Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Another Reason to Hate Taylor Swift

I've never been shy to discuss my hatred for that hack Taylor Swift.  I thinks he is phony, can't sing and is a terrible role model for girls of all ages.  I see right through her shenanigans about how she's the clumsy sweetheart that America loves because she writes those really mean songs about really mean guys who treated her real bad and dumped her because she's probably boring.  The fact that she is one of the top grossing artists today is pathetic and makes me want to move to Canada.  Her latest crime has grinded my gears to a level that has not been reached since the Zooey Deschanel iPhone commercial where she asks Siri if it's raining outside, as she is watching the rain outside.  Allow me to explain.

This past weekend I made a purchase that I've been meaning to for a long time.  In good ol' New York City, you may know it as the BBQ capital of the world, I went to a store called Ted's Fine Clothing.  Located in the Lower East Side, I love this store because it is the jackpot of band t-shirts.  Beastie Boys, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Misfits, The Clash, Rolling Stones, Notorious BIG, you name it, Ted has it.  On Saturday I finally bought the Sonic Youth 'Goo' album cover t-shirt.  One of my favorite albums featuring one of my favorite album covers.

I bought this shirt on Sunday.  Today, Tuesday, I discover that Taylor Swift has been making money off of the legendary Indie darlings that is Sonic Youth.  Look at this.  It's terrible.

Now, I know this kinda stuff has been done before.  Rihanna recently ripped off Nirvana's shirt, but at least most people know what the Nirvana logo look like.  Lord knows the Ramones classic logo tshirt has been ripped off about a thousand times (most recent being a Seinfeld version, but at least that made me laugh).

My problem here is that Sonic Youth deserves so much better.  They are influential.  The perfect example of a band that helped create the bands and music that we all have come to cherish.  Nirvana loved them.  They influenced Beck, Pixies, R.E.M., just to name a few.  In short, in the realm of real music, they matter.  It shivers me timbers that Taylor Swift, someone who, let's face it, probably hasn't listened to Sonic Youth before since their style is far from music associated with rainbows and goodie goodie gumdrops.

You want a role model?  Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth is a woman young aspiring female musicians should look up to.  Her music talks about the real world and is meaningful.  Love songs by Sonic Youth are realistic.  Taylor Swift sings about how things stink right now cause her 16th boy band boyfriend left her.  People who really like Taylor Swift don't know what good music is.  This 1989 tour is filled with guest appearances, ranging from Phoebe from Friends to Justin Timberlake to the US Women's Soccer team, to Fetty Wap, and I swear that attracts more people to her shows than her music.  She preys on the blank minds of 12 year old girls, frat girls who just love to sing along after one strawberry daiquiri too many and bros trying to be funny by going to her shows.

So where does this leave us?  Taylor Swift makes money off of a lesser known, but more deserving band with a tshirt she slings for probably way too much at her shows.  These people don't know who Sonic Youth are and won't bother to care if it's pointed out to them, and that is a crime.  More importantly, I bought a t-shirt from my main man Ted in NYC, just to learn that Taylor Fucking Swift made a mockery of it with a cat and a mention of 'sick beats'.  What a world.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

The Catch

Odell Beckham Jr. dropped the collective jaw of the nation when he made a spectacular touchdown catch against the Dallas Cowboys.  At first glance, it seemed humanly impossible that what he did could ever happen on this planet.  People hailed it as the greatest catch ever.  Can't be topped.  The highest of highs.  Cherubs would write songs about that catch up in heaven.  For a couple of months, I agreed with the general consensus of this being the greatest catch of all time:

That all changed recently when a certain video went viral.  A fan video from the Pinkpop Festival in Landgraaf, the Netherlands caught a catch that somehow topped Odell Beckham Jr.'s snag.  I think the new standard of awesomeness when it comes to something going viral is when someone immediately says "that's fake." before even watching a replay.  Quite a few people who I have shown this to have said that right out of the gate and then they normally laugh or shake their heads when they realize what they saw actually did happen.  Take a look for yourself:

That amazing catch was made by David Achter de Molen.  You may know him as the frontman for Dutch punk band John Coffey.  Okay, yeah you never heard of them until this video, but at least you know it if someone asks if you've seen this video. "Hey man have you seen that video of the dude catching the beer while crowd surfing?" "Oh, you mean David Achter de Molen, frontman for that Dutch punk band, John Coffey?  Yeah."  You'll be a hit at parties.  Anyways, this was the most rock n roll thing since Jack White punched that guy from the Von Bondies before a show, back when the Von Bondies had enough clout to open for the White Stripes.  Meaning, it's been a while.

Now it's been confirmed real all throughout the interwebs and whatnot, so we can rule out cgi/photoshop/the Kardashians as the cause of this video.  It's real, but how did it happen?  The only explanation I have is reflexes combined with perfect timing.  It seems he just stuck his hand out in the perfect placement, which I can only attribute to natural reflexes.  The way the cup was turned and coming straight down just helped matters out.  I give him all the credit in the world for not hesitating and do what you normally would do to a beer when it literally falls into your hands: drink it.  The crowd reaction was epic and he looked like a total bad ass by just chugging it quick and tossing it behind him all nonchalant.  That's a showman right there.  Also, a wise man.  He knows that when life hands you a beer whilst crowdsurfing, you drink it.

The next question here is who the hell threw it?  The throw may be equally, (actually, maybe more) impressive than the catch.  The thrower deserves credit for many reasons.  First of all, he nailed it.  Second, it's a festival beer, so you know it probably cost him 3 euros too much.  This guy gave up his overpriced beer and launched it at Davey Boy Achter de Molen from an impressive distance, and for what reason?  No way he figured he would catch it.  Maybe he thought Achter de Molen needed to be cooled down?  It would really be ironic if he hated John Coffey and did it to heckle the band.  If so, it backfired in disastrous fashion as John Coffey has gained more fame from this catch then they ever would have dreamed.  Now, here is a video of a guy who claims to be the guy who threw the beer, but I'm not sure if I buy it.  If true, it would answer a lot of questions but take it as you may:

I'm convinced that it was really Stone Cold Steve Austin's beer guy.  Someone would always toss Stone Cold beers from God knows where a couple of nights a week for about a decade, so whoever that guy is has the experience and I would imagine the skill to pull this off.  Just a hunch, but who else could it be?  I'm not sold on the dude in the above video.  Who wastes almost half a beer when your buddy wants a 'fresh supply'?  Shenanigans.

In short, I hope John Coffey takes full advantage of this internet fame.  Make t-shirts, posters, buttons, whatever propaganda that Dutch punk bands make these days, revolving around the catch.  Take the fame and run, boys.  In the history of epic drinking moments, this is right on up there with Wade Boggs drinking 60 beers on a plane ride, Andre the Giant drinking 156 beers in one sitting, and my favorite, Kiefer Sutherland having the drunk skills to tackle a hotel lobby Christmas tree.  Well done, John Coffey.  Use the fame to your advantage.