Wednesday, March 24, 2010

It's the Most Stressful Time of the Year

March. What an interesting month. The depressing months of winter are starting to wane, we catch a few glimpses of Spring, fantasy baseball drafts start, the Ides of March is celebrated (?), St. Pat and Joe are celebrated, it's an alright time of the year, until March Madness hits. Every year, the NCAA basketball tournament causes more stress than Finals week, Midterms week and Shark week combined. This year has been the quite possibly the worst year for brackets ever in the history of brackets. It's been so bad that I've spent the past week and a half watching all the Harry Potter movies with Sean Mottola and Ryan Urkiel. It seems that only some autistic kid has a perfect bracket so far (according this this article), which is impressive, but you gotta imagine that it's mostly luck. This March has been incredibly depressing, and you can blame it on St. Mary's, Murray St., Northern Iowa, Cornell, Old Dominion, and Ohio University. These schools have made me a very sad young man, and I hope all these schools comedown with horrible luck in the next few months for the stress they've endured me. I didn't even bet any money on brackets this year, but my current bracket is so embarassing, awful, miserable, disappointing, ugly and bamboozled that it hurts my pride to even take a gander at it. So since this is the case, let me give you pointers when picking a bracket.

When Picking the First Round: Always take Gonzaga, Michigan St. and whoever the four #1 seeds are. These could be your only safe bets. Why Gonzaga and Michigan State in particular? They always win in the first round. That's why. No if's and's or but's about it. I started picking Gonzaga in the first round when I was like 7 simply because I liked the name of the school, and I've done it ever since. And you know what? It's paid off each year. I couldn't tell you what state Gonzaga is in, if it's Gonzaga University, Gonzaga College or The University of Gonzaga College, and I only recently found out that their mascot is the Bulldog. Michigan State just always wins in the first round, so pick them too. Oh, and as many upsets as there may have been in the history of March Madness, a 16 seed will never beat a number 1, and I'll bet anyone on that. As for the rest of the first round, just pick whatever you want.

When Picking the Second Round: Always. Always. And I mean always go with the odd number seeds if it's a matchup between an odd and an even seed. Don't question it. I have finally learned that this is the case. Think that #1 seed Duke had trouble with #8 California? Nope. Not at all. You know why? Odds always prevail over evens in the 2nd round, and that is just a pure fact. Now I know what you'll be asking next, what about the matchups that have 2 odd numbered seeds playing and the matchups with 2 even number seeds playing. This is simple. Guess. Don't think, just go with the first team that comes to mind. It's like choosing vanilla or chocolate, you may choose differently at different times, but if you had to choose one at that exact moment what would you pick? Apply this to one of these matchups, say between #5 Butler and #13 Murray State. Which do you favor at this point? Butler sounds like butter, which you like with your popcorn, so why not choose Butler? Good choice my friend, because Butler went on to win that matchup, and you won because of your gut.

When Picking the Third Round: Always pick the team with the more fierce mascot, no exceptions. Let's quickly go over this from the remaining teams in the bracket: Spartans will poach the Panthers, a Buckeye will beat any Volunteer any day of the week, a group of Orangemen will train the Bulldogs, Xavier will beat the Wildcats of Kansas State because they have two mascots according to Wikipedia (a Muskateer and a Blue Blob), The Baylor Bears will claw at the Gaels of St. Mary's, a Blue Devil will never lose to a Boilermaker, sort of like how a Moutaineer will never lose to a husky, and finally, in the toughest matchup of the Sweet Sixteen, the Cornell Big Red Bear will defeat the Kentucky Wildcat. Call me crazy, but it'll happen.

When Picking the Rest of Your Bracket: As of now because of my advice, we have Michigan State versus Ohio State, Xavier versus Syracuse, Baylor versus Duke and West Virginia verse Cornell. We're talking the Elite 8 here people, so we're getting down to brass tacks. If you're still reading by this point, you are lucky because you are about to become you're bracket champion (if you started choosing after the 2nd round). In the Elite 8, choose the team who's letter comes last in the matchup. Ohio State will beat Michigan State, Xavier will beat Syracuse, Duke will beat Baylor and West Virginia will beat Cornell. You're welcome. The final four is now pretty difficult. Keep in mind that it is being held in Indy, so obviously Ohio State will defeat Xavier by 12 points. The harder matchup is Duke against West Virginia. Hmmm. I am actually perplexed by this matchup, but I've made my decision. West Virginia. Why? I have no idea.

This now leads to the National Championship between Ohio State and West Virginia. Both teams are good, but only one can be best. On Ohio State, you have Evan "The Villain" Turner and Mark "The Shark" Titus, easily the best 1-2 punch in all of College Basketball, and on West Virginia you have some dude named Lazar Hayward and Coach Bob "Huggy Bear" Huggins. Would you have the guts to go against a man who goes by Huggy Bear and the only person on earth named Lazar? I would. Ohio State will win by 5 points in a close game that may or may not be televised. You're welcome, I hope to get a share of your winnings due to my intellect and great prediction making. Hope your March just got a little less stressful.

First off, I would like to say that the fallout from the Bro blog was devastating, and now more and more people are thinking of Bro names for famous people. Just the other day my group of friends came up with Edgar Allen Bro, Broah's Ark, Chan Bro Park, Han Brolo, Broda, C3PBro, and President WoodBro Wilson. Secondly, I would like to send a huge shoutout to the lovely Jenna Borkoski, or BROkoski if you want, for giving me the idea to blog about March Madness. It might be crazy that I've had consecutive shoutouts to Barrington girls, but at least Jenna actually earned it with a good blog topic. Lastly, I'm still taking ideas for the T-shirt, because Danny and I want to get them out soon, if anyone is interested just leave a comment (with your name if you want a free shirt) on my facebook or in the comment section below.

Forever yours,

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Bromeo and Juliette

Bros. Bros are some of the most interesting people in the world, mostly because we can't figure them out. Nowadays every guy calls their friends "Bro", which is acceptable, but there is a fine line between calling someone a Bro, and an actual Bro. After reading this post, you should be able to 1) Identify a Bro. 2) Learn what Bros like. C) Learn the Bro Culture and 4) Learn to dress like a Bro if you wish. I first witnessed an incredible Bro-gathering at Gillette Staidum in Foxboro Massachusetts two summers ago for the NCAA Lacross Final Four. It was unreal seeing so many Bros in such a little time. Last year, I went to the Final Four again in Foxboro, and there were even more Bros. Bros are slowly taking over the world, so get prepared. Alright class, let's get into it shall we?

Identifying a Bro/Bro Fashion

It is not hard to spot a Bro in public. 94.1 percent of Bros either play, live for, or are fans of Lacrosse, which is the ultimate Bro sport. Growing up on the mean streets of East Providence where lacrosse was relatively new, I only played with maybe 3 lax Bros during my 3 years of high school ball. Bros love to wear sunglasses and backwards baseball hats with a crisp flat brim, mainly MLB teams that they do not root for and came name about 4 players on the roster. I do approve of Bro hair, which consists of the Flow, which I so lovingly have rocked in the past and mentioned numerous times in past blogposts. Bros refer to having long, shaggy hair as "letting the lettuce rage" which may or may not make sense. As for clothing, Bros live and breath in Lacrosse pinnies, if you don't know what I'm talking about, think of those crappy reversible baseketball jerseys you would wear to practice for your local CYO. If it is cold out, you can see a Bro wearing a fresh windbreaker/pullover that all high school and prep school lacrosse players get. You know what I'm talking about here, the half zipper and the pouch in the front, team name with a pair of intersecting lax sticks on the right breast of the jacket, name and number on a sleeve, and then on the back of it says "(Your school's mascot) Lacrosse". Bros don't care for jeans, so they wear either dark heather gray sweatpants, pastel shorts or lacrosse shorts, hopefully with pockets. If the shorts are present, you can bet on midcalf socks with bro-sandals, if not then boat shoes or some sort of Nikes. You could also just look at this picture of a couple of Bros:

Bro Music

Bros for the most part like songs that everybody likes, such as mainstream rap that is popular for 2 months and then is never heard for a while. These types of songs are played 3 years after their fame and people react with a "Oh my lord what happened to this guy?", think J-Kwon, Chingy, and Hurricane Chris (A Bay Bay). Besides mainstream rap, there are plenty of happy, poppy rock music that Bros love. The Lord Bros when it comes to music are Dave Matthews, Jack Johnson, John Mayer, and O.A.R. (or as they are often referred to, BRO.A.R.). Other musicians that Bros like include Vampire Weekend, Smash Mouth, Ben Folds Five, Barenaked Ladies, Beastie Boys, Third Eye Blind, The Kooks, blink-182, MGMT, Mickey Avalon, Modest Mouse, Kings of Leon, Pearl Jam, Oasis, Passion Pit, owl city, Phoenix, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Lemon Lime Tennis Shoes, Aerosmith, Semisonic, Silversun Pickups, Weezer, The Strokes, The White Stripes, GirlTalk, Super Mash Bros, Sugar Ray, Incubus, Jack's Mannequin, Maroon 5, Phantom Planet, Rooney, The Shins, Sublime, 311, Kid Cudi, U2, that one Asher Roth song about college or something, and any other 80's band that everyone knows the words to. (Special thanks to Sean Mottola, Steve Sheridan, Frank "The Tank" Gassert, and Matt Rizzini for helping me with this extensive list).

Things Bros Like

Sean Mottola is telling me that Bros like "Beer, babes, and boobs", which I can't disagree with, Bros thrive on those things. Bros prefer cheap beer rather than good quality stuff, so for argument's sake we'll go with Keystone Light, Natty Light, maybe PBR, Beast Light and Busch Light. Bros love sports, especially Lax, College basketball, football, curling, and Olympic Hockey. Bros also like collared shirts when they're not wearing lax pinnies. Also thirft store tshirts simply because they are random. Bros like Adam Sandler pre-2009. Bros like to hang with other Bros and discuss stoner films and hot chicks. Bros like HBO series, especially shows like Entourage and maybe even Band of Brothers. Bros also like Nantucket, or any other island that they can Bro-Chill. Dizzy bat races. Will Smith is one of the most popular people according to Bros, and to be honest it is mostly because of Gettin Jiggy Wit It and because of some show called Fresh Prince. Bros like country clubs, because most were raised with a membership to one somewhere. Bros like to talk about childhood memories involving either The Rock or Stone Cold Steve Austin, and maybe the Undertaker. Bros love pastels, turf dogs and throwback basketball jerseys. Bros also love tailgating and "ghostriding" the whip.

Bro Language

Bros call many things by different words. If you hear a Bro call someone a "Slampiece", he is referring to a beautiful woman. A female Bro is known as a Bra, not to be confused with a certain article of female clothing also known as undergarments or even bloomers. Bros refer to passing something as "dishing the rock", and love to make puns on things. Ever since the Bro culture has skyrocketed, it has come to my attention that you can put Bro into everyday language quite frequently, mainly with names. A great site to see this in action is, where such names include Brosef Stalin, Alex Brovechkin, Greg Brostertag, Bro Namath, Napoleon Bronaparte, Bro Mauer, Bromar Garciaparra, Bro Vaughn, BrochoCinco, Broseidon Lord of the Brocean, Bro J. Simpson, Ichibro, GI Bro, Lamar Brodom, Bro Flacco, Tony Bromo, Tim Tebro, Bro Dimaggio, President Brobama, Bro Montana, Brohan Santana, and my personal favorite, Brose Canseco. The list goes on and on. It's amazing how often I've been thinking of putting Bro into everyday language, for instance, at dinner the other night I actually called my baked potato and baked BROtato. Bros are slowly taking over the world with Bro terms and Brotastic language.

I have some worthy shoutouts to give. First off, I would like to send a formal shoutout to Christiana Marra and Brenna Rock for a great night at URI last weekend at the 1980's party. Next off, Taylor Cotter for putting a quote from the last blog into her facebook quotes section, which means that I have actually made an influence on another person's facebook, so I can check that off my to-do list. Lastly, Katie Parella for being a true Bra and telling me how much she enjoys the Ultimate Lax Bro video and was so enthusiastic about getting the Word of Bro out on the blog, so I thank you for your support and good ideas, hope I didn't disappoint. I would also like to give a special thanks to Ryan "Bro Cool" Urkiel, Steve "Bro Dude" Sheridan, Sean "Raging Bro" Mottola, Matt "Rat Bro" Rizzini. For more information on Bros, you can visit,, and search Ultimate Lax Bro on youtube, so you can find out the lifestory of Brantford Winstonworth. Remember, life is short, so don't be a Bro Hater.

Bronas Kirwan