 90's. Who can forget some of their timeless hits such as Weezer's The Sweater Song or blink's All The Small Things? Everyone has seen the music videos for Buddy Holly and What's My Age Again?, and no one will ever forget them. The 90's not only consisted of great bands, but also great movies. Look at the Mighty Ducks franchise. Quentin Tarantino's debuts with Reservoir Dogs and then Pulp Fiction. The Fresh Prince gave the world the greatest opening theme song of all time (yeah I gave you the link to the FULL version, I'm too good to you guys). Much has changed in the sports world from 10 years ago. Back then, Michael Jordan was draining buckets, Gretzky was scoring goals, Brett Favre was contemplating retirement, and Mark McGwire was on steroids. Now, Lebron James is draining buckets, Alex Ovechkin is scoring goals, Brett Favre is still contemplating retirement, and A-Rod is on steroids.

Now some people would argue that nothing really happened during the 90's. Some may say that the 80's were better because people had style and wore their hair like this. Then again, some may say that the 70's were decent, thanks to Blue Oyster Cult creating the song Don't Fear (The Reaper) and this movie. The 90's however were superior to all other decades. I was around for 115 of the 120 months in the 90's, so I have a good sense of what made this decade so good. Therefore I will provide a few reasons for you to bust out your Pogs while you keep on grieving over this guy. Kids can break up their memories into 4 main groups, they are Commercials, TV Shows, Toys and Music, so I'm going to go through each category and pick out the highlights of each, and you will see/remember why the 90's was the last decade of the century. You save the best for last. That's why.

The Commercials- In what other decade could you combine Super Mario and Macaroni & Cheese? I don't see it happening in the 50's. Everyone can remember the way Domino Champ Charlie Armstrong eats a Reese's, just like how everyone remembers In-Line Skating Barbie.

TV Shows- There are simply just too many to list. I mean there are the obvious shows, such as Hey Arnold!, Kenan and Kel, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Are You Afraid of the Dark?, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but let's take time and reflect upon some of the shows we have once loved and have forgotten about. That's right, I'm talking about The Adventures of Pete and Pete, Aaahh!!! Real Monsters!, Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Swat Kats: The Radical Squadron, and of course, Street Sharks. Can the 70's really live up to these shows? I'd take Clarissa Explains It All over The Facts of Life any day of the week.

Toys- Since I'm assuming most of you reading this are around my age, you'll remember most of these toys. The 80's may have had fun with their pet rocks, but why have a pet rock when you can make your own pet rock out of Play Doh? Remember Perfection? Cause I do. My mom didn't have the pleasure of playing with a Skip-It in the 60's, but my little sister sure as hell did in the 90's (yes that really is a picture of my sister). Even I had fun with a Skip-It in the 90's. There really is no contest here when it comes to toys. I'm wasting my time even arguing this.

Music- Where to begin. Nirvana. I'll start with Nirvana. Imagine a world without "Smells Like Teen Spirit", nor with this cd cover. Now imagine if Kurt Cobain and stuck around for the remaining half of the 90's and wrote more songs like "Rape Me". Scary huh? The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Alice in Chains, The Offspring, Rage Against the Machine, Green Day, The Smashing Pumpkins, Radiohead and Pearl Jam all owned the 90's for Rock. Of course, the 90's wasn't all about rock, remember Diddy when he was Puff Daddy? 2pac and Biggie were staples of the 90's until they got shot. Outkast was just starting to make it big while Dr. Dre was making his legend grow day by day in 90's. The only painful part about music in the 90's was watching these guys, these guys (God that smiley face shirt is horrible), and these three girls on TRL with Carson Daly every day.

Oh well, I guess this is enough of a flashback for a while. This is just the tip of the iceberg for the memories of the 90's. This being said, it only takes the tip of the iceberg to prove that the 90's is superior to all other decades. The next blog posted will be an already written post by Tom "JOM" Silva of Seekonk Massachusetts. I've read it, and it is easily on of the strangest and most corrupt pieces of literature I have ever laid eyes upon. I honestly think this kid deserves to be put in the Funny Farm after reading it. Anyways, its only fitting that I leave you with a song I wrote on the way home from the blink-182 show. I realize it's awful and the ending is corny but it's better than anything Panic! at the Disco ever wrote:

&$ck me that was fun/We all had the hot dogs in the bun
Travis Barker wept so sadly/But &$ck that the show ended gladly
Oh Deer, Oh my/we're waiting in the lot to get on the fly
Oh Deer, Oh my/I can't believe Megan Fox is bi
I kinda wish we were &$cked up/but I could just settle for some coke in my cup
My mom just left for London on vacation/go check my facebook, I have 3 notifications
Oh Deer, Oh my/Weezer made us high
Oh Deer, Oh my/with my feauxhawk I look sly
Fighting in the back with Shaina and Wade/after a night like this, we're all getting laid
Driving right behind a mercdes-benz, what a night it was, spent with friends.

Welp, see ya later.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

10 Things I Hate About You...I Mean in General.

Over the course of life, we as humans find that we hate things. Many people hate Adolf Hitler (who gets what he deserves in Inglourious Basterds by the way), Barry Bonds and the fact that The Beatles broke up, just to name a few. Some things just make us cringe, get stressed over, piss us off and make us snap. I hate the fact that I lost to Tom Silva in bowling the other night 178 to 95. Danny Allen hates the fact that the Red Sox traded Nomar Garciaparra. George Bush hates black people. Many different people hate many different things, and since this is my blog, I'm going to share with all of you things that I hate. Hopefully you will see my arguments for each item. One thing I hate is that Heath Ledger died, so in memory of one of his movies, I will list ten things that I hate. I know not everyone will agree with the things I hate, and I respect that, but just bear with me.

The Montreal Canadiens - Growing up a diehard Bruins fan since I was knee high to a grasshopper, I have hated this franchise for years. This is the only sports team I despise more than the Yankees. Just thinking about the Habs makes my fists clench and I get the feeling like I want to break something. They have the worst fans in the world. Their fans booed the US national anthem at every home game against an American team. They boo there own team after the lose, and they even boo their own goalie, Carey Price (even if he deserves it)for getting lit up by the Bruins. They always think they are the best team in the world, when in reality they haven't won anything since the early 90's. This could be due to the team constantly getting drunk every night while partying it up at the Montreal club scene. They have no class and it only serves them right that they got swept in the first round of the playoffs in their centennial season. Arguably one of the greatest nights of my life was having 6th row seats to game 2 of this years playoff series against the Canadiens where the Bruins slaughtered them 5-1. Don't even get me started about the time they wore these jerseys.

Paparazzi and Tabloids - Why do we care about stars lives so much? It's a waste of time to worry about whether Jon Gosselin is a gigolo. I'm much more concerned about my life, so why should I care if Kourtney Kardashian forgot to take her birth control pill and is now pregnant? The only two celebrities I really care about at all are Megan Fox and Kiefer Sutherland. I also cared about this guy until he decided to kick the bucket. It's sort of pathetic that there are magazines that are solely based on the lives of people who make movies. Sure I understand they're famous and have fans, but doesn't it seem like people who have to follow someone else's life makes them seem like a loser? Then the other problem I have with it is that paparazzi gives famous people no privacy whatsoever. Scumbag photographers take pictures of stars doing the most boring stuff and try to make the most out of it. Photographs of Gwen Stefani grocery shopping with her son just seem pointless, yet they can make up some rumor like she's getting fat for buying Fruity Pebbles. Ah paparazzi. They make me go bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

The Shining - Did those twins really need to be that creepy?

High School Musical - Show me a real high school where kids sing all day and have their star point guard look like this.

Thumbelina - Don't you just want to dropkick these two in the teeth?

"Those" Kids - Everyone has them. You text one friend a simple question, and the friend respond with 5 straight text messages before you can even respond to his response. It just aggravates me. We all have one of those friends.

Dance Dance Revolution - Just another reason to realize that white guys can't dance besides John Travolta. Besides, no one dances like you do when you play that game. Picture a kid dancing on the Dance Dance Revolution game. Now picture the kid still dancing, but minus the actual game/danceboard thing. Would that kid dance like that in real life? Didn't think so.

House Cups - A huge staple at college parties. Why does it really matter if some "Bro" shows up with his trusty sippy cup at a college party and deems it a house cup and gets to cut everyone off for drinks. If this can happen, why can't everyone bring a house cup? Is it a cry for attention? In fact, I'm going to start a new movement. I'm going to persuade 40 of my friends at Providence College to bring their own house cup to the same party and see what happens. If there is an abundance of house cups at a party, who gets their refill first? It would be interesting to see what happens.

Kids Who Can't Make Fun of Themselves - We all have our flaws in life, and we also make fun of people for theirs. There are some things about a personality which can determine if you are a beast or if you're a dweeb. It speaks a lot if you can make fun of yourself, or take a joke if a friend is making fun of you, as long as it's in moderation. I do my fair share of making fun of my friends, but I also can make fun of myself. For instance, I have a slight speech impediment and look anorexic. I won't have a problem if someone makes a joke about those two things, as long as its funny and there are no hard feelings. If you are a kid who constantly makes fun of your friends, but then flip out over the first joke a friend says about you, you aren't really a great person. If I were to make fun of Dan for being a Stoic, it would only make sense that he should be entitled to calling me a twig who talks funny, or something like that. In order to throw some punches, you have to roll with them first. As Winston Wolf once said, "Just because you are a character doesn't mean you have character".

The Jonas Brothers - Just look at this. Now take a moment and really think that these kids are the most famous people on the planet right now. That makes me sick. I feel like all three of them combined couldn't even take on Pee Wee Herman.

So a special thanks to Danny Allen for his the previous blogpost he left. Today's cheery lyric of the day is from The Ramones Blitzkrieg Bop - "They're piling in the back seat/They're generating steam heat/Pulsating in the back beat, the blitzkrieg bop/Hey ho, let's go, shootem in the back now/what they want, I don't know/They're all reved up and ready to go". I have no idea what these lines could even mean, but does anyone?

Welp, see ya later.