Tuesday, May 25, 2010

You're So Last Summer

I've been struggling with a good blog topic all week. So in the spirit of summer and lack of questions from the anonymous person who asks me weird questions, I've just decided to do my top 10 list of things to do in the summer.

10. Mourn the Loss of 24- Tonight marked the end of an era. Jack Bauer has been saving the world from terrorists for years. He lost his wife, his relationship with his daughter for an extended period of time, all his friends, a social life, sobriety, and his soul over the course of the 8 seasons he's been kicking ass and killing people. I've learned from Jack Bauer that you can kill a Russian delegate with a fire poker and feel no remorse if you want revenge so badly. Jack taught me how important freedom is and how other countries shouldn't be jealous of the USA, they should instead try to become similar to us. Jack Bauer is a true patriot. He helped saved America both in real life and on TV. For instance, since 24 first aired, there hasn't been a terrorist attack on US soil. Jack Bauer is a hero, and the end of 24 is a damn shame. This summer I'll be rewatching old seasons of 24 and start collecting Jack Bauer action figures just to have something to hold on to.

9. Convince Matt Rizzini to Take Me to the Red Sox/Dodgers Game- Honestly, this is a true test of friendship and I'm calling you out. You know the Dodgers are my NL team and have been for a while.

8. Get Breakfast at Jimothy's Tshirts Made- I realize I've been talking about this for a while now since the goal was to make tshirts when the blog hit 5,000 visitors. We're almost at 7,000 now and still no tshirt. I need a good logo idea for the tshirts. Honestly, if you have any good ideas, just leave a comment on this page. I am very serious about getting tshirts made and selling them, so if you have any ideas for a design just tell me. If your idea sucks then I'll probably just laugh in your face or make fun of you with an anti-shoutout. I'll even give a free tshirt to the person who gives me the best design.

7. Finish the Greatest Movie Ever- Last summer, my friends and I decided to make our own movie. We had been watching a ton of b-level movies from the 70's last summer, so we figured that these movies were so bad, why not make our own? It's not like we could do any worse. Right now, the script is near completion, and in case you were wondering everyone dies. Seriously, nothing says summer like filming a movie with friends where everyone dies somehow. It'll be a romantic comedy slasher film. I'd like to think of it as a lovechild birthed from I Know What You Did Last Summer, Pulp Fiction, and Love and Basketball. Needless to say, there will be blood, 80's love songs, and witty dialogue.

6. Defeat BrickBreaker- I'll be honest, I only wanted a Blackberry so that I can play BrickBreaker. I couldn't care less about it being a smartphone and BBMing and all that other crap. Only Brickbreaker. My goal is to beat the world record, which according to google is 5,678,910. My current high score is around 24,000. I just realize I have no shot at this whatsoever.

5. Convince a Total Stranger to Take Me Out on a Date- I mean why not? It'll be a challenge to get a girl I've never met before to take me out on a date, but why not give it a shot? If I'm successful it doesn't really matter how successful the date is, the bottom line is that I'll be getting dinner for free. If you have any girls you'd like to nominate for me to get them to take me out on a date (I think that makes sense), feel free to tell them about the contest. The first girl to take me out on a date will get a shoutout and a free tshirt later down the road. If we really hit it off and I marry the girl, then I will give whoever referred me to her the rights to name our first child, and more importantly, a shoutout. This will be an interesting contest which will most likely get me nowhere the more I think about it.

4. Start a Dog Search Team- Let me tell you about my dog Juneau. He's partiallyblind, diabetic and has a low thyroid problem. He's afraid of his own shadow and hasn't barked in about 3 years. He is one of the strangest and unsociable dogs ever. This past weekend, Jueanu escaped my house and ran like the dickens. Myself, Kyle "Get'Em" Towne and Ryan "Yeah" Sullivan caught the little buggar after chasing him through a field, numerous backyards and through a swamp. It may have taken us from 12:30-1:45 in the morning, but it was one of our most impressive feats. It's not easy catching a quick Siberian Husky in the dark while trespassing on peoples property with one flashlight and a few cell phones. This summer we will open our own business for people who lose their dogs. We shall call ourselves 'Team Pup N' Suds'. I thought of it myself and it has a nice ring to it. You lose them, we find them. We're like human lost and found boxes, only the lost are the dogs...and we make them found.

3. Summer Concerts- Ah yes. So many memories for so many people occur at summer concerts. I know since most of you who read this are my age, that you are probably saying "Oh man, can't wait to see you at Dave on Friday right Jim!?" False. I hate Dave Matthews. I'll be attending Taking Back Sunday in June and have a good time instead of seeing Dave Matthews look stoned and act cheery on Friday. Also, 311 and The Offspring are touring this summer, and The Offspring is just one of those bands that have been around forever and everybody likes. 311 is the only rap/rock group who I still have respect for these days (only because Limp Bizkit hasn't done anything since I was in the 6th grade). Basically, when we're older we can look back on our summer concerts. Our parents had Blue Oyster Cult, The Rolling Stones and David Bowie. We will have Lady GaGa, Lil Wayne and Paramore. Dammit our generation is screwed up.

2. Go to Chicago and Make Ferris Bueller Proud- Myself and the two Rizzini brothers are visiting Andrew "Danger" Chace in the city of wind. Since the greatest 80's movie of all time took place in Chicago, you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll be trying to reenact every scene. I can promise you that the 4 of us will at least take one picture of ourselves posing at the Chicago Institute of Art similar to this picture. My main focus when we see the Cubs play the White Sox is to catch a foul ball by any means necessary, and if by some miracle there is a parade in Chicago, no matter how big or small it is, I swear to you all that I will try my hardest to get on a float and reenact the twist and shout scene. I will also attempt to get into a French restaurant under a reservation for Abe Frohman "Sausage King of Chicago". God, I'm excited already. Bring on Chitown. And go Blackhawks.

1. Find A Way To Leave My Mark on Providence College- I have one very good idea in mind for me to become a legend at Providence College. You can't miss the easy way out by donating money to get a building named after you, like Feinstein, Phillips, St. Thomas Aquinas and McDermott all did, but I have a more meaningful way to always have a piece of me at PC--End Parietals. For you people who do not know, we at Providence College are not allowed to have members of the opposite sex in our rooms past a certain time (midnight Sun-Thurs and 2 am Fri-Sat). If we get caught we get written up and have to pay the school more money for no reason then we already should. Basically what I'm going to start doing this summer is raise money. I'm going to raise $5 million to donate to the school at some point in my life. The catch is, Providence College has to end parietals and they have to erect a statue of me, or else they won't get a cent. Now it is common knowledge that PC loves money more than anything, so they will be chomping at the bit for a $5 million donation. Do you really think they would keep parietals around if I told them to end it and hand over a hefty check? Doubtful. Then, because I would be the cause of death for parietals, the students should be so thankful that they build a monument to me. I'll save them the trouble and just ask the school to make a statue of me, preferably with my right eyebrow raised and looking thoughtful, with a plaque below me saying "James M. Kirwan- The Man Who Killed Parietals". I haven't figured out how I'm going to get $5 million, but this summer I'll find a way. Dear Providence College, You're Welcome.

Shoutouts shoutouts shoutouts. First of all to Haley Cook and Megan Quigley for convincing me at 1:30 this morning that this will be the greatest summer of all time. I couldn't agree more. Secondly, to Wade "Donald Trumpet" Zawatsky and Christen Cadigan for being my two favorite gingers ever. Lastly, please feel free to submit ideas for the tshirt. I'm serious about this and anything would be appreciated. Just leave a comment below.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

What The Hell? Part II

Alright so if you remember back in January, some weirdo asked me a series of questions that sort of spooked me out. Because I can never turn down a fan(?), I answered the questions as best as I could. I'll admit I thought this was a one time thing. I was wrong. This person left this comment last night on the blog about Civ. Everything he/she said and asks will be in italics, and I will again answer these questions to the best of my ability.

Hello Jimothy, it is I again. I will be the first to tell you that you responded very well to my questions in the comment I posted back in January. I've decided it's been long enough so I'm giving you some more questions to tackle. I'm still going to remain anonymous just because it probably bothers you not knowing who it is. Shall we begin?

What color is your room painted?
Red, the same color as blood.

Have you ever called the number 867-5309 and ask for Jenny?
I have called it, unfortunately instead of Jenny I got GEM Plumbing. When I asked for Jenny they told me I wasn't funny and hung up.

If you could go back into any decade and have any job what would it be?
Good question, I'd go back to the 1960's and become an International Man of Mystery.

What are your thoughts on the fact that the PC basketball team likes to beat up their fans?
They were just taking out their frustrations on a guy because they realized they sucked and had no future in basketball. I'm not sure what would be more painful, getting my ass kicked by two basketball players or watching another season like they had last year.

If I’m looking for hot girls, where should I go on vacation this summer?
I've heard women in Chicago and Fairbanks, Alaska are lovely this time of year. St. Paul, Minnesota is another hot spot in the summer time. Just stay away from Orlando.

What are your thoughts on giving me a chance to write one blogpost for you?
Well, considering this is the second blog where I'm giving you all the attention by answering your questions, I'd say slim to none unless you want to count these as your one blogpost.

Would you rather be a penguin or a panda bear?
Penguin so I can play with Evgeni Malkin and Sergei Gonchar. I would also have an opportunity to bitch slap Sidney Crosby. I've always dreamed of being on a powerplay with Jordan Staal also.

Has anyone ever stolen your bike?
No, unfortunately, no one has ever stolen my bike.

Why don’t you have a Twitter?
I do have a Twitter. JimKirwan26. Why don't you do your research?

In your opinion, is there any hope that Pokemon will ever get back to being popular?
No. They ruined it when they started making new Pokemon. I do miss my grandfather calling Pokemon "PokeMAN" when it was popular though.

Are all of the obscene comments on the majority of your blogposts from the same person? And do you know who it is?
Yeah, I'm gonna say 97% of them are by Tom "Jean Jacket JOM" Silva. Mainly because he's told me that's he done most of them, and he really doesn't have anything better to do at UMASS Dartmouth.

What’s your real name?
James Louis Michael Kirwan III, but you can call me Junior.

I need a good book to read, any ideas?
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell was pretty entertaining. I also recently read "Go Dog Go" by Dr. Suess and "Your Dog Plays Hockey Charlie Brown?" by Charles M. Schultz. They are all pretty similar books, so I'd give any of those a shot. To kill time, I'd go with Where's Waldo?

If all cartoon character animals were to have a brawl, who would win?
What is wrong with you? I don't even want to answer this question, but I'll just go with the Carpet from Aladdin. I don't care if it's not an animal, it would win.

What time is it?
4:22, do you know where your children are?

Will there be a sequel to Titanic?
Yeah I read something that Jack Dawson actually didn't freeze to death and drown. I guess he's going to track down Rose in current time and reunite with her. They're also going to plot revenge against the iceberg and hire an assassin to melt it.

Last time I asked you to give me a good nickname and you came up with “Lefty”, that doesn’t work because I’m right handed, so can I have a new nickname?

Who is the most famous person to read your blog?
My grandmother read the blog. She got really upset that I told the world how awful the Christmas Shoes song is. She was so mad she called me a sack of sh!t on Mother's day! Other than my grandmother, I'd say Carson Daly or Megan Fox.

If you could vote for any 4 presidents, who would they be?
Woodrow "Big Woody" Wilson, David Palmer, Bill Clinton and Rutherford B. Hayes.

Why don’t you have a girlfriend?
Because I have a blog called Breakfast at Jimothy's.

If you could have any band play at your wedding, who would it be?
I'm the charming romantic type, so I'd go with Nirvana. If they're busy, I'll settle for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Hawthorne Heights, Eddie Money or Justin Timberlake.

Would you rather take another year of western civ or listen to the Christmas Shoes song on repeat for a full week, nonstop?
Neither, I'd rather slice my throat. Next question.

If you had to be a member of a mob or a tribe, what would it be?
I'd rather be a member of a posse or a conglomerate to be honest.

Has your blog ever gotten you anything for free?
Yes, compliments and admiration. Along with people telling me that they love the blog and find it funny. Besides that, nothing.

You’re in college, what is your favorite alcoholic beverage?
I'm a big fan of Kool-Aid.

What would you sell to see the Bruins win a Stanley Cup?
The naming rights to my first child, one of my livers, and a shoutout in the blog.

I hate you.
The feelings are so incredibly mutual you don't even know. By the way, that's not a question.

How many proms have you gone to?

What’s the most money you’ve ever spent on one purchase?
I once bought myself a large buffalo chicken pizza from Golden Crust for like 14 bucks. I think that's it.

Are you a good dancer?
Actually yes. I'm not that bad of a dancer to be honest.

Will you be the godfather of my first child?

Should I stay away from Times Square due to recent bomb scares?
No you'll be fine. Just stay away from Madison Square Garden the day Lebron James signs with a team not called the Knicks.

What will you do if I reveal myself to you in person?
I ask myself the same question every day. I have no idea.

Have a nice day.

Yeah, I'll have a nice day. As for shoutouts go, thank you to Meg Fox and Jamie Sharot for being wonderful wingwomen for me, I owe you big time. Also, to Christina D'Angelo, Gilly Imse, Samantha and Olivia Lovegreen for convincing me to go out with them and stay an extra night Saturday night. If I forgot anyone I promised a shoutout to, I'm sorry, I'll get you next time just remind me. I'm still at a loss for words at the questions I just answered.

Forever yours,