Monday, July 22, 2013

The Royal Baby

So apparently a Prince has been born over in jolly old England today and it's kind of a big deal I guess. Now that the gender of the child has been revealed, there is still some mystery of the name.  Honestly, I was hoping for a girl, and for her to be named Peach.  This way, in case Princess Peach were to ever be  in trouble, we could look forward to a pair of Italian brothers to come to the rescue.  Don't think that Peach is too far out of the ordinary.  Chris Martin from stupid Coldplay and Gwyneth Paltrow (okay, Iron Man isn't bad, but you will never be forgiven for Shallow Hal and Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow) named their kid Apple, so why not Peach?  Alas, this is a moot point because this incredibly lucky and privileged child is a boy.  I will now provide the top 5 names that this kid should be named.  Prince William and Harry seem somewhat blah, and since this kid will one day be King, he needs a good name.  

1.  Ferris- I think this is a good Christian name, right?  Who doesn't like Ferris Bueller's Day Off?  Correct: no one.  It might very well be the greatest movie of all time.  The name Ferris embodies boldness, determination, creativity, cunning, charm, wit, and the ability to have a great day off.  Why isn't this name more popular?  The more I think about it, the more I question society.  I was born in 1990 which was only a few years after that movie came out.  I know absolutely no one named Ferris.  This is a travesty.  If the royal family wants to get their name right, they should start a real trend by naming their son after the greatest fictional character ever.  That's it.  I'm going to name my son Ferris.  No questions asked.  

Leisure Rulez

2. Austin-  This is a very strong possibility in my eyes.  Austin would be a fantastic name.  The royal family would really be paying homage to the greatest and arguably most important man from England:  Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery.  On numerous occasions, Austin had to save England from Fembots, corrupt Doctors, midgets, and Seth Green, all while doing so with numerous puns and sexual innuendos.  It is about time Austin Powers got the respect he deserves.  Hell, the man made Beyonce his sidekick at one point, and he could travel time.  
"I thank you"

Even if the royal family doesn't want to name their child after a man who wears velvet suits and puffy white shirts, they could still use the name and pay homage to another world hero:  Stone Cold Steve Austin.  King Austin 3:16 could be a very powerful statement in the near future.  Just imagine England's national anthem but now with the sound of glass breaking at the very start of it, in honor of King Austin.  Might cause some chaos with everyone greeting each other with middle fingers instead of handshakes, but you win some you lose some.  If England ever went to war, they could say they opened up a can of whoop-ass on (bad country name here) and it would be awesome.  
"If you think the Prince should be named Austin, gimme a hell yeah!"

3. Tuukka- No?  C'mon.  2 U's! 2 K's!  Sure it's Finnish, but so is Teemu Selanne! King Tuukka! He was great in the playoffs!  Ugh. Fine.  Skip Tuukka.  :-(

4. Prince-  I think that the 'Artist Formerly Known as Prince but Now Goes By Prince I Think' had a cool idea by going by a symbol for a few years.  That's innovation if you ask me.  Nothing says royalty by foregoing a name and just giving your son a title.  This title can even by in the form of a sweet symbol.  Over in Europe it seems like families have sweet crests and cool symbols, and that is just the common folk.  Imagine how awesome the symbol would be for a Prince, which doubles as his name.  If I were going to choose a symbol for my name, it would be similar to the cool one the Ramones had with the eagle holding a baseball bat and stuff.  The symbol needs to show people that yes, he is royalty, but also that he can party and shouldn't be a person to mess with.  It may be somewhat awkward when Prince becomes a King and then goes by King Prince, but that sounds somewhat badass as well.  King Prince.  Sounds youthful if you ask me.  
...on second thought

5. James- As a fellow James, this would not bug me at all.  I tweeted about my hope of this being the name, and my arch nemesis Tori Parella questioned me about "wouldn't that make James mainstream blah blah blah".  No.  Who doesn't want to share a name with royalty?  James is already a common enough name, but it really gets some pizazz by throwing a 'king' in front of it.  Sure it'll be 'prince' in front of it for a while but in due time, my friends, in due time.  I almost won East Providence High School Homecoming King (3rd out of 5) back in the fall of 07, thus almost giving me a taste of royalty, so I think I can relate to how awesome it would be to have a King James.  Some may also be in favor of King James because it would annoy the hell out of LeBron James.  I feel like this would infuriate an egomaniac like him.  On a side note, there have been prior Kings named James, so why didn't he choose King LeBron?  That's kinda unique.  I have to google it, but there can't be all that many King LeBrons out there.  Lastly, I really couldn't face my readers in the eye without telling them that I am mostly pulling for James on the off chance that the Prince goes by Jimothy.  Do you realize how much more traffic this blog would get!?  It would skyrocket.  I'm begging you, Willy and Kate, name your child James.  Breakfast at King Jimothy's needs to happen, with your blessing of course. 
How did I not win Homecoming King?
Whatever name they choose, I'm sure it'll be lovely.  Congrats England, you're kind of on a roll lately.  Wimbeldon, Tour de France, now a new baby to creep on for years to come.  You should name him James.