Wednesday, October 28, 2009

....To Pick You Up On Our Very First Date

Since I've created this blog, as you can imagine, I've been bombarded with e-mails from people who need help when it comes to girls. I don't get why they would come to me for help, but for all the lonely men who need some help with the opposite sex, I will provide you with stories about tips to help you gain your love.

Believe it or not, I was a loser until the 8th grade. Teachers didn't even know my name and people walked by me as if I blended in with the beige walls at Martin Middle School. I got rejected more times than Charlie Brown missed kicking that damn football. I was the last kid picked for all the pickup games during gym class. I was the kid who would get cut in the lunchline and then cut again in the snackbar line. I missed 4 days of the school in the 7th grade and still received a certificate for perfect attendance, because my homeroom teacher just didn't notice I wasn't there. I would then get made fun of for having perfect attendance. Basically I was like a less cool middle school version of McLovin. Then it all changed. I grew out my hair.

My hair is my favorite feature of myself, if that makes any sense. I have what most people call "the flow". One of my friends and fellow East Providence lacrosse teammates called it a "McFlowski". Growing out my hair was one of the greatest decisions I could have ever made. It was like somebody decided to put a fork and a spoon together to make the spork. It's just one of those decisions to never be challenged nor questioned. The summer before 8th grade I decided to simply not get a haircut, and the results paid off. The girls started to notice. Soon enough, I went from being the invisible man to The Fonz after the first week of 8th grade. Girls were coming up to me, running their fingers through my gorgeous locks, and that was when I just knew that I was onto something here. I still had my doubts however. I was nervous for my first school dance, but I gained some confience when I actually was asked to dance by a few young ladies whose names I have forgotten. With all the momentum in the world, it was all about to come to a great realization when a friend of mine asked me a question one day in May of 2004.

I grew up with Madeline Laliberte, and mostly knew her from the local pool club. She went to the all-girls school in East Providence called Bay View. For guys in East Providence from ages 11-13, Bay View was like a whole different planet. No one had ever been to Bay View, nevermind talked to girls there, it was even weird to talk about it. Guys would always talk about just skipping school and going to Bay View for the day, without even contemplating the fact that it would be pretty easy to get caught considering no boys were allowed, but dreams were still running rampant. Anyways, Maddie and I were at the Kimberly Ann Rock field in Rumford when Maddie asked if I wanted to go to a semi-formal dance with a friend of hers "who looked like Barbie". She told me that this girl saw a picture of me somewhere and said I was "cute", which had a HUGE meaning back in middle school. If you were cute, you had it made. After asking my Mom, I told her yes via AIM. Her friend was Meg Smith. Meg Smith will forever stand out in my mind as my first date.

I guess you could say that this was a blind-date, but I think blind-dance-date would be more appropriate. After a few weeks of chatting through AIM with my screename epzslimjim, it was official, I was going to go to a Bay View dance. All my new friends were so incredibly jealous. In the week leading up to the dance, I was a legend around Martin Middle School. I was like the Ferris Bueller of the school. I was so anxious. Granted I had never seen this girl, and only had the image of a Barbie doll to work with, but this was still exciting to me. Finally, Friday night came around, and it was showtime.

After learning that a corsage is a flower, I went and put on the nicest shirt I had, since it was semi-formal. I'm pretty sure if I owned that same shirt now and wore it, people would make fun of me, but at the time it was decent. I then anxiously waited for Meg to have her Mom pick me up. There I was, looking spiffy in my green button up shirt and khakis holding a corsage when the doorbell rang. I can honestly say that I was very nervous. I didn't know what was going to walk through my front door, but when my Mom opened it, my jaw dropped. Meg was by far the most beautiful 13 year old I had ever laid eyes on. All the girls in my middle school were somewhat hip/hop wannabes who looked up to three people: J.Lo, Britney Spears and Lil' Kim. Not to say they were horrible people or anything, but there wasn't anyone like Meg at my school. She was classy and tall and blonde and just stunningly beautiful. When I first saw her I could only think of doing this. I felt like I had won the lottery. After posing for some pictures in which I look very awkward, we were on the way. Oh, and for the record, I would most certainly post the picture on the blog if I had one, and if I do come across one, I'll post it.

The dance was a great time. They served food, I met a lot of Meg's friends who I don't remember, and I had made it into the Mecca of East Providence. I danced with the most beautiful girl I had seen in person, and at one point, some weirdo came by as we were slow dancing, took my hand and slapped Meg's rear end with it. Thankfully, Meg told me this girl was a weirdo and wasn't blaming me for it. I had the time of my life on my first date, and as her Mom drove us to the Newport Creamery for ice cream, I realized that this was the best first date anyone could possibly have.

I'm bringing up this first date mainly because Meg asked me to blog about it, but more importantly to help you, the reader. It goes to show that when it comes to dating girls, you have to start out somewhere, and this start is with your first date. Now I know this may not be the best example, because my first date was simply amazing and the best night ever. I'm not saying that you have to have a night nearly as good as mine, but just having a first date will help. The only other advice I have for you guys is to grow out the flow. Let your hair rage, make it look good, then let the ladies come to you. To be honest, growing out your hair is the only real advice I have for you, now that I think of it. I mean, I guess it's alright to be nice, chew with your mouth closed and show the lovely lady a great time, but the main point is to have a nice flow.

As for myself and Meg, we've remained friends throughout high school and here at Providence College. Each time I see her at a party or something I always bring up the greatest night of my life. So thank you Meg. Thank you for making my first date the greatest one in the history of mankind. You deserve this shoutout. As for relationships go, I've had some good ones, and one awful one which wasted almost 2 years of my life, but hey, you win some you lose some. So gentlemen who asked me for advice, all I can say is grow hair, be courteous, and aim to have a first date half as great as mine.

One other thing just to say, is next week I will FINALLY post Tom Silva's blog. This is filled with controversy and ungodly things. The conversations in this blog are just inhumane. I may regret actually posting it, but just place the blame on him. It will be one of the most corrupt, awful and sickening things you will ever read.

Welp, See ya later.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Fast Times at Facebook High

After I left my laptop open in my dorm at 12:42 on October 15th, my roommate Matt Rizzini decided to change my status on facebook to "Jim Kirwan i says wat i wants and if u's dnt lik it, we gut problemz and muh boiz gon fuc haterz up if haterz keep runnin deir moufs". Upon further inspection, I realized that statuses have become a staple of our lives. I had some great feedback to that tainted status, Kristen Conners liked it, and I had three different people comment it, including Cat Crimmins who told me to 'ride or die'. This status harassment gave me a great idea however: make a status to think of a new blogpost. The response to this status was overwhelming. At 1:07 on October 15th, "Jim Kirwan whoever responds to this question will get a shoutout in the next blog: what topic should I blog about next?" was written for the whole facebook community to see. I had the type of response I could only dream about. Some whiney dork kid asked for it to be about him, two people asked for the Bruins, one person about famous white centers of basketball, such as Goerge Mikan ( I think you meant George Mikan), but most importantly, stupid facebook statuses and endless facebook photo albums. Since I am a man of my word, I hereby give shoutouts to Fordham's Christina Curran and DePaul University's Andrew "Danger" Chace (the kid on the right, or my left, in the picture with the title of the blog) for making a combination idea to blog about.

SO what I've decided to do is take actual facebook statuses that I have deemed 'stupid' and will discuss the various forms of pictures most girls take on facebook. To protect people from getting mad at me, I will change everyone's name to So and So, basically so no one can get me for slander. Let's go.

So and so anyone wanna go to the dentist for me today? - No.

So and so waking up because school makes me. - Alright. So if school didn't wake you up, what would? Your mother?

So and so cant sleep...maybe ill count tom brady's TD passes tonight instead of counting sheep. - Alright I can't make fun of this status, it's a pretty good idea.

So and so is not a widget. - Maybe you're not a widget, but this is a widget according to google images.

So and so Okay, so first of all! Michael Myers COULD BE real! And! There are definitely clowns that live under your bed that WILL eat your toes in your sleep if you let them hang over the edge of your bed. DON'T DOUBT IT! - Yeah, I know Michael Myers is real, he played Austin Powers and even starred in Wayne's World 2. Clowns are scary and I'm sorry to hear about your lack of toes, but what are you doing letting them hang over the edge of your bed?

So and so Fml....smh! Boy o boy I tell u. - Thanks. Now I can sleep at night.

So and so omg so and so just farted on me in his sleep. About time to pee on him. - Please don't. Thats unsanitary.

So and so took a shower without flip flops! - W0W! Did you teach yourself that?

So and so Giants lets get it. - Yep. They got it alright.

So and so FUCKING BINGO! - I wish I could get that excited for something along the lines of bingo.

Danny Allen knows nothing of health care reform. Do you? - No.

So and so fort. - Makes sense to me.

So and so just spent 5 hours in traffic f#$k me right? - Good luck with that. Do you really think girls will do that to you just because you spent 5 hours in traffic?

So and so is wicked sick and can't stop coughing. - Informative, now I know if I see you to stay away from you. Just goes to show that statuses can be useful sometimes.

So and so Is in class... I think putting my head down on the book and letting osmosis kick in is the only way I'm going to understand his garbageeee. - You spelled garbage wrong.

So and so lovin my bitties in 315. - So do I ;-)

So and so I want a friggin sea turtle!!!... someone find one so i can have one. - Yeah I'm on it. But only if I find one for myself first.

So and so who killed hip hop? - My money is on Chingy.

So and so class then taking a serious napopotamus. - Really? A napopotamus? I hope those are on the endangered species list. (P.S. Thank you to Steve Sheridan for showing me this one).

Aright, time for pictures. Now anyone who has a facebook knows that some girls just have endless albums. I'm talking about like albums with 100+ pictures. I'd say the good majority of these albums consist of the person and two friends posing in clothes they are trying on, with different faces in each picture and then later making comments on those pictures about "ew, OMG take this down!!!!". The most common pictures are the infamous "Myspace mirror shot", the always clever "Hand on hip/arched back shot" and the "Look at me dammit shot". These are current staples of facebook albums. Girls think they're soooo h0t in their shiny high heels and highwaisted skirts, with random belts that arent even belts to hold up their shirts (aren't belts used for pants?), dresses that you can't wear to prom but can wear to bars, new hairdo's and leggings. Don't forget about Uggs. Never ever underestimate Uggs.

So once again, thank you to Christina and Andrew, it's people like you who give me great ideas when I can't think of anything and help this blog happen.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Predicting the Future

Some people predict teams to make it to a championship. Some people turn to Miss Cleo for predictions of their lives. Weathermen predict the weather. I'm going to predict the near future for everyone. For this blog, I shall be referred to as The Great Jimbabwae (like Zimbabwe).

First off, the next big celebrity to die will be either Hugh Hefner, Amy Winehouse, or Kanye West.

In 2014, Kill Bill Vol. 3 will come out.

Michael Vick will end up starting a game this year for the Eagles. My guess is week 15. He'll have a rushing touchdown, 1 interception and 1 passing TD.

The World Series champions will be the Los Angeles Dodgers, defeating the Yankees in 6 games.
Manny Ramirez will be the MVP, and then sign with the Yankees when his contract is up.

Miley Cyrus will pose in a magazine scatily clad, wearing nothing but the American flag to promote 'Party in the U.S.A.' and be in the tabloids for a solid 3 weeks over it.

John Madden will make a surprise return to the commentator's booth for either a Thanksgiving day game or a Monday night game.

I will be Heath Ledger's character from Brokeback Mountain for Halloween.

Steve from Blue's Clues will marry Drew Barrymore and no one will care.

The Providence College men's basketball team will defeat URI in one of the worst games ever known to man. Unfortunately, these are the two best basketball teams in the state of Rhode Island and will get plenty of coverage.

The Backstreet Boys will go on tour with *Nsync (minus Justin Timberlake) and 98 Degrees in 2011.

The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series in 2014, but a scandal similiar to the Chicago Black Sox in 1909 will occur and they will be stripped of the championship. They won't win the world series again until 2238.

Harrison Ford will NOT make another Indiana Jones.

Madonna will make out with Lady GaGa at next year's VMA's.

Walmart will one day rule the world.

Mortal Kombat will be made for Nintendo Wii and will become the highest selling game of all time.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers will release an album in 2010.

North Dakota and South Dakota will merge in 2050 and become 'Dakota'. No one will care.

Guam will declare war on Peru. No one will care.

By 2034, the world will go a full year without one action figure being sold. Kids will not care about wrestling figures, G.I. Joes, nor Ken dolls. They will only care about computers/video games.

Someone will die driving a Smartcar by the end of 2009 and people will finally start to realize that they are driving a box of death on wheels.

Tom Brady and Gisele's son will be the greatest quarterback of all time.

Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan's son will be the greatest wide receiver of all time.

Both of Tom Brady's sons will play for the Washington Redskins, who will win 5 straight superbowls in the 30's. (meaning the 2030's).

This year's final four will be Kansas, Duke, North Carolina and the Cinderella story team of the year: UConn.

Jim and Pam Halpert will not get divorced.

I'm giving it between 3-5 years until people realize that there is actually cocaine in Red Bull.

Remember the kid with glasses from Stuart Little? He'll be very very rich in the near future.

Big Foot will be found in Nashville, TN in March of 2013.

That 2012 myth the Aztecs created about the world ending will prove to be false. Nothing will happen.

The Titanic will one day disintegrate.

This blog will hit 1000 visitors by Christmas.

Alright that's about it for now. I have nothing else to really predict, or at least nothing worth predicting. Hopefully some of these will come true, and hopefully some things won't come true, like Furbies becoming popular again. Oh well. Enjoy gang.

Welp, see ya later.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Sweet Chin Music

Patrick Swayze died. So this blog will be dedicated to dancing in a way. Here are my top 20 most influential bands of all time. I know this guy may have been very influential, but he isn't a band, so don't worry, he's still dead and will not be resurrected in this list. This list was composed by myself and Matt Rizzini, so a lot of this credit goes to him, a wonderful friend and an even better list picker numberer guy. Let's get to work.

20. Asher Roth - What a long lived career. You want potential? I'll show you potential. This guy/band/rapper made his career on stating the obvious. Yes. He loved college. Most people do. Was "I Love College" a funny/witty song the first two or three times the world heard it? Yes. Is "I Love College" now a song that only the loner/tool/wannabe guido kids blast in their crappy souped up cars down main streets all over the country? Yes. Way to go Asher, if that's even your real name.

19. Paramore - I have to give them credit. This band is one of those bands that successfully became a "I actually do like them but I can't tell anyone, maybe I should change the band name on my ipod so my friends don't see it on there under artists". I call shenanigans on this. Paramore is good. Tell me that 'Misery Business" isn't a good song and I'll tell you that you're wrong. Everyone knows they know all the words, don't even get me started on 'Crushcrushcrush' and 'That's What You Get'. WhoooooaaaaaaoooohhhhhhhhhhhOhhhhhohhhhhoooooohhhhhhhhh. P.S. The leadsinger is one of my favorite redheads of all time, besides Wade Zawatsky (you'll be hearing more of him later).

18. Yael Naim - Warning, listen to the first 30 seconds of this song and you will have it stuck in your head for the next 3 weeks. That's impressive.

17. Journey - I think Journey is underrated. 'Don't Stop Believing' is probably one of the most influential songs ever. Just look at it's title. Don't. Stop. Believing. Can that be any more influencing? Although they may have broken up, generations upon generations are touched by the smell of wine and cheap perfume. It also helps to have hair like this while you're in your prime.

16. Panic! At the Disco - It's rare to have an exclamation point in the middle of your name. It's also more rare to breakup but keep on touring with blink-182 when your band consists of a lead singer and a drummer. It's also weird to start of a song with the lyrics "what a beautiful wedding", when its called 'I Write Sins Not Tragedies'. Everything about this band is weird, from ripping off Fall Out Boy to just looking like women.

15. The White Stripes - This is legit, because the White Stripes truly are a great band. The reason why they are influential however is because they fooled the world. No one knew what they were. Brother and sister? I don't know. Husband and wife? I don't know. Father and daughter? Maybe. Since I love rumours as much as Hans Landa does, I'll tell you the truth. They were married and then got divorced, but kept the band going, thank god.

14. Fountains of Wayne - Influential because for a solid two years, for me it was during the 7th and 8th grade, this band made every girl in the country named Stacy want to commit suicide.

13. Cobra Starship - Influential because they started out as a complete joke, sort of like what they wear. They right songs about being the hottest stuff out since tobasco, and they actually became popular. Look at them now. Cracked the itunes top 10 songs of the week with a song about good girls going bad. They went from a complete joke to partying with Leighton Meester. Living the American dream.

12. Kid Rock - Can anyone else do rock/rap better than Kid Rock? Makes a song entitled 'Bawitdaba' and all of a sudden he's hooking up with Pam Anderson. Sorta like Tommy Lee. Well anyways, he coined himself the "American Bad Ass" and I think it's true. I'm leaving out his new side which is mostly country. But nonetheless, he is still influential. Having self confidence is great. Being called an American Bad Ass because you wrote a song about it is even better.

11. Eminem - The great white hope. The man disses everyone including his own mother, and he doesn't even get grounded. If I even thought about thinking about dissing Mama Kirwan I'd get booted from my house. This man is nuts. Sure he hasn't done much recently besides that music video that got Mariah Carey mad, but still, he gives white people a chance to dream. Watch, white people will start taking over the rap business, then the NBA, then the NFL, then the NHL. Actually, I think we're fine with the NHL. Nevermind.

10. Lemon Lime Tennis Shoes - Wade Zawatsky, this is for you. I met Wade when I was a freshmen at East Providence High School. At the time he was in a band called Lemon Lime Tennis Shoes. After befriending him and having a class with him two years later, I finally asked him why they are called what they are called and his response was, "Well, basically the lead singer and the guitarist looked around one day when thinking about a band name and saw a can of sprite and sneakers. He then said, let's be Lemon Lime Tennis Shoes". LLTS is the greatest band to ever come out of the great state of Rhode Island. If they can make it somewhat big with a name like this, anyone can. Influential my friends, influential. Thank you Wade. (BTW, Wade is the red headed stepchild who can be seen in the picture barely visible behind the lead singer).

9. Hanson - How many other bands of three prepubescent brothers do you know can go out and write a song that has too many consonants in it? MMMBop. What did girls see in these guys in the mid 90's? I don't know either.

8. Limp Bizkit - Ahhhhhh Fred Durst. What a guy. Dropping hit after his like "Give Me Stuff To Break" and "Rollin'". The Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water is still to this day one of my favorite album titles of all time. Rap and rock may not always go together but Fred Durst made it work. To tell you the truth, looking upon it now, I really can't tell you what one of their songs were about. Love? Prosperity? Oh well, it doesn't matter.

7. Mysto and Pizzi - I know, you haven't heard of them. But, have you heard them? You sure have. Do you remember when? Probably not until you remember when it was right here. Maybe you've even seen them, because they've seen you.

6. Yellowcard - Inspiring electric violinists all across the world so actually do something with a talent most kids complain about learning. 'Ocean Avenue' was such a hit during the 8th grade and freshmen year. It is the ultimate summer song. It only takes me one finger to count the number of songs I know with a violin solo in it. And it is by Yellowcard. Yay Yellowcard.

5. Gorillaz - A band of cartoons. Brilliant. How come no one thought of this before? Sure maybe Josie and the Pussy Cats were kind of there, but did they ever have a number 1 billboard hit? Nope. The Gorillaz sure did. By the way, years later, I was shocked to learn that basically the Gorillaz were created by Blur, which is the band behind this hit. Now it makes sense. Almost the same exact voice in both bands. You learn something new every day now don't you kids?

4. Hawthorne Heights - Emo. Great hair. That's about it to describe them. It may be true that "Ohio is For Lovers" is there only known song, but just take a look at some of the lyrics. "So cut my wrist and black my eyes/so I can fall asleep tonight, and die". Doesn't that brighten up your day? If there is one band that can just ruin a day, it's probably Double H. The one thing I always wondered about them was what made them so upset? I just can't grasp what could possibly make them so sad and depressing.

3. Taking Back Sunday/Brand New - Don't get me wrong. I love both TBS and Brand New a lot. I do appreciate their old stuff when they were whining about girls and feuding with each other. 'Cute Without the E' and 'Seventy Times 7' are probably two of my favorite songs of all time, and basically they are about cheating, and having your girlfriend cheat on you with your best friend, respectivly. I don't know what that says about myself personally, maybe I have some problems. But these bands have developed from emo to legit bands now. I will admit I'm not crazy about Brand New's new cd 'Daisy' but I do understand that they want to grow and experiment with different things. Taking Back Sunday live is an experiment that everyone on this planet should consider doing. Having a whole House of Blues singing every lyric to every song for a whole night like what happened in Boston this past June was an experience I'll never forget. Influential for me? Yes.

2. Eddie Money - 'Take Me Home Tonight'. If anyone sees me out and about at a party, or anywhere for that matter, and blasts this song before I do, I will personally buy you a drink. I consider this a challenge for all you people reading this blog. Just try to play Eddie Money before I do at a party. Try me. Eddie Money was a former cop named Eddie Mahoney. Clever to take out the 'ah' in your last name and christen yourself Eddie Money. Ah. Words can't describe 'Take Me Home Tonight'. Each time I hear it I get chills down my spine. What a guy.

1. Sonseed - There really is no comparision when it comes to Jesus and music. I'm not going to go any further. All you have to do is listen to the words Sonseed says in this video, and you will know why they are the most influential band of all time.

So that's about that. I do want to add one more exciting thing. In addition to myself, Matt and Matt, we now have a fourth roommate. I now will grace all of you with Marvin the Moonman (aka the Cox communications guy). This is going to be a swell year.