Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Dan Allen Manifesto St. Patrick's Day Bucketlist

Like it or not, we are all dying. As you read this sentence, each letter brings you closer and closer to death. Death conjures a wide range of emotion, as it is the last thing one does. Ever. To some, death comes as a sweet, sweet relief from the trials and tribulations of the world in which we live. Contrary to popular opinion, I’m not looking forward to dying — not so much because I love life, but more because wakes and funerals make me uncomfortable. So to ensure that I live life to the fullest and when my #winning turns to #dying, I want to be able to look back on my life and be able to say that yes, my life was the balls. So without further ado, this is my bucket list and these are the things I want to do, see, or experience, in no particular order, over the rest of my life.

1. Have a family. This one is more for my grandmother because every time I call her she always asks if I have any girlfriends. And then she sounds sad when I tell her that I don’t, but I promise her that she’ll be the first to know once I find a girl I can trick into going steady with me. So I would like to have a family before I die, so that the Nanimal, my grandma, can smile down upon me. Even though, realistically, my family will wind up looking like Malcolm in the Middle’s family instead of the Brady Bunch (who were actually kind of a broken family, but that’s a different story for a different day).

2. Have a career. This one is definitely for my mom. My mom is really good at nagging, like really good. But I’m really good at tuning people out, so we are at a bit of a domestic impasse. Unfortunately, her nagging me about going to school to better prepare me for the future got through and stuck. Therefore I’ll need a career and stuff. So any of you Friar Fanatics with rich, successful relatives that will inevitably read this, feel free to pass my name along to those rich, successful relatives and hook me up with a job.

3. Write a book. Since Painting with Words has been shelved (Get it?), I’ve been a rudderless ship, just my ideas floating around in the sea of creativity that is my mind. Before I die, I want to write a book so when I go to parties I can tell people that I wrote a book and they didn’t.

4. See the Bruins win a Stanley Cup. From eighth grade to my high school graduation, I saw my favorite football team win a Super Bowl, my favorite baseball team win two (two!) World Series trophies, and my favorite basketball team win Banner 17. Obviously, I’m very grateful that I saw as much as I did, but a Bruins win would complete my sports fanhood. I mean things could be worse, I could’ve been raised a Mets fan.

5. People to value my opinion. You, the reader, might not know this about me, but I’m never wrong. Like, ever. I have the deepest pool of practical knowledge with no use at all. I know it’s kind of contradictory but it makes sense. Now, if you knew someone who knew everything, wouldn’t you ask for his opinion on things and then take it? Me too. But my genius friends have a tendency to argue about something, ask my opinion, dismiss it, argue for another half hour, and wind up at the conclusion I drew. As I said before, life is fleeting. We should not be wasting our time arguing, when I can settle every argument in a hurry.

6. Be on Jeopardy!. Preferably the College Tournament so I could stand between two kids with no social skills in their Cal Poly and MIT sweaters. Of course I’d be in my URI sweatshirt and I’d just kill it on the pop culture and sports questions and then stay competitive in the literature and word play categories. I’d concede the chemistry questions, but I’m okay with that. Of course I don’t think I’d make any friends because I wouldn’t be able to laugh at Alex Trebek’s shitty jokes, or the inevitable Sean Connery references made by the nerds to either side of me on the stage who don’t even watch SNL, but happened to watch old Celebrity Jeopardy clips on youtube between their study sessions.

7. See Gay Marriage legalized in America. Not to get all political on you, but I’d like to see this happen. I subscribe to the belief that you like what you like and that’s that. If two guys want to get married in my town, I’d say go for it. Of course I’d be lying if watching two guys kiss doesn’t make me do a double take, but as long as I’m neither kissing party, dig in.

8. Own property in Europe. Another fun fact about me is that I’d love to be cultured. Of course the only time I’ve been subjected to the arts and cultures of people different than my own was the 4 years I spent in a public high school, so forgive me if I feel there is more to the rest of the world than shitty reggaeton and mediocre soccer teams. So to combat this, I am going to be proactive and buy something somewhere in Europe with all the money I made during my career in item number two. Technically I own 1/64 ish of the old O’Hara Township in County Sligo, Ireland, but I’m pretty sure the family priest may have given it to the Church.

9. Learn to dance. I mean I can Bernie with the best of them, but like how every great pitcher can reach back for a few more miles per hour on their fastball to get the strike out, I need to learn a dance that will turn some heads. I’ve dabbled in salsa dancing before, so maybe I could build on that, move to South America, and go by Dani Alvarez for a few years.

10. Do hot yoga. Basically, as far back as I can remember I’ve always wanted to do hot yoga. I know I said before I wasn’t gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but my desire to sweat my balls off in a room full of hippies while standing on my head leads me to believe that I might have the recessive gene for the gay or something.

11. Visit the pyramids. I mean, everyone knows that they put there by aliens and not Jewish slaves. And if Al Gore is right about global warming, the Mediterranean and the Gulf of Suez will overflow and wash away the pyramids and the Sphinx. So in a race against time, I need to get over to Egypt and see me some pyramids, because last time Al Gore was sure of something he was accurate. Deadly accurate.

12. Vacation to every single MLB Stadium in one summer. This plan has kind of been in the works since I was in high school. Basically, my two oldest BFFs and I decided that, hey, we like baseball, we like traveling to far away stuff, and we sure as shit like to sleep in RVs, we should visit all the baseball stadiums in the country. Since we were footloose and fancy free in high school, we decided we’d just take a summer off from life and travel the country and take in some baseball. But like dumbasses, we decided to go to college instead. So now I’ll have to wait for my retirement to make this trip. At that point, I’ll be too old to even enjoy it and I’ll turn into the crotchety old man that I’ve always dreamed of becoming.

13. Speak my mind and not care about repercussions. I tend to be a bit of a loose cannon when I speak, but I’m working on getting better. If you happen to see me out somewhere and I’m not smiling, it’s because I’m using all of my willpower to keep in something offensive that is on the tip of my tongue.

14. Learn how to surf. You show me someone that surfs that isn’t the coolest guy in the room, and I’ll show you a room full of surfers. Ya dig? Surfing looks like a lot of fun to me; I live in the Ocean State and I know how to swim so there isn’t any reason that I don’t surf. Plus, I know my way around a boogie board, which is just the Ramon to the surfboard’s Pedro Martinez.

15. See a woman elected President of the United States. Just kidding.

Have a fun and safe St. Patrick’s Day, everyone.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Rebecca Black

Alright. This video may be painful, but it has to be dissected. This is Rebecca Black. The face of our generation. Please take a moment to watch this video. It's the worst 3:47 in the history of the world. It's so awful it's almost laughable. At one point in my life, myself, Kyle Towne, Tyler Blatchley and Tom Airozo formed a band called Jimmy K and the Eastside Boys. We would write shitty songs just to pass time. All three of the songs we wrote are at least 20x better than this, and this girl has a record deal. Like the host of Chez Louis restaurant tells Ferris Bueller, Cameron and Sloane, "I weep for the future". Let's get into everything wrong with the video first.

Opening Calender- Oh boy, looks like a busy week for Rebecca. Sunday is for studying in the Black household so she can be prepared for her big test monday on "how to make the whole world hate you through youtube". Looks like she got an A. Tuesday looks to be filled with more homework. I think she's bullshitting us by saying that Wednesday she has music practice. Yeah right. She has an essay due on Thursday, probably the homework she was doing on Tuesday, but that's just a rumor I heard. Now it's Friday. Let the 13 year old school girl shenanigans begin.

Morning Activities- My first thought is she's a fembot. Remember the opening scene in Austin Powers 2 when it turns out that Vanessa is a fembot? You know, her mouth starts moving to the wrong words and she does whatever the remote does before malfunctioning? I'm waiting for her to blow up. Also, she hasn't blinked. At all. "Gotta have my bowl. Gotta have cereal." At least she has her priorities in check. One question: what about your spoon? Did Bruno Mars write this?

The Car Fiasco- Okay, so let me get this straight. She claims "Gotta get down to the bus-stop. Gotta catch my bus" then proceeds to see her friends driving a car. First of all, these kids aren't wearing seatbelts. Secondly, even if you added up all 5 of these kids ages together, they would barely be able to legally drive. Next is possibly my favorite part of the video. Deciding in which seat to sit in. Well it appears she missed out on calling shotgun. So that rules out that. Also, Tiny Tim is driving, so it looks like she's screwed in the front row. She's gonna be stuck in the back, and since there is already two people in the back and she's the last one in, she automatically gets the middle seat. The fact that she still has to contemplate this, saying she has to make her mind up and repeat it numerous times in her single means that she A. is the most indecisive person in the world. I bet choosing which type of cereal she had this morning was just as difficult. B. is semi-retarded, since she needs to think about which seat to choose when there is one seat remaining, and C. a horrible, horrible person to think that this song will give her a future. Moving on, I am a huge fan of the girl in shotgun's awkward arm waving to the music. At this point, I'm wishing they hit a pothole or a speed bump and they all get sent flying out of the car and don't make it to the damn weekend.

Enthusiasm- The "yeah!'s" are some of the lamest in regards to hearing the words party, fun and weekend that I've ever heard. Again, this song reminds me of Austin Powers when Will Ferrel's character has to answer anything that is said three times. All I heard is "FRYYYDAY, FRYYYDAY FRYYYDAY", "FUN FUN FUN" "WE WE WE SO EXCITED". It's atrocious.

Learning- One thing this song has successfully done for me: teach me the weekend. I'm a bit ashamed to admit it, but I still get my days confused. It blows my mind that this 13 year old wiz actually learned the days of the week before this 20 year old college kid could. Without you, Rebecca Black, I would've had no idea that if today is Friday, that means that yesterday was Thursday, tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes after that. I really wish you could've included Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday though, because I'm still having trouble figuring out where those days fall in the week. I'm starting to wonder if she's Canadien or soemthing.

The Mysterious Rapper- Who is this guy? It's gotta be Michael Strahan's brother or something right? Take away the gap tooth and it looks like him. Other possibilities: Flo Rida, the return of Chingy, Ice Cube, The Game, or Cuba Gooding Jr on a lot of steroids. Any street-cred that was previously earned should be returned to the hood after this appearance. Game over, please insert more credits.

The Party- Isn't this girl in middle school? How can she get friends to drive on a highway to a party? What are they going to do? Play Jenga all night and sip on root beer while wearing their favorite outfits from stores like Limited Too, Icing, and American Eagle? And are all these kids gathering to see this girl perform this song? I'm about to have a coniption just thinking about it.

Final Thoughts- FRYYYYDay. FRYYYYDay. Fun Fun Fun Fun. I don't want the weekend to come anymore. Let me get this straight, isn't autotune supposed to make songs better? All it did was make her sound like a robot. And you mean to tell me that this girl has a record deal? Really? Where the hell did I go so wrong in life to be less famous than this girl? Now I realize that she's only getting famous because of how awful this song and video is, but still. I'd rather be famous for being the son of the Unibomber than being famous for this song. I'm going to make a promise to you all, I will write a song about FRYYYday (whatever that is) that will be better and post it to youtube. If she can do it, anyone can. This is a sad, sad world. Thank you, Rebecca Black, for poisoning the world. You have given us 3 minutes and 47 seconds that we can never get back, and quite frankly would be better of doing anything. I would rather play in traffic for 3 minutes and 47 seconds than listen to this. You have successfully made me hate Justin Bieber a little less. You are the devil.


Monday, March 14, 2011


I'm on spring break and I'm bored. As most people know, I'm very into music. Many of my friends often ask me why I listen to some of the stuff I listen to, and I can't really blame them. Anywho, I'm really excited for some albums that are due out this year, and hopefully you'll agree with me.

Kid Cudi- I'm not really the biggest fan of rap. I like certain songs every now and then, but I've always been a fan of Kid Cudi. I guess I have no problem saying he's my favorite rapper. Maybe it's because he's really messed up in the head, but who knows. Anyways, he has started the process of a new album, which he claims is going to be a 'rock' album. This is interesting because he did play guitar on a few songs on his latest album. His last album was kind of trippy and may not have been as good as his first one (with Pursuit of Happiness, Soundtrack 2 My Life, Up Up and Away), but at least he's rapping about things that matter to him and not making up some shitty dance craze or talking about what a thug or g he is. This should be interesting that he claims he is truly making a rock record, and I think it'll be a great idea. He can certainly provide the lyrics, but the only question is how the music will be.

Foo Fighters- Dave Grohl still amazes me. First he's the drummer in Nirvana, then he's the lead singer and guitarist in Foo Fighters, then he goes and creates Them Crooked Vultures. I don't think he's ever made a bad album in any band. The Foo Fighters are just one of those bands like the Red Hot Chili Peppers or Blink-182 who everyone sort of likes and no one hates. They haven't released anything that recently, so it's nice to have them back.

Kim Kardashian- I heard 30 seconds of one of her songs. If the whole cd is anything like the 30 second snippet I heard, it will be the worst thing known to mankind. This might make Paris Hilton's 'Stars Are Blind' song look like a Grammy winner. Maybe for once she'll get trashed for something and go away for a bit.
Blink-182- It's about damn time. After Tom Delonge had his little hissyfit had that underperforming, half-assed band Angels and Airwaves (supposedly they're still together?), it seemed that Blink-182 would never get back together. It only took Travis Barker surviving a plane crash to get these guys to realize that life is short and Blink really shouldn't have broken up in the first place. Blink might be the band of my generation. I can remember listening to them when I was in elementary school and I'm still a fan to this day. Yeah they might have gotten more mature, but their last album was brilliant, so have hope people. I will admit that this is sort of taking a while now, and although the album is a sureshot thing, no one knows when it's going to be finished. I have faith in blink, so hopefully it'll be worth the wait.

The Strokes- This one will be intersting. They're last album sort of got ripped for being too electronic back in 2006. It's almost like it would've fit more within the past few years, and it really isn't that bad of an album. I like the Strokes because it seems that they just don't give a shit about anything whatsoever. They have no problem writing songs about parties, doing what they want, and girls. They're cooler than the Fonz and make leather jackets badass again. They're first two albums were amazing, so it'll be hard to get back on that level, but from what I've heard from this new album Angles, it looks like they're certainly trying for it. Under Cover of Darkness is a really catchy song that needs to be more mainstream. I mean it's better than anything released by Ke$ha, Wiz Khalifa or Katy Perry recently. Anyways, Angles comes out on the 22nd, and I can't wait. If there's any songs remotely close to Last Nite, Reptilia, 12:51 or Someday, then the world should rejoice.

Red Hot Chili Peppers- I think the whole world is excited for this. The Chili Peppers are one of those few bands who can last 30 years and still make good music. Seeing them live 4 years ago in Boston was one of the best nights of my life with some of my best friends ever for the Stadium Arcadium tour. John Frusciante might have left the band but at least Anthony, Flea, and Chad "Will Ferrel's Twin" Smith are still in the band, and I'm pretty confident their new guitarist will fit in well. There's been plenty of rumours about the cd, such as Anthony Kiedis saying that the working title for it is Dr. Johnny Skinz's Disproportionately Rambunctious Polar Express Machine-head. Now, there is very, very little chance that this will remain the actual album title, but that's still pretty awesome. Also, there is supposed to be around 20 songs, which is also pretty awesome. The Chili Peppers never disappoint, and there will probably be a few summer anthems coming from them in the near future. Also, I'm not a gambling man, but their will probably be a song about California or Los Angelese. Just sayin.

Taking Back Sunday- I might be a little bias here because I'm a huge TBS fan, but it just seemed so impossible at the time. Original guitarist/backup vocalist John Nolan and bassist Shaun Cooper rejoined the band out of nowhere, so the original lineup is all in tact. This means its back to the Tell All Your Friends heyday, which gave us some of their best songs, such as Cute Without the E, You're So Last Summer, Timberwolves at New Jersey, Bike Scene, Ghost Man on Third, and the ultimate comeback song to another song, There's No 'I' In Team (see Brand New's 'Seventy Times 7' if you're confused). I've seen these guys 4 times, each with a different lineup, but seeing the original guys this past June was amazing. I have high hopes, because I think they're motivated to produce something awesome. Adam Lazzara has always wrote great lyrics, and having John back will do nothing but improve it. I might be the most excited about this cd, but that's just me. Just the fact that the band patched things up is one thing, but to start touring again and making a cd with 10-11 songs on it is amazing. Also, they're playing at Lupo's in Providence this April. Need I say more?

As for shoutouts, I gotta give some to stunning Jenna Borkoski and the gorgeous Meg Mahoney. I owe you girls dinner, I know I know, have faith in me. Also, thank you to Kyle Towne for providing two solid blog topics. Also, on St. Patrick's Day I have a gift to you all: Letting Dan Allen share with the world his bucket list. I've gotten a brief preview and it will be entertaining.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

A Well Oiled MaSheen

Everyone's been talking about Charlie Sheen lately. It may have something to do with all the coke, booze, prostitutes and porn stars he's been surrounded around lately, but that's just a hunch. Everybody is saying what a trainwreck he is and how he's gonna be dead any day now and this and that, but after watching the 20/20 on him tonight on ABC, I realized a few things about Charlie.

First of all, he is winning. I like this whole circus around his life, because it seems that for once, a celebrity is controlling the media and he's totally kicking the shit out of them. I have always despised papparazzi. I think it's pathetic that these lowlifes spend all their time watching other people they don't even really know go grocery shopping and making up stories about them to make money. It's been going on for years and sure everyone listens and pays attention to it, but now, here comes our knight in shining armor. To be completely honest with everyone, it is apparent that Charlie Sheen simply could not care less about what people think of him, which is key in this battle against the media. He is going around saying what he wants and does whatever he does, while giving a Cee-lo Green worthy F you to anyone who is trying to talk about him. If you watched the 20/20 tonight with him, that reporter had no chance. She tried asking her questions, and everyone could tell she was being judgmental and I think she thought she was going to get Sheen to feel bad about what has been going on. She got her ass kicked. Sheen took over the interview, screwed around the whole time, but all while giving answers for every question. He dropped so many pearls of wisdom in that one hour special he could've made a necklace out of it. "They say it's lonely at the top, but I'm loving the view!", "I only have one speed, GO!". One of my favorite comebacks of all time was when that reporter asked him if he was bipolar and he immediately said "The earth is bi-polar." Indeed it is Charlie. Who else would have thought of that so on the spot in regard to being called bi-polar? Charlie Sheen can.

I almost feel like Charlie Sheen is the combination of Chuck Norris and Hugh Hefner. I mean the comparison with Hef is too easy, with all these parties at his mansion and a constant revolving door of porn stars, along with two current girlfriends who he refers to as "goddesses". He even referred to himself as a drug. The comparison to Chuck Norris is simply because it seems that he can survive anything and do anything. He is unstoppable right now. He is fearless. He even said it tonight "Dying is for fools." Take that grim reaper. I'm willing to bet that like Hef, Charlie Sheen will make it to his late 80's and amaze the world. If he's survived this past month, he's capable of anything in my eyes. I also like the fact that he is keeping a positive mental attitude and is still calling himself a winner. I don't know about you kids, but growing up I was always taught to be a winner, I just never quite embraced it as much as Charlie has.

Among other things, there is the topic of cancelling Two & A Half Men, which would suck. My dad is a big fan of the show, and I'd watch it with him occassionaly over the summer, and I will say that it is pretty funny. Not my most favorite show on air but I like it. The fact that the reruns being aired are still getting higher ratings than ANYTHING else on TV (is there really much competition though?) is mind blowing. This would mean that one man could take down one of the most viewed television shows of all time just because he is doing what he wants to do and saying what he wants to say. How many other people could singlehandedly take down something so powerful? Sure maybe Cobain might've ruined Nirvana when he blew his brains out, and LeBron may have ruined the whole city of Cleveland, but to take down a show that is earning millions upon millions of dollars and still consider himself winning is just nuts. Then he even says that he's willing to man up and keep doing the show if the producer agrees to just hate each other but do their jobs and get the show rolling again. It all sort of makes sense when you think of it.

Now I'm not saying that I'm approving the use of drugs, prostitutes, having two girlfriends, or getting divorced three times, but Charlie Sheen is actually doing some good. It's refreshing for someone to stand up for whatever he's talking about and just playing around with the media, so in that regard, I'm taking his side. He is indeed winning. The media is just going to try to hang him out to dry and try to disgrace him, but I feel like people will just think positive of him for sticking up to them. I've never liked Charlie Sheen more than after the past few days. He's a legend. The media will not be Charlie Sheen, and that is final. The guy likes to party, leave him alone. He's making a mocking of stupid sites like TMZ and it's hilarious. After watching that 20/20 I realized that that was the most I've ever spent watching ABC for a non-sporting event and the most I've laughed in a long time. He may not be mentally sane, and yeah his life may be a little bit crazy, but I am on Team Sheen. Also, his twitter is blowing up, in just one day tweeting 5 pretty awesome things and surpassing 500,000+ followers already. Oh yeah, it's also pretty cool that Major League III is gonna happen. One last thought on this matter, I wonder how Emilio "Coach Gordon Bombay" Estevez feels about this. He's been down to earth and normal, but he's still the brother no one cares about.

In conclusion, shoutout to Diana Baumgardt for making me realize that this is a perfect blog opportunity, and happy birthday. Also, I would like to thank people for the tremendous feedback I'm getting on my haircut. I hated to part with my long, curlish locks but it was time. I've heard great comments, saying that I'm more handsome, more suave, and that I look cleaner, which makes me sort of wonder what my "friends" really thought of me before the haircut, but I'll take it. Also, what I can't figure out is why so many people are asking me if I got a haircut. Are you blind? I forgot I had ears because I hadn't seen them in so long, I hadn't gotten a haircut since November, and now that it's extremely short you're really going to ask me if I got a haircut? It couldn't be more obvious in my opinion, but hey, as long as the crowds are pleased and girls start to look at me.

Always winning,