Sunday, January 29, 2012

Bow-Wow. Chicka Chickaahhhh.

So today youtube presented us with a magnificent gift: a trailer for a super bowl commercial involving Ferris Bueller. In case you haven’t heard of youtube or just don’t feel like clicking the link above, essentially it shows an aged Matthew Broderick in a robe, pushing open his curtains and saying “how can I handle work on a day like today” complete with a musical “bow wow, chicka chickahhhh”. Along with this glorious scene is the date ‘2.5.12’ which just so happens to be the date of the super bowl. The big question everyone is asking and hoping for, is if a sequel to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off will actually happen.

If you were to show me a person who doesn’t like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, I’ll show you a person who is a liar. Truth be told, everyone is a fan of Ferris Bueller. He’s a hero to normal kids. Popular, savvy, fond of cheetah prints, dates a girl named Sloane, it’s impossible to not like him. Everyone wishes they could pull off half of what Ferris did on his day off during their high school years. There is a good reason why this short, 10 second clip already has 3.2 million views in a span of two days- it could give us the sequel to the greatest movie of all time. The thing that scares me? It’s a commercial of a trailer for a trailer to a movie. Ya dig? This was just a youtube clip. Who knows what will happen on Super Bowl Sunday. You can argue that some form of a commercial will take place, but what will it consist of? Basically, there are a few options. 1. We will get an official trailer commercial for Ferris Bueller 2. B. Some crappy company like Honda or Nabisco will use Ferris Bueller in a commercial to promote something, and the ad campaign will work gloriously due to everyone thinking the commercial was for a movie. 3. It will be Matthew Broderick doing a commercial for something and just giving the world a giant case of blue balls.

To be honest, I never have faith in things. These days I’ve learned that if something is too good to be true, it isn’t. This is why I am skeptical about Ferris Bueller 2. I mean what could happen? Ferris takes a day off from work? Is he married to Sloane Peterson? Has Cameron suffered a nervous breakdown yet? Is Ferris still considered a righteous dude? What about his sister who was also in Flashdance? Will Charlie Sheen make another brief cameo in a police station? There are just so many questions and so many possibilities that it is hard to tell what would happen in a sequel. You can almost make an argument that Ferris Bueller shouldn’t have a sequel because the first one was just so perfect. Let’s face it, it would take a lot to get people to overlook the ‘twist and shout’ parade scene, or the prank phone call scene where Cameron pretends he is George Peterson (Rooney, pardon my French, but you’re an ASS-hole!). Some movies just shouldn’t have sequels. Think of Jaws 2. Remember Scream 2? Legally Blonde 2 was just awful. I mean some movies should just stop when the credits started rolling. It’s a tricky situation with a movie like this. Even making things harder is that John Hughes isn’t on this planet anymore, so a new director would have to take over. Skepticism is the key here.

This being said, it would really, really suck if this is just a marketing ploy for some company. Super Bowl commercials ain’t cheap, so for someone to trick everyone into thinking that a commercial for Ferris Bueller 2 is actually a car commercial would take a lot of balls. There would be a lot of bad publicity and/or backlash for a stunt like this, which makes you think that perhaps there actually is going to be a second movie.

As I sit here half-drunk typing this, I can’t help but notice the giant poster right above my laptop just staring at me in the face. Ferris Bueller reminding me that leisure rules, and the ‘one man’s struggle to take it easy’ line that is at my eye level right now sort of leaves me feeling unsure about this. Obviously I’d love to see a sequel of Ferris Bueller, but it has to be good. I, like most of you I’m sure, will be very pissed off if this teaser is a commercial for something pointless like a car. It’ll be interesting to see what happens on Super Bowl Sunday, but I’ll have my fingers crossed that it’s a sequel. Even if it sucks, we will always have the awesomeness of the first one to fall back on.

Friday, January 13, 2012

It Was The Best of Times, It Was The...Best of Times

The 90’s were such simpler times. The NBA was worth watching. The only problem our country faced was Monica Lewinski. Space Jam was the only movie that mattered to us krazy kids, fashion was a bit iffy and Beyonce was still in Destiny’s Child (still bitter that they broke up). After flipping through channels today and coming across the crap that was on Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network and Disney, it hit me that 90’s television was better. To prove my point, I’m going to carefully analyze some classic shows from my youth.

Doug- I feel like Doug was an outcast in Bluffington, which is kind of weird considering Roger was green and a ginger and Skeeter was an athletic smurf who was fond of honking noises. Doug had his neat little journal, and his bland green sweater vest and life was just peachy. Speaking of hipsters, how about his sister Judy? That is what you call a girl who is not fond of mainstream things.

Thundercats- Yep. I don’t know either.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles- A group of teenagers who double as ninjas all while being turtles will always make for intriguing TV. They love pizza, were fond of famous painters, were trained by a rat named Splinter and their arch nemesis was a bro named Shredder. That pretty much sums it all up.

Hey Arnold- Definitely one of the finest shows of our generation. Every episode was solid, never disappointing. My only complaint is that we still have no idea what happened to Arnold’s parents. It’s been keeping me up nights for the past 10 years. On a serious note, who didn’t love Stoop Kid, the Jolly Olly Man, Gerald Field, Grandpa, the kid who had breathing problems and always got beat up by Helga.

Spongebob- Squidward made the show because he was depressed, sarcastic and realistic. I liked that about him. Patrick was out of shape. Mr. Krabs was a penny pincher. Spongebob was immature and socially inept. Gary suffered from an identity crisis and thought he was a cat. Honestly, Spongebob always kind of creeped me out.

Hey Dude- Ranch bros hanging out with wannabe southern belles. Does anyone remember what that show was even about?

Boy Meets World- Perhaps the most realistic show to be on the air throughout the 90’s. I wish Mr. Feeny was in charge of Providence College. The only thing kind of fishy about the whole series was that a girl was actually named Topanga. What kind of a name is that? Is it Dutch?

Scooby Doo- Kids in the 70’s solving mysteries, always having the munchies, in a groovy mystery machine, with a dog that they can all talk to. Hooray for drugs.

Legends of the Hidden Temple- This was the greatest game show of our generation. Sure, Family Feud was awesome back in the day where Richard Dawson stole kisses from every female contestant on the show, but it wasn’t as exciting as Legend of the Hidden Temple. The Blue Barracudas, Red Jaguars, Green Monkeys, Orange Iguanas, Purple Parrots and Silver Snakes, you really can’t go wrong. The final stage where contestants had to complete Olmec’s Hidden Temple always made for exciting television. I swear I was on the edge of my beanbag chair watching those 90’s nerds win a trip to Space Camp. P.S. Kirk Fog had perfect 90's TV gameshow host hair. Could've been a character on Dawson's Creek with that 'do.

All That- SNL junior. May have been better than today’s SNL. Serious question, why isn’t Kel on Saturday Night Live? He was the driving force of the Kenan and Kel show, yet Kenan gets all the glory and Kel was last seen doing a freestyle in a Sprite commercial. It is such a cruel world. Does anyone know if that rumor is true that Lori Beth Denberg was the fat cheerleader in Dodgeball? Talk about going downhill.

Thomas the Tank Engine- It is starting to occur to me that most of the shows that us 90’s kids grew up with involved inanimate objects talking. Granted it did have the Beatle with the coolest name, but that didn’t help me out any because I hate the Beatles, but that is for another day. What was the plot of Thomas the Tank Engine anyways? Learning stuff? How boring.

Teletubbies- I get the whole weird creature concept. I get the weirdo names like Dipsy, Po, Little Mo With the Gimpy Leg, Laa-Laa…maybe not Tinky Winky, that was a bit weird. I understand it was a children’s show. What I don’t understand is what the hell was that baby in the sun? Was this sun baby a type of Messiah? Was this baby the Tim Tebow to these Teletubbies? This show had too many questions floating around to be enjoyed the masses.

Dragon Ball Z- I never watched this show growing up but all I heard was that it dealt with dragons and fireballs and rainbows and two Eskimos who dealt with the daily struggles of going to high school in a boring town. Not really my cup of tea.

Sailor Moon- I got suckered into this show. My sister went bananas over this show when she was knee-high to a grasshopper. Everyday before school I would watch 30 minutes of Sportscenter and then be forced to watch an episode of Sailor Moon on Cartoon Network. It kind of seemed like Pokemon with real people mixed in with some planets and stuff. It was really weird, I’m not gonna lie. Also, Tuxedo Mask was a badass character, but I think this was the wrong show for him. Every anime series needs a dashing, mysterious young man who wears a mask. It’s like phantom of the opera minus the singing and the deformities.

Gargoyles- Special thanks to Kevin Coughlin for reminding me of this gem. Essentially, this was a dark, depressing cartoon that seems like it would be a favorite of Dungeons and Dragons players. Basically a bunch of gargoyles were under a spell and could only come out at cloudy nights, which was helped by some millionaire who bought a skyscraper and moved said gargoyles to the rooftop. These gargoyles dealt with struggles, mostly the fact that they got moved to New York City. Imagine that? Being under a spell for two thousand years and all of a sudden you become alive again and have to deal with New Yorkers. I’d rather be encased in stone. The Knicks are that terrible.

Clarissa Explains it All- I always was a big fan of how Sam would hang with Clarissa by entering her second story window via ladder, while a brief guitar sound played to notify everyone that he was coming. I wish I had that ability. I can just picture every time I walk into my third floor apartment, as I turn the doorknob the sound of an owl hoots, or a musical triangle is played. I have to look into this. Anywho back to the finest show Melissa Joan Hart ever did that wasn’t about a teenage witch. What the hell did she explain? Teenagers don’t know anything. They think they know everything, but when it comes down to it, they really don’t know anything. Nothing Clarissa explained to me was really all that important and worth writing down. This show was kind of a letdown. She didn’t give me any advice regarding grad school or post-college plans. That Clarissa was so selfish.

Wild Thornberry’s- Three things made this show enjoyable for me. 1. Flea from the Red hot Chili Peppers was the voice of that Tarzan kid (who obviously had some mental problems that have never been discussed. 2. Nigel Thornberry had the best voice of any cartoon character ever created, and it is not up for debate. 3. Debbie Thornberry. Talk about a hipster/grunge/slacker queen. Debbie Thornberry always had that nonchalant swagger about her. She was one of those girls who was good looking and knew it, but never said it outright. Besides that, the show kinda sucked. Just another show about a nerd with no friends who thinks she can talk to animals. Yawn. But that Debbie Thornberry. Holy smokes. What a gal.

Pete and Pete- No doubt in my mind that Pete and Pete’s parents were on drugs. Name both your sons Pete? C’mon. That is just asking for trouble. The fact that they were both gingers didn’t help their cases out too much. Also, it really wasn't that funny. Now Danny Tambawhatever is working as a short-order cook in Jersey somewhere. Be careful Ronnie from Jersey Shore, this fate awaits you next.

The Muppets- No words are needed. Best show ever. Gonzo/Kermit 2012.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Livin' In a Hipsta Paradise

With the new year here, expectations, hopes and questions are going though everybody's minds. For one group of people, more problems and questions may be arising in 2012. What type of people do you ask? Hipsters.

Hipsters are the most mysterious group of people out there. All they care about is not being mainstream and going against the kool kids and what most people enjoy, indulging in lesser known musicians, movies, ideas and style. An ideal day for a true hipster would consist of deciding which flannel to wear, hopping on their bike to go get some thin crust pizza, throw some Neutral Milk Hotel on vinyl and watch b-movies all night. Hipsters cannot be pleased. If anything they like becomes popular, they decide they don't like it anymore due to it becoming mainstream. It's a revolving door of sadness and fads. 2012 will be no different for hipsters. I present to you: 2012- The Year of Hipster Problems.

  • 2011 was tough for hipsters with the Arcade Fire shocking the world and winning a Grammy for Album of the Year over Biebz, Eminem, I forget who else but probably Lady Gaga and Rihanna. 2012 will be a trying year, because now that Arcade Fire have gone mainstream by winning an award and getting popular (mostly by people asking 'who the hell is Arcade Fire?') it means that they have to be replaced as top band in the indie/hipster community.

  • Hipster Athlete Tim Lincecum will have a down year and ruin sports for all hipsters.

  • Even hipsters will realize that Tyler, The Creator is one of the most pathetic scumbags on this planet, and they will lose faith in their token hip-hop hipster. The whole Fresh Prince ripoff look wasn't working out too well for him anyways.

  • Hipsters took another blow at the end of 2011 with hipster queen Zooey Deschanel becoming more and more popular with her tv shows. First she stars in New Girl but she also writes Whitney which is rumored to actually be funny. Anywho, then Zooey ends up divorcing the frontman from Death Cab For Cutie, meaning that she's single and going to be a hot commodity, making her more and more famous, thus more and more mainstream. Hipsters frown upon this. Their queen is going mainstream, which means that they need a new hipster queen. Possible choices include Lindsay Lohan, Drew Barrymore, or Amy PoelherSlow.

  • Speaking of Death Cab For Cutie, since they now have new material to write about cause of Zooey Deschanel (divorce, broken hearts), they might be able to put out an extremely successful emo-indie album, thus also going to mainstream for their hipster fans.

  • Slowly but surely, the hipsters against ipods movement will fade out. I myself am a fan of vinyl records. I think it truly sounds better on vinyl, but that doesn't help me out when I'm away from my bedroom and want to hear music. Hipsters will have to accept the fact that iPods are awesome and are meant to be their friend.

  • That being said, buying vinyl will become to mainstream and cassette tapes will become all the rage to hipsters in 2012, thus starting another complex, expensive means of listening to music

  • Hipsters will dump facebook by April to start going back to MySpace. They will then slowly realize just how creepy MySpace was/is and will quietly reactivate their facebooks by June.

  • Urban Outfitters will file for bankruptcy since too many people go there to just look at their overly expensive clothing, and not actually buy anything. Hipsters will act as if they won't care but they secretly adore UO and will focus solely on thrift stores to enhance their wardrobe.

  • Hipster Heartthrob Lana Del Rey performs on Saturday Night Live this Saturday and will soon be questioned by everyone about the size of her massive, gotta-be-fake lips and bore everyone. This will make hipster music a laughingstock and be a major blow to indie musicians.

  • Best Coast will completely sell out and actually make it big with their new album. Too mainstream and too bitchy. Nay for the hipsters. They lose again.

  • Hipsters will officially become too frustrated with being hipster as it keeps getting mocked, scrutinized and, ironically, mainstream. Hipsters will collectively give up and the hipster movement will be extinct by 12/21/12, along with the rest of the human race if those damn Mayans are right.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

So We Meet Again

Hello friends, it has been a while since I've been on the blog. I've been more reclusive than Macaulay Caulkin these days on the world wide web. It hit me the other day that some things just don't make sense. Tim Tebow. Any type of math past algebra. Why I have to take 2 theology, 2 philosophy and 2 years of development of western civilization classes at PC. One thing that really hasn't made sense to me recently is why I can't think of any good blog topics. Has life gotten this monotonous where I can't dream up something stupid enough to write a few paragraphs and get some of my facebook friends to read? I am now entering my last semester at good ol' Providence College, which means many things, mostly that I am running out of time to have a fun lifestyle involving kegs, parties, and dressing up like this with my friends with no consequences.

Instead of agonizing over getting a perfect topic, I'm just gonna start blogging about random things, bands, movies, hipsters, the Tim Tebow phenomena. It's time for me to do my part in helping smaller bands get a bit more credit than they get since everyone is brainwashed by the poppy shit that gets played on the radio these days. Seriously how many more #1 singles can Lady Gaga and Rihanna squeak in with crappy music?

Basically, starting tonight, I'll be posting music, thoughts on things. Make it short and sweet, but with more topics. It'll be more of a weekly basis instead of a monthly thing, so hopefully it works. I'm going to try to introduce people to new things, but still keep pop culture very relevant. I'm still going to talk about the next time Snooki gets punched, harshly criticize MTV for killing the music business, and make stupid lists of things that some people appreciate.

If there is anything you guys would like me to write about, tell me in the comment section of this post. I aim to please. In the meantime, I'll be doing some writing very, very soon, so check back every now and then. Finally, as always, tell all your friends so I can get rich and popular, and live a lavish lifestyle.

Forever yours,