Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Christmas Music...Woof

Ah the holidays. A special time to enjoy with friends and family.  People get to see their drunk uncle Frank’s for that one time per year.  For some reason we pin socks above chimneys.  We reward the greatest home invader ever with milk and cookies for his hard work breaking into to our houses.  We get awesome presents and some of us even get that added bonus of feeling good for buying things for other people.  What a concept.  Many things about Christmas are cool, but there is one part of Christmas that makes me very annoyed and unhappy starting at the end of November:  Christmas music.  I absolutely hate Christmas music.

Now hear me out before calling me some clever anti-christmas name like ‘Scrooge’ or ‘The Grinch’.  I am a big fan of Christmas in general.  In fact, I would go as far to say that I love it, and I only save the love word for my Mom, Kraft macaroni and cheese, and the smash hit song Call Me Maybe.  My Christmases have been pretty sweet.  I get awesome gifts, my Christmas tree is really tall, and it’s the only time of year when I can buy tree-shaped Reese’s.  The only, and I mean only, thing I dislike about Christmas is the music.  I know you’re asking why.  You’re probably thinking “How can you hate it, it’s only played for about a month”, which is an understandable thought to have, but it is wrong.  My parents, god bless them, love Christmas music.  They love it so much that they play it from about November 1st, until about St. Patrick’s day.  I’m not kidding here.  I’d like to think that most of you do, in fact, get somewhat tired of Christmas music after New Years, which is when most people normally stop playing it.  My sister Allison and I have had to endure an added 2 and a half months of Christmas music, which gets real old, real fast.  From classic versions of Christmas songs, to Martini Lounge Christmas cd’s, to my Dad’s Merry Axemas compilation album, I’ve heard way too many awful variations of already awful songs.  I know it seems like an exaggeration, but it is unbearable.  My sister and I are very, very different people, but one thing we can always share is a mutual hatred for this awful genre of music.  Since my friends always give me crap for not liking it, and most people seem stunned when I bring up the fact that I hate it, I’m going to rundown some of the holiday favorites and make you hate them as well.  Also, I will throw in three Christmas songs that are somewhat bearable to me that you most likely haven’t heard.  Ho Ho Ho, indeed.

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer & Frosty the Snowman:  Do we hear songs like ‘The Itzy Bitzy Spider’ played on the radio?  How about Humpty Dumpty and all those stupid rhymes?   Rudolph and Frosty and both glorified nursery songs that for some reason get airtime each Christmas because some goon like Dean Martin sang a version of back in 1958 while most likely drunk.  Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  Give me a break.  You know who else has a red nose?  Drunks.  Can these even be called ‘songs’?  The lyrics in Rudolph promote bullying while the lyrics in Frosty promote imaginary friends that melt away.  I’d take Puff the Magic Dragon over Frosty any day.  Good music should relate to realistic aspects of life: love, fear, hopes, dreams, sadness.  I don’t see how a walking snowman, who, by the way, would absolutely scare the shit out of me has anything to do with Christmas.  Basically what we have here are two songs about a mutant Reindeer and a real live snowman walking around like a big idiot, which are exactly what I want to hear on the radio to get me in the Christmas spirit.

All I Want For Christmas Is You:  Isn’t it kind of funny that Mariah Carey was talking about Nick Cannon this whole time?  Would anyone else want Nick Cannon for Christmas?  I sure wouldn’t.  What a dweeb.  By the way, this song especially irks me because I’m still trying to figure out why the hell this was the last ever song played at the PC Class of 2012 (holla) Senior Night this past May.  Why?  Who was the DJ here?  I would’ve taken an overrated Rihanna song over this.  In fact, if you were to tell me my freshmen year that this song would be the final song ever at my last Senior Night, then I would’ve hauled my ass up north to Syracuse and spend my four years there.  I loved my time at PC, but this left a bad taste in my mouth.  This song stinks. 

The Twelve Days of Christmas:  A kid with ADD’s musical nightmare.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year:  Whoever wrote this song never had to work in a warehouse shipping products out to the people of America.  You know who had to do that?  Me.  Thousands and thousands of families in America were depending on me to get their orders to them.  While I do feel some joy of making the Christmas dreams of good American’s come true, it was a very stressful time for me.  I appreciate the fact that it’s a lovely time of year, but hearing this song while working in a warehouse just makes me want to smash the radio with a sledgehammer over and over again.  Also, this song is pretty annoying.

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow:  And then let it get gray and dirty, let it get gray and dirty, let it get gray and dirty.  Snow is nice at only two points, 1. When it is falling, and B). when you nail someone in the face with a snowball.  Besides that it kinda sucks.  Gets your shoes wet.  It’s normally cold.  Lingers around for a while.  Makes driving tough.  Slippery.  Gives people ammo to put you more at risk to getting hit in the face by a snowball.  The way that I see it, snow starts to suck once you get to high school.  It’s at this age where even snowdays kind of lose their luster because you’re now at an age where it’s mandatory to help shovel out your driveway.  Sure, you might help your parents out when you’re in grade school or even middle school, but you can at least play in the snow at those ages.  Once you hit high school, snow blows, thus making this song miserable. 

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus- This one really bugs me.  What an awkward position for this kid to be in.  Try putting yourself in this kids position.  You’re excited to see what the fat man in red brought you for Christmas, and you sneak downstairs trying not to get caught, and then you see Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick snogging with your Mother.  That damn Santa Claus.  He’s a no-good, cheatin’, kiss-stealing homewrecker who thinks that dropping off presents will ease to the pain that he smooched your Mom.  The only thing I can compare this song to is Fountain of Wayne’s hit “Stacy’s Mom”.  Stacy and the poor kid in this song probably share a lot of hatred toward Santa.  Moving on, if you’re a kid in this position, what do you do?  Do you call them out on this, revealing that you’ve been sneaking out of bed, blowing the whistle on your cheating Mother?  I mean honestly I think if my wife cheated on me I’d most likely divorce her.  Now, little Timmy loses his Mom to Santa Claus, his divorced Dad becomes depressed for years to come, and Christmas is ruined for you forever, because of a tryst you witnessed.  That being said, if you don’t call your Mom out on smooching Santa, that is one pretty big family secret that you have to keep inside for the rest of your life.  Also, no one likes a tattle-tale, which has repercussions of its own.  It seems to me that this is a lose-lose situation no matter which way you spin it, which puts the kid in a tough spot. Michael Jackson famously covered this song at one point, and look at what happened to him?  Who knows, maybe if he didn’t catch his Mom playing tonsil hockey with Santa, he’d still be alive, black, less creepy and still have a nose.  I just can’t see how a song that condones cheating can be associated with Christmas. This makes me depressed.  Not only does Santa break into your home, but he steals your mom.  Ho Ho Ho indeed. 

Now for the good stuff, Christmas music that I don’t mind.  First up, Diamond Rugs “Christmas In A Chinese Restaurant” .  Catchy as hell.  The piano brings me back to simpler times.  I just like it because it’s kinda anti-Christmas  music and is a new aspect on being lonely on Christmas.  It’s refreshing in a depressing way.

Second is The Ramones classic “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)” which really brings up the unspoken problem of having to get along with family members that you don’t like.  This is alright.  I think it’s only bearable to me because it’s by The Ramones.

Lastly, Fucked Up “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”.  I mean this is the holiday season, so why not be cheery and accept some Christmas spirit from the best band out of Toronto who has the word ‘fuck’ in their name.  Also, this song features Andrew W. K. who loves to party, Tegan and Sara, and that dude from Vampire Weekend.  All jokes aside, this song is actually good. 
Finally, to you all, I wish you all the merriest of Christmases.  Hope you were all good this year.