Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Oscars 2013

The Oscars. A night where Hollywood shines more than usual.  The glitz!  The glam!  The hours of time spent on categories of awards that we don’t care about! It’s truly a night to behold.  For the first time, we here at Breakfast at Jimothy’s have decided to make some predictions for who takes home the most awkward looking trophy in the world in the top 5 categories: Best Picture, Best Actor and Actress, and Best Actor and Actress in a Supporting Role. 


Alan Arkin (Argo)-  Somewhat confused as to how Alan Arkin’s character got nominated over Bryan Cranston’s character in Argo, but both were great.  Arkin was good and gave some comedic flare to the movie which was filled with tension and drama.  Also, the phrase “Argo fuck yourself” is a true keeper, something for which he should be honored to be the character to use it the most in this film. 

Robert De Niro (Silver Linings Playbook)- I like De Niro.  I really do, but how many times can he play a father in a film?  I mean it’s starting to become boring now.  It worked for him in Meet the Parents, but I just can’t imagine him playing a father in Silver Linings Playbook can get him an Oscar win.  I feel as if this nomination was only given to him because he is Robert De Niro.  Nothing more, nothing less. 

Philip Seymour Hoffman (The Master)- Maybe I should see this movie. 

Tommy Lee Jones (Lincoln)-  I’m a big fan of the name Thaddeus, but I just think playing a role in a history movie just won’t give Tommy Lee Jones the nod.  I’m a big fan of his.  He was superb in Men in Black II, and I’m sure he’s great in Lincoln, but I just don’t see it happening here. 

Christoph Waltz (Django Unchained)-  This man made a bounty hunter look like a charming and dear friend that you want to see succeed.  Christoph Waltz delivered comic relief while playing a very serious role.  He and Quentin Tarantino are a match made in heaven.  I think that he and Jamie Foxx were a wonderful duo.  It seemed like a perfect example of opposites attract: they both got the best out of each other in Django.   

The Winner: Christoph Waltz in a tight one.  This will probably be the closet call all night, but when it comes down to it, Waltz was brilliant as Dr. King Schultz.  It was near impossible to top his role as Hans Landa in Inglourious Basterds, but he somehow managed to do it. 


Amy Adams (The Master)-  I love Amy Adams!  I still have no idea what The Master is about, but now that I know that it has both her and Joaquin Phoenix in it, I might have to check it out.  Good for Amy.   Give her the damn Oscar!  She’s adorable!

Sally Field (Lincoln)- No.  I will not support an actress who played a woman who just sat around doing nothing while her husband was shot.  No. No. No.

Anne Hathaway (Les Miserables)- Really?  With that haircut?  No.  If we were talking about her role as Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises then she’d win hands down.  How did that movie not get any nominations? 

Helen Hunt (The Session)-  I knew nothing about this movie.  According to iMDB it is about “A man in an iron lung who wishes to lose his virginity contacts a professional sex surrogate with the help of his therapist and a priest”.  I am trying my damndest to come up with someone, anything, to say in response to this and I just can’t. 

Jacki Weaver (Silver Linings Playbook)-  Who the hell is Jacki Weaver?  More importantly, what happened to the e at the end of Jackie?   

The Winner: Amy Adams, by default.  No one in this category deserves it, so by moving on to the next tie-breaker of best looking, Amy Adams wins.  Good enough for me!


Jessica Chastain (Zero Dark Thirty)-  Playing the lead role in such an important movie to people in my generation certainly will help Jessica Chastain gain some votes for Best Actress.  This being said, she is a ginger, and no one likes gingers.  Makes her odds drop significantly.  You read it here first, if Chastain were anything but a ginger, the Oscar would be hers and with no questions asked. 

Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook)-  I’m a big fan of Katniss.  I think Katniss is a wonderful actress who is the ‘It-girl’ of Hollywood.  Although she kinda sucked on Saturday Night Live, I think Hollywood is counting on her to become the star who people find to be normal for a young actress and not psychotic like Lindsay Lohan.  I bet the voters are keeping this in mind and will do everything they can to give her the Oscar.  I have no idea how she was in Silver Linings Playbook but I’m sure she did just fine. 

Emmanuelle Riva (Amour)-  Stupid subtitles.  How can I believe a performance when I have to read what she’s saying.  That doesn’t make me want to keep watching her act, it forces me to read which makes me tired.  I’m bored just writing about this.  No bueno. 

Quvenzhane Wallis (Beasts of the Southern Wild)-  C’mon.  She’s 9 years old.  There are more letters in her first name than the amount of years she’s been on this planet.  She played a character named Hushpuppy.  You know what the only good thing about Hushpuppy is?  It reminds me of Slushpuppies, which bring me back to simpler times getting tasty brain freezes and gets my mind off this movie.  Honestly though, do we really think that a 9 year old is a better actress than the competition in this category?  Alright maybe I’ll give her the edge over that fraud in Amour, but there is no way Quvenzwhatever is a better actress than Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence and Naomi Watts.  My thought is if Macaulay Culkin couldn’t win an Oscar for playing Kevin McCallister, then no child actor should win an Oscar.

Naomi Watts (The Impossible)-  I kept thinking this was Naomi Campbell until I looked on iMDB.  Now I have ran out of things to say after my original planned argument was about Naomi Campbell.  Nevermind. 

The Winner: Jessica Chastain.  2013 gives off the sense that it will be an unlucky year.  This being said, it only makes sense for 2013 to be the year of the gingers, which is why Jessica Chastain pulls through with the Oscar.  Gingers may be bad, but in this case I’m just rooting against Quvenz(can’t we just call her Q?) and that fraud Emmanuelle Riva. 


Bradley Cooper (Silver Linings Playbook)-  I just can’t imagine this performance topping Cooper’s previous performance as Sack Lodge in Wedding Crashers.  If that didn’t win him an Oscar than this definitely won’t. 

Daniel Day-Lewis (Lincoln)-  I’m not a big fan of a Brit playing the role of Honest Abe, but I guess he did a decent job.  I will give it to him, he looked eerily similar to el presidente.  I think Daniel Day-Lewis has already had his fair share of Oscars with winning for There Will Be Blood where he rocked a sweet mustache.  Sure, maybe his Lincoln beard his sweet, but let someone else have the spotlight.

Hugh Jackman (les Miserables)- I really can’t picture the same man who played Wolverine winning an Oscar for being a singing Frenchman.  I hate the French.  Just can’t trust them.  I guess weirder things have happened but this would be a letdown.  I like Jackman but not in this role.  Boo.

Joaquin Phoenix (The Master)-  I’m praying to the good Lord almighty that Joaquin Phoenix wins.  This could give us the weirdest/most awkward/strangest/most puzzling acceptance speech of all time.  This dude is a recluse and a weirdo who once gave up acting to become a Matisyahu lookalike rapper.  This being said, I have no idea who his character is and really what the movie is about, but I’m just pulling for him.  Let the weirdness commence! 

Denzel Washington (Flight)- So much swag.  Denzel should just win for being himself.  Honestly though, who else could put on a performance as an alcoholic pilot and gain a nomination for Best Actor?  Okay maybe Morgan Freeman, but Denzel is the man and make it happen. 

The Winner: Joaquin Phoenix.  I won’t lie, this is complete wishful thinking here.  Upset of the century.  I’ll promise you this, if he wins the Oscar then I’ll definitely watch the trailer for The Master. 


Amour-  I don’t have time for subtitles.  I just watched the trailer for this and almost fell asleep.  Next.

Argo-  This might be the favorite going into The Oscars due to the other awards it’s been winning in the past few weeks.  I must admit, it would be completely deserved if it won.  This movie had my heart pumping at times, especially the ending.  I realize that perhaps some of this ‘true story’ might be embellished, but it really brought to light how intense this story is.  Also, it’s pretty cool how this was basically a true story that couldn’t be told.  The only thing that could hurt Argo’s chances at winning is the disappointing lack of Ben Affleck’s Boston accent a la The Town.  I would’ve loved to hear him drop a “I’m puttin’ this whole country in my reah view” as the plane left Iran.

Beasts of the Southern Wild-  What a disappointment.  All I wanted to see was Beast, Lumiere, Mrs. Potts, Chip, and Cogsworth living life in the South before that tramp Belle and that douchebag Gaston came along and ruined what seemed like a great adventure.  I was way off when I saw this movie, and needless to say extremely upset when I realized it wasn’t even made by Disney.  Total let down.  This movie sucks.   

Django Unchained-  Sure it may have been racist, filled with violence, some gore, slavery, but it’s typical Tarantino.  This movie was entertaining, serious yet funny at numerous points, had great acting all around, and it made me want more as the end credits started to roll, which is impressive for a movie that was around 2 hours and 45 minutes long.  I may be biased as I’m a Quentin Tarantino fan, but then again, he delivered even more than he normally does. 

Les Miserables-  I understand that people are kinda obsessed with this movie because it was a play, but that just makes me think that it isn’t too original.  When we’re talking ‘Best Picture’ I want something new and fresh, and gets me talking.  A film adaptation of a musical just doesn’t do it for me.  I’ll be very disappointed if this wins.  I’d only cheer for this if James Franco was cast opposite Anne Hathaway and they would have to share a stage at the Oscars again, ya know, because that worked out so well last time.

Life of Pi-  I just don’t see how a movie about the life and times of a mathematical constant with no end can win best picture.  Seems boring.  Ah.  My Mom just informed me that it is not about the mathematical constant.  I just don’t see how a movie about the life and times of a baked pastry can win best picture.  Seems boring. 

Lincoln-  The ending was rather predictable.

Silver Linings Playbook- Jennifer Lawrence is a doll and Bradley Cooper is, well, Bradley Cooper.  I just feel like they would be better off starring together in a (good) Judd Apatow movie instead of a movie going up for Oscars.  The Bradley Cooper I want is the dickhead friend whose life motto is DGAF, not trying to piece back his life with the help of a chick.  Phil from the Hangover would be shaking his head at the thought of this movie.  From what I’ve heard, it’s good, but I don’t think it’ll top the other movies.  Except for Amour.  That movie sucks. 

Zero Dark Thirty- People love America.  Well, at least people who I know.  I will never forget the night that Osama  bin Laden was taken out.  It was fantastic!  It was right before finals started and I was at this dumpy bar called Old’s on a Sunday night and when breaking news came on screen informing the already drunken crowd of this great news.  Never in my life have I heard so many U-S-A chant’s.  People were burning couches on Eaton Street in celebration!  Instead of drinking on a Sunday night, we were drinking to celebrate the demise of Osama.  At least, that’s what I’ll tell my grandkids if they ever ask.  Anyways, I’ve heard it’s a good movie.  I haven’t seen it, but unlike other movies in this category, I actually do want to see it.  Hell, I’m intrigued just by the fact that it is a movie that uses night vision and does NOT have Paris Hilton in it. 

The Winner: Argo.  Let me first say that I am somewhat protesting this category because Cabin In The Woods got absolutely screwed.  How did that movie not get nominated?  I haven’t seen something so unique and new since Gigli!  Absolute nonsense in my humble opinion.  Anyways, as much as I will be pulling for Django Unchained with the upset, I think Argo will indeed come away with the victory.  Great movie with a  story that probably could’ve been told years ago on the silver screen if it were possible/legal/no longer confidential material.